Wedding woes

I've always seen weddings on TV and movies...and yes, they've always looked really stressful but the media also makes them look fun and often times, funny. 

I've been in multiple weddings, whether I'm a guest or part of the wedding party, they didn't seem so bad. It's hectic and there's a lot of little details but it always turns out ok and people have fun. 

A random stranger on a flight told me recently: "The worst wedding I've ever been to was my own." Such powerful words that I didn't think would ever apply to me. But now I'm not so sure. 

Where should I start? I guess the better question is WHEN did it all start? When did all this start spiraling out of control? Probably back to the beginning? 

I still haven't figured out if any of these decisions are mistakes or not, but they certainly have been making my life pretty difficult of late. The first decision, agreeing to have the wedding 100 miles away from my home town. There were valid arguments to have it that far away. Better options, cheaper and better food, larger venues....ok, makes sense. Done. It's 100 miles away. 

Second decision, agreeing to a large wedding. The guest list just got way out of hand. But I guess that's not really within my control. And I'm not the type of person to say no to inviting anyone. So that's ok, the more the merrier. 

Having the ceremony and the banquet at different locations. I guess that was unavoidable, since we somehow have to merge two cultures together. Fine. We can do that. Instead of paying for one venue, we pay for two, ok, fine. 

Wedding colors. I originally wanted to go with a red and gold color. Very traditional. But my mom didn't like red and gold dresses for the bridesmaid, so I changed it. Tiffany blue and gold. Fine, but now I realized that Tiffany blue doesn't come with a lot of options. There are no Tiffany blue flowers, there isn't any Tiffany blue decor to decorate the ceremony site with since there are no flowers that match that. There's no Tiffany blue ties to match with the groomsmen. The restaurant we picked out doesn't have that "exotic" color either...so now NOTHING, aside from the bridesmaid dresses, are Tiffany blue. Nice. So essentially, I don't have a color theme. Great. 

I'm not sure if I would have felt the same way with a small wedding or a large wedding, but once I started to get quotes on all the wedding vendors, the numbers were just way too scary for me to deal with. So I started skimping on things that I thought I would be ok with skimping on. Like my wedding dress, my traditional wedding outfit, my shoes, my jewelry...I guess pretty much anything that pertained to me. Well, to be completely honest, I think a large part of this was also my indecision. Always struggling between what I want and what is cheaper. So of course, I settled for the cheaper options and now I find myself always thinking about the other options. There was one wedding dress I tried on that I can't stop thinking about, that was probably the dress I wanted, but it wasn't the dress I ended up with. There's a traditional wedding outfit I really liked, but it's also not the one I ended up with. 

I'm very frustrated at myself for being so indecisive and letting the cheaper me make the decisions. I'm very angry at myself for not standing up for what I want and compromising my desires based on other people's suggestions. Would it have been better if I had just morphed into Bridezilla and just clawed my way at everything I wanted and stomped on everyone else's suggestions/thoughts? 

It's been three days now and I still haven't stopped thinking about this traditional wedding outfit I really liked. I actually made an executive decision and asked for this dress. But I still didn't get it, because my mom also fell in love with the dress. Yes, my mom. And she refuses to let me have it. Yes, my MOM. I've called her multiple times begging to let me have it and she relentlessly keeps rejecting me. "Are you asking me to give up the dress and give it to YOU?" "So we are going to both wear the same dress? We can't both wear the same dress, you can't have that dress!" "You already bought shoes for another traditional dress, so just go with that one!" "This dress is too old for you! But it makes me look younger!" "It's TOO OLD FOR YOU!" 

I don't want to fight anymore. So I gave up on that dress. But she calls me again today..."It's TOO OLD FOR YOU! Why do you want the dress?? It's TOO OLD FOR YOU! It makes me look younger! Better for me!"  "ok mom"   I just don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to be one of those daughters that claws the dress of her own mother. 

"This is how grudges get started" is what my fiance said to me. He's right. I think I'm holding a huge grudge against my mom right now. I don't know if it's a grudge or just overwhelming pain from facing the truth that my own MOTHER is refusing her own DAUGHTER a dress on her own DAUGHTER's wedding night. That stings. On my mother's defense, I really think she's convinced herself that the dress is too old for me. Or at least it makes me look too old?? I'm not even sure I'm understanding why she thinks that dress is just all kinds of wrong for me, even though I'm in love with it. *sighs

So among all this drama, my best friend since Kindergarten texts me and tells me that although she RSVP'ed that she's coming, she's no longer going to come due to financial issues. Ouch, that also stings. She's someone that I really wanted to be an active part of my wedding, like part of my wedding party. But because she's popped out a couple of kids, she wasn't going to be able to play a big part in my wedding, I was just happy she could come and share my big day with me. Well.... let's put a big X through that idea now. *sad

My fiance was very nice. He suggested we fly her, her husband and her two babies down...even though we are tight on money right now, he's willing to do it, just because he saw how sad I was when I found out she's not coming. He's a nice guy, at least if this wedding crumbles beneath my feet, I'll still have him. *consolation smile 

So one of my bridesmaids realized that the bridesmaid dress we all agreed on isn't flattering on her. So she's requesting to change the dress. So even though I wanted all the girls to wear the same dress, I thought, ok, let's compromise, so let's just have two of them change dresses and the other girl will have a different dress. Then when the two of them wasn't completely agreeing on a dress, due to a strapless, no strapless issue.....I almost lost it when she asked me if we could all wear different dresses. 

I don't want to feel like I'm a drama queen or that I'm a bridezilla or that I'm constantly complaining about all these petty problems, but I wanted certain things in my wedding. I had certain ideas, I had certain thoughts and now I just feel like one thing after another is just a compromise, another compromise, another compromise and now it doesn't even look anything close to the wedding I had in mind! 

But it's not all bad. I mean, I still get to get married. I got the paper invitations I wanted (even though I didn't get to send them out to any of my friends). I still get a wedding dress, a traditional outfit, my hair and makeup done, etc etc. I still get everything, just not what I wanted I guess. See...this is why I feel like a spoiled little kid that gets everything for their birthday party but still throws a tantrum because it's not what they "wanted". I feel silly even blogging about this. Why am I such a complainer? I should be grateful I have what I have. Ugh, I'm just crazy. 

Can't wait until all this is over! It's turning me into an ungrateful, spoiled brat that complains all the time and I don't like it!!

I just have to focus on the fact that 10 years from now, none of this will matter. What's going to matter is if I'm in a happy marriage or not and if I'm happy with my job or not. This is just ONE day of my entire life. I just need to chill out. Focus on the big picture. *deep breath