Just returned from a trip to Japan (still battling the jet lag) but I thought I'd write down everything I did before I forget. So here goes...
Day 1: Thursday June 1st - Took a lyft to the train station. Lyft driver was very friendly, she works at a local hotel as a front desk manager. She's from a small town in Idaho and moved out here for work. The train took almost 2 hours to get to the airport. I had time to catch lunch at the airport, Mod Pizza, and onto the flight! I watched a lot of movies during the flight (already forgot what they were). Landed in Tokyo around the afternoon the next day.
Day 2: Friday June 2nd - From the airport, we had to figure out how to navigate to our hotel. Once we got there, we realized how small the room was. We basically had to slip past each other to get from the bathroom to the room. Could barely even open the bathroom door all the way to get in. Once you get into the bathroom, you can barely even turn around without touching the walls. We settled into the cozy room and ventured out immediately. It wasn't as hot as I expected it to be, a little chilly in the evening. We took the JR line to the Tokyo station and ate at a ramen place nearby. We ordered two types of ramen, fried rice, and gyoza for only $15! What a deal! I don't know if it was just the excitement of if I was super hungry, but the food was delicious! After dinner, we walked around the Tokyo station a little more, explored around the area near the Imperial palace and then went back to the hotel. I experienced a little jet lag because....
Day 3: Saturday June 3rd - Woke up at 2am...tried to go back to sleep, woke up at 4am...tried to go back to sleep, woke up at 6am...gave up and just got up. Started the day off really early and decided to go visit a local fish market. We got there at 6:30am and there was already like 200 people there! We ate chirashi bowls for breakfast at this tiny little Japanese restaurant. The fish was AMAZING! I never knew sea urchin could taste so SWEET! Everything I had that morning was divine, even down to the soy sauce!! Best tasting soy sauce EVER!! After breakfast, we checked out of our hotel in Tokyo and headed to the Kyoto via the bullet train (Shenkansen). (We had donburi for lunch at the Tokyo station) Tokyo to Kyoto took about 2.5hours, very scenic and the seats were so comfy. After arriving in Kyoto, we checked into out hotel, which was amazing! This hotel offered 24 hours of free tea/coffee/cold drinks in the lobby, free alcoholic drinks in the afternoon, free Sunday buffet dinners, a bathhouse, free laundry and no kids are allowed to stay in this hotel. It was awesome! The room was really nice and BIG! After being amazed by the hotel, we decided to walk to Gion district, it's kinda known for being a old town picturesque area with Geishas. I found a delicious grilled mochi stand and we got to visit a Yasaka Shrine. We had Kyoto style sushi that night and fell in love with the saba roll! YUM!
Day 4: Sunday June 4th - Again, we woke up early (mainly due to jet lag) and went out for breakfast at 6am. We found this ramen place that everyone says is "the best ramen in Kyoto" and every time we pasted by there were huge lines so we had to try it for ourselves. Ending up, it was a disappointment, but at least we tried it. Then we took the train to Inari Temple (temple with a million Torii's lined up for 2+ miles). I made us hike all the way to the top. Ending up it was worth it because at the top, there was this vendor that sold this really cool map for only $1! We regretted only buying 1 map...but then again, what would we do with multiple maps? After Inari, we went to Nara where there are a ton of deer that roam around freely. There were a few shrines that we visited there. I don't know if I just look really Chinese but some Mandarin speaking Chinese people randomly talked to me and asked me for directions. I answered in my broken Mandarin as much as I could, but they still looked confused so I probably didn't answer their question. We ate some pastries we bought earlier that morning for lunch. In Nara, we found this really famous mochi place (just youtube "Mochi" and "Nara" and you'll find videos on how fast they hit the mochi!). The mochi was SO GOOD!! So happy we found that place! After Nara, we went to Arashiyama (bamboo forest and monkeys). That area is really crowded and super touristy but so beautiful! For dinner we back to the hotel, which had the Sunday Buffet. I had low expectations but it was actually really good, legit, high quality food! I'm so impressed with this hotel!
Day 5: Monday June 5th - We had some udon and dipping ramen at a fast food place near our hotel for breakfast. We took the Shinkansen to Hiroshima. We got to visit Itsukushima shrine (Torii gates and the shrine is suspended in water). Although when we were there, it was low tide, so it wasn't so impressive. There were also deer at the Itsukushima shrine, one of them was stalking us for some momiji treats. Then we visited the Hiroshima Peace Memorial and saw the A-bomb dome. It's amazing how the city has rebuilt itself from this catastrophe. For lunch, we tried the Hiroshima Okonomiyaki, it was a little too much sauce for me, had a hard time finishing it. Not a fan, but glad I tried it. In the afternoon, we went to Osaka and explored Doutonbori street. So much food there! We bought some tako yaki and gyoza, then went back to Kyoto and bought some Saba sushi from Suvaco for late night snack.
Day 6: Tuesday June 6th - On my own this morning, enjoyed some tea and a breakfast sandwich at Estacion cafe in the Kyoto station. Found Aeon mall and walked to Toji temple. Then went to Nijo castle during lunch time. For the lunch meal, I had tonkatsu at the Kyoto station. In the afternoon, I explored more of the Kyoto station. It's like a huge maze with a million hidden cities in there! For dinner, we met some friends up and had Italian (pizza and pasta, nothing special).
Day 7: Wednesday June 7th - Had breakfast at a French bakery. Raining dogs and cats today. Difficult to go far when it was raining so hard. So on my own again, I went to Nishihongan-ji Temple (close by) and explored Aeon mall. Then met up with some friends (+two kids) for lunch at a "grill your own okonomiyaki" place. After second time of trying okonomiyaki, I think I can safely say I'm not a fan. But again, glad I tried it. Then explored more of the Kyoto station (since it was indoors). We had dinner at ramen place at Kyoto station (light broth and thick noodles). Loved it!
Day 8: Thursday June 8th - Had breakfast at an Italian cafe: Japanese curry and Japanese omelet (egg over rice). On my own again, I was sent on a mission to get some legit matcha for my brother, so I walked to the Ippodo tea house. After $60 worth of match/tea, I went to Pontocho, which is known to be an authentic Japanese business men hangout with real Geishas. During the day it was more like a small alleyway. I didn't see much. Then I found the Nishiki shrine and market. It was 5 blocks of Japanese farmer's market. Went back to Kyoto station for ramen lunch (creamy broth with thin noodles) and some fried chicken. Not a fan of the creamy broth or thin noodles. Then I went back to Gion area where I found that really good grilled mochi on a stick and explore Gion a bit more. For dinner, we went to this Thai Siam which was known for being officially approved by the Thai government for their authentic ways of making Thai food with their Thai imported spices. It was mainly all Americans that ate there. The curry was too watery, but very flavorful. Then we found this matcha themed dessert place, AMAZING! So delicious!! It was expensive, but totally worth it.
Day 9: Friday June 9th - went back to Gion to explore the old town picturesque area and swung by Kiyomizu dera temple. Then took the Shenkansen from Kyoto to Tokyo. For lunch, we enjoyed a bento box we on the train. That evening we explored Shinjuku area! So many people, lights and noises! Felt kinda overwhelming! For dinner, we found a floating sushi bar, really neat experience!
Day 10: Saturday June 10th - Had a quick chocolate bun and onigiri from a grocery store (sorta skipped breakfast) and had tonkatsu for lunch at the Tokyo station. Then back on the plane to the states! Watched a ton of movies again: Beauty and the Beast, The Lego movie (really boring), Your Name (Japanese anime movie) and Logan.
That's the whole trip (as best as I can recall anyway)! Haha. Have been jet lagged for the last two days and watching Japanese documentaries when I'm awake. What a great trip :)
Monday, June 12, 2017
Monday, August 17, 2015
Wedding woes
I've always seen weddings on TV and movies...and yes, they've always looked really stressful but the media also makes them look fun and often times, funny.
I've been in multiple weddings, whether I'm a guest or part of the wedding party, they didn't seem so bad. It's hectic and there's a lot of little details but it always turns out ok and people have fun.
A random stranger on a flight told me recently: "The worst wedding I've ever been to was my own." Such powerful words that I didn't think would ever apply to me. But now I'm not so sure.
Where should I start? I guess the better question is WHEN did it all start? When did all this start spiraling out of control? Probably back to the beginning?
I still haven't figured out if any of these decisions are mistakes or not, but they certainly have been making my life pretty difficult of late. The first decision, agreeing to have the wedding 100 miles away from my home town. There were valid arguments to have it that far away. Better options, cheaper and better food, larger venues....ok, makes sense. Done. It's 100 miles away.
Second decision, agreeing to a large wedding. The guest list just got way out of hand. But I guess that's not really within my control. And I'm not the type of person to say no to inviting anyone. So that's ok, the more the merrier.
Having the ceremony and the banquet at different locations. I guess that was unavoidable, since we somehow have to merge two cultures together. Fine. We can do that. Instead of paying for one venue, we pay for two, ok, fine.
Wedding colors. I originally wanted to go with a red and gold color. Very traditional. But my mom didn't like red and gold dresses for the bridesmaid, so I changed it. Tiffany blue and gold. Fine, but now I realized that Tiffany blue doesn't come with a lot of options. There are no Tiffany blue flowers, there isn't any Tiffany blue decor to decorate the ceremony site with since there are no flowers that match that. There's no Tiffany blue ties to match with the groomsmen. The restaurant we picked out doesn't have that "exotic" color either...so now NOTHING, aside from the bridesmaid dresses, are Tiffany blue. Nice. So essentially, I don't have a color theme. Great.
I'm not sure if I would have felt the same way with a small wedding or a large wedding, but once I started to get quotes on all the wedding vendors, the numbers were just way too scary for me to deal with. So I started skimping on things that I thought I would be ok with skimping on. Like my wedding dress, my traditional wedding outfit, my shoes, my jewelry...I guess pretty much anything that pertained to me. Well, to be completely honest, I think a large part of this was also my indecision. Always struggling between what I want and what is cheaper. So of course, I settled for the cheaper options and now I find myself always thinking about the other options. There was one wedding dress I tried on that I can't stop thinking about, that was probably the dress I wanted, but it wasn't the dress I ended up with. There's a traditional wedding outfit I really liked, but it's also not the one I ended up with.
I'm very frustrated at myself for being so indecisive and letting the cheaper me make the decisions. I'm very angry at myself for not standing up for what I want and compromising my desires based on other people's suggestions. Would it have been better if I had just morphed into Bridezilla and just clawed my way at everything I wanted and stomped on everyone else's suggestions/thoughts?
It's been three days now and I still haven't stopped thinking about this traditional wedding outfit I really liked. I actually made an executive decision and asked for this dress. But I still didn't get it, because my mom also fell in love with the dress. Yes, my mom. And she refuses to let me have it. Yes, my MOM. I've called her multiple times begging to let me have it and she relentlessly keeps rejecting me. "Are you asking me to give up the dress and give it to YOU?" "So we are going to both wear the same dress? We can't both wear the same dress, you can't have that dress!" "You already bought shoes for another traditional dress, so just go with that one!" "This dress is too old for you! But it makes me look younger!" "It's TOO OLD FOR YOU!"
I don't want to fight anymore. So I gave up on that dress. But she calls me again today..."It's TOO OLD FOR YOU! Why do you want the dress?? It's TOO OLD FOR YOU! It makes me look younger! Better for me!" "ok mom" I just don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to be one of those daughters that claws the dress of her own mother.
"This is how grudges get started" is what my fiance said to me. He's right. I think I'm holding a huge grudge against my mom right now. I don't know if it's a grudge or just overwhelming pain from facing the truth that my own MOTHER is refusing her own DAUGHTER a dress on her own DAUGHTER's wedding night. That stings. On my mother's defense, I really think she's convinced herself that the dress is too old for me. Or at least it makes me look too old?? I'm not even sure I'm understanding why she thinks that dress is just all kinds of wrong for me, even though I'm in love with it. *sighs
So among all this drama, my best friend since Kindergarten texts me and tells me that although she RSVP'ed that she's coming, she's no longer going to come due to financial issues. Ouch, that also stings. She's someone that I really wanted to be an active part of my wedding, like part of my wedding party. But because she's popped out a couple of kids, she wasn't going to be able to play a big part in my wedding, I was just happy she could come and share my big day with me. Well.... let's put a big X through that idea now. *sad
My fiance was very nice. He suggested we fly her, her husband and her two babies down...even though we are tight on money right now, he's willing to do it, just because he saw how sad I was when I found out she's not coming. He's a nice guy, at least if this wedding crumbles beneath my feet, I'll still have him. *consolation smile
So one of my bridesmaids realized that the bridesmaid dress we all agreed on isn't flattering on her. So she's requesting to change the dress. So even though I wanted all the girls to wear the same dress, I thought, ok, let's compromise, so let's just have two of them change dresses and the other girl will have a different dress. Then when the two of them wasn't completely agreeing on a dress, due to a strapless, no strapless issue.....I almost lost it when she asked me if we could all wear different dresses.
I don't want to feel like I'm a drama queen or that I'm a bridezilla or that I'm constantly complaining about all these petty problems, but I wanted certain things in my wedding. I had certain ideas, I had certain thoughts and now I just feel like one thing after another is just a compromise, another compromise, another compromise and now it doesn't even look anything close to the wedding I had in mind!
But it's not all bad. I mean, I still get to get married. I got the paper invitations I wanted (even though I didn't get to send them out to any of my friends). I still get a wedding dress, a traditional outfit, my hair and makeup done, etc etc. I still get everything, just not what I wanted I guess. See...this is why I feel like a spoiled little kid that gets everything for their birthday party but still throws a tantrum because it's not what they "wanted". I feel silly even blogging about this. Why am I such a complainer? I should be grateful I have what I have. Ugh, I'm just crazy.
Can't wait until all this is over! It's turning me into an ungrateful, spoiled brat that complains all the time and I don't like it!!
I just have to focus on the fact that 10 years from now, none of this will matter. What's going to matter is if I'm in a happy marriage or not and if I'm happy with my job or not. This is just ONE day of my entire life. I just need to chill out. Focus on the big picture. *deep breath
I just have to focus on the fact that 10 years from now, none of this will matter. What's going to matter is if I'm in a happy marriage or not and if I'm happy with my job or not. This is just ONE day of my entire life. I just need to chill out. Focus on the big picture. *deep breath
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Grey's Anatomy on Gloomy Days
After a little while on hiatus, I guess I'm back again. There's been so many changes the last few months, it almost seems unreal. I moved to a different state to be closer to my fiance, I started new jobs, went on job interviews, living in a new home, getting to know new friends, going to Asia, suffering from jet lag after coming back from Asia, it's been an interesting ride so far.
On the topic of jet lag, I really thought I had beat it and here I am waking up at 2am. It's 6:30am right now as I'm blogging but this is after 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy and a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory. I thought I would be tired by now but I'm still wide awake. I've been eating every hour or so since I've been awake and I would go poke my fiance after ever mini meal to see if he's ready to wake up, but no such luck. My most recent wake up call at 6am didn't go so well. He pretty much yelled at me and threw me out of the bedroom. I deserve it, I have been pestering him every hour since 2am.
So that leaves me here. In the livingroom. I thought I could keep marathon-ing Grey's Anatomy/The Big Bang Theory or I could blog a little (and give you a little treat, since I know you like reading these blogs).
I had stopped watching Grey's Anatomy for months now. I thought the plot line was getting old and the characters were getting annoying. Meredith Grey, can she be more pushy, bossy, whiny and selfish? I don't know, I guess she can since the show is still going. So why did I start watching it again? I heard they killed off Patrick Dempsey's character, Derek Sheppard (sorry for the spoilers if you didn't know!), so I really wanted to see how they did it. How do you kill off a character that's almost/nearly the main character? Someone that's been on the show since the beginning? Meredith's other half? Her pillar? They already took away Cristina Yang (her bestie) and now her husband too?? Oh no, the humanity! Anyways, long story short, I watched the car crash that took Derek Sheppard's life away. And boy was it SAD! I forgot how every episode of Grey's Anatomy leaves me in shambles. The show, almost, always leaves me in tears. Very rarely do I walk away from a Grey's Anatomy episode unscathed.
So here I am, searching for the episode with Derek Sheppard's death...and of course, I find it. At first, it wasn't so bad. I went into the episode with no expectations. I felt like I had already removed myself away from any emotional attachment to any of the characters since I haven't keep watching for months now, but almost immediately, I'm sucked back into the show. All the emotions poured back into me. The gut wrenching scene, at the end of the episode, where Derek's in a coma and Meredith signs the papers to discontinue his life support, did a number on my emotions. I don't know if you watched it or not, but if you haven't watched it and plan on watching it, plan for a box of tissues! As the nurse turns off each instrument that is keeping Derek alive, there's all these flash backs to all the good times the couple has had together. All the "I love you's" they have shared. All the memories. It was too much. I mean, I haven't even followed Grey's Anatomy from the beginning but I was emotional beyond belief! I was seriously probably crying for a good 20mins after the episode ended. And after I was done crying, I went and told my fiance about the episode (all I did was describe it) and I started crying all over again. It was just too much!
I think what really appeals to my emotions is not that I'm really attached to Derek's character. I mean, he's just a fictional character on a fictional TV show. I think what really got my water works going was imagining that I was in Meredith's shoes. What if I was the one next to my husband and watching the nurse turn off each monitor, each instrument that was keeping my husband alive? How would I feel? Gosh, as I'm thinking about it now, there are tears brimming on in my eyes. But not just my husband, what if it was my dad or my mom or my brother or grandma or friend or anyone else I care about? I don't think I would be able to keep myself together.
You know how you always watch TV and there are those people that faint when they hear really shocking news? I've always thought, "how can someone faint to shocking news?" "how can you seriously be so grief stricken or over taken by your emotions that you would faint?"...but now that I think about it, from how I react to fictional deaths on mere TV shows, I'm predicting that I would probably be a fainter too. If not a fainter, at least one of those totally CRAZY wrecks that run around screaming and crying, uncontrollably. I'd probably need some sort of medical sedation just to calm me down.
So back to Grey's Anatomy...so just like that, I think I'm sucked back into the show now. I was so inspired by those brief flashbacks that I wanted to know how Meredith and Derek's relationship began. So I referred to good old Netflex. Yes, this is where I have been watching the show from the very beginning, season 1, episode 1. So I guess Derek and Meredith have been together since the very beginning. In fact, the very beginning scene of the whole series starts with them waking up from a one night stand together. Like I said, just like that, the writers decided to kill off such a vital and veteran character on the show. But I guess that's how real life is too, you never know what's going to happen. Just like in real life, the main characters don't always live.
You know, this is exactly what watching Grey's Anatomy does to me. It makes me depressed and sad about life. And the gloomy skies here doesn't help with the somber emotional vibes I'm feeling. So this is exactly why after 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, I decided to switch to something more light hearted and happy, like The Big Bang Theory. I figured I haven't been watching it for months now too, there's many episodes to catch up on. I realized there are actually too many episodes to catch up on, I'm not even sure which episode I left off on. So now I'm searching for where I left off.
Why did I stop watching The Big Bang Theory? First, I think it's ridiculous that each of the leading characters get 1 million dollars PER EPISODE. Seriously?!?!? We have millions of dollars to pay actors for a 20 min episode on TV but we don't have money to end hunger, stop global warming and save the world of suffering and destruction?? Yes world, we have shown time and time again that we have great priorities in life. Any how, second reason I stopped watching The Big Bang Theory is because this is one of the shows that I used to watch with John at his house. Since his passing, it's been hard to pick up things that I used to do with him. From time to time, I still think about him, certain things remind me of him and I always stop to just rekindle that little memory I have of him and then try to move on. I thought I had gotten over it, I try to not bring it up, I try to not think about it, but as much as I try not to dwell on the fact that he's gone, it still stings every time a memory pops up. It's difficult to imagine someone being truly gone. One part of me understands that death is just a natural part of life and the other part of me will just never stop dwelling over the pain of a loss loved one. However will I manage to cope with more losses in life? I don't know. I don't know if I ever even want to find out.
My mom told me recently that my Dad has been getting these uncontrolled head "tremors". Don't know what they are, but it worries me. He has a doctor's appointment on Friday and my mom said she'll bring it up. Hopefully it's nothing serious. I remember looking at my Dad's palm and seeing that his life line is short, just like mine. My mom has a really long life line, so does both my grandmas. I remember that was around the time my Dad was diagnosed with diabetes. I mean, it makes sense right? Poorly controlled diabetes leads to complications which can shorten your life. Neuropathy is one of these complications and uncontrolled tremors sounds like a neuropathy issue.
So I've been calling my Dad after work, just having a casual conversation with him. I didn't realize how little I talk to my Dad. He's always been a man of few words. But it was still nice hearing his voice. He told me that there were these new restaurants that opened and he wants me to take me to them when I go back to visit. It's so like my Dad to always think of food. Like father, like daughter right? While I was talking to him, I broke down and started crying. I was silent about it, so I don't think he heard me. I was thinking "I have to remember this moment, I have to remember his voice, I have to remember my interactions with him, I have to remember this!" "What if something happens to him? What if they find something and he's diagnosed with something terrible? What if I loose him? What if this is the last time I get to talk to him?" I couldn't hold it together. I'm surprised my Dad didn't hear me or suspect anything fishy. I mean, completely stopped talking and was silent. Silently crying and sniffling. But I guess he was too distracted and busy telling me about the new restaurants to notice I was really quiet.
Now I just sit around and worry about losing my family and friends. I know, I sound crazy. I'm always been so obsessed with planning for the future, "what's my next step?" "how do I expedite this so I can do this as fast as possible and move on?" "what's my next move?" and I never live in the moment. I don't really think about what I'm doing now. I rarely slow down to "smell the flowers". Really take in what's around me and enjoy the here and now. And I think this is why I don't do it. When I slow down and I think about the moment I have right now, I almost always break down. I realize how precious life is, I realize how fragile life is. I realize how important my friends and family are to me and I get overwhelmingly worried someone I know and care about is going to drop dead on me. And then I just sit here and cry dreading the day that happens.
As I'm writing this blog I've been incessantly tearing, crying, breaking down, you name it. There here and now is scary. It's especially scary for me right now. This is the first time in my life that I have everything. I have a love life, a career, family, friends, a nice home, what more can I ask for? I almost feel like things are too perfect for me right now. It can't last this way forever. Something bad is going to happen. Something bad always happens. Perfection does not last. Am I just a masochist (seeking suffering) or do I just have an apocalyptic/fatalistic view of my life?
On the topic of jet lag, I really thought I had beat it and here I am waking up at 2am. It's 6:30am right now as I'm blogging but this is after 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy and a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory. I thought I would be tired by now but I'm still wide awake. I've been eating every hour or so since I've been awake and I would go poke my fiance after ever mini meal to see if he's ready to wake up, but no such luck. My most recent wake up call at 6am didn't go so well. He pretty much yelled at me and threw me out of the bedroom. I deserve it, I have been pestering him every hour since 2am.
So that leaves me here. In the livingroom. I thought I could keep marathon-ing Grey's Anatomy/The Big Bang Theory or I could blog a little (and give you a little treat, since I know you like reading these blogs).
I had stopped watching Grey's Anatomy for months now. I thought the plot line was getting old and the characters were getting annoying. Meredith Grey, can she be more pushy, bossy, whiny and selfish? I don't know, I guess she can since the show is still going. So why did I start watching it again? I heard they killed off Patrick Dempsey's character, Derek Sheppard (sorry for the spoilers if you didn't know!), so I really wanted to see how they did it. How do you kill off a character that's almost/nearly the main character? Someone that's been on the show since the beginning? Meredith's other half? Her pillar? They already took away Cristina Yang (her bestie) and now her husband too?? Oh no, the humanity! Anyways, long story short, I watched the car crash that took Derek Sheppard's life away. And boy was it SAD! I forgot how every episode of Grey's Anatomy leaves me in shambles. The show, almost, always leaves me in tears. Very rarely do I walk away from a Grey's Anatomy episode unscathed.
So here I am, searching for the episode with Derek Sheppard's death...and of course, I find it. At first, it wasn't so bad. I went into the episode with no expectations. I felt like I had already removed myself away from any emotional attachment to any of the characters since I haven't keep watching for months now, but almost immediately, I'm sucked back into the show. All the emotions poured back into me. The gut wrenching scene, at the end of the episode, where Derek's in a coma and Meredith signs the papers to discontinue his life support, did a number on my emotions. I don't know if you watched it or not, but if you haven't watched it and plan on watching it, plan for a box of tissues! As the nurse turns off each instrument that is keeping Derek alive, there's all these flash backs to all the good times the couple has had together. All the "I love you's" they have shared. All the memories. It was too much. I mean, I haven't even followed Grey's Anatomy from the beginning but I was emotional beyond belief! I was seriously probably crying for a good 20mins after the episode ended. And after I was done crying, I went and told my fiance about the episode (all I did was describe it) and I started crying all over again. It was just too much!
I think what really appeals to my emotions is not that I'm really attached to Derek's character. I mean, he's just a fictional character on a fictional TV show. I think what really got my water works going was imagining that I was in Meredith's shoes. What if I was the one next to my husband and watching the nurse turn off each monitor, each instrument that was keeping my husband alive? How would I feel? Gosh, as I'm thinking about it now, there are tears brimming on in my eyes. But not just my husband, what if it was my dad or my mom or my brother or grandma or friend or anyone else I care about? I don't think I would be able to keep myself together.
You know how you always watch TV and there are those people that faint when they hear really shocking news? I've always thought, "how can someone faint to shocking news?" "how can you seriously be so grief stricken or over taken by your emotions that you would faint?"...but now that I think about it, from how I react to fictional deaths on mere TV shows, I'm predicting that I would probably be a fainter too. If not a fainter, at least one of those totally CRAZY wrecks that run around screaming and crying, uncontrollably. I'd probably need some sort of medical sedation just to calm me down.
So back to Grey's Anatomy...so just like that, I think I'm sucked back into the show now. I was so inspired by those brief flashbacks that I wanted to know how Meredith and Derek's relationship began. So I referred to good old Netflex. Yes, this is where I have been watching the show from the very beginning, season 1, episode 1. So I guess Derek and Meredith have been together since the very beginning. In fact, the very beginning scene of the whole series starts with them waking up from a one night stand together. Like I said, just like that, the writers decided to kill off such a vital and veteran character on the show. But I guess that's how real life is too, you never know what's going to happen. Just like in real life, the main characters don't always live.
You know, this is exactly what watching Grey's Anatomy does to me. It makes me depressed and sad about life. And the gloomy skies here doesn't help with the somber emotional vibes I'm feeling. So this is exactly why after 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, I decided to switch to something more light hearted and happy, like The Big Bang Theory. I figured I haven't been watching it for months now too, there's many episodes to catch up on. I realized there are actually too many episodes to catch up on, I'm not even sure which episode I left off on. So now I'm searching for where I left off.
Why did I stop watching The Big Bang Theory? First, I think it's ridiculous that each of the leading characters get 1 million dollars PER EPISODE. Seriously?!?!? We have millions of dollars to pay actors for a 20 min episode on TV but we don't have money to end hunger, stop global warming and save the world of suffering and destruction?? Yes world, we have shown time and time again that we have great priorities in life. Any how, second reason I stopped watching The Big Bang Theory is because this is one of the shows that I used to watch with John at his house. Since his passing, it's been hard to pick up things that I used to do with him. From time to time, I still think about him, certain things remind me of him and I always stop to just rekindle that little memory I have of him and then try to move on. I thought I had gotten over it, I try to not bring it up, I try to not think about it, but as much as I try not to dwell on the fact that he's gone, it still stings every time a memory pops up. It's difficult to imagine someone being truly gone. One part of me understands that death is just a natural part of life and the other part of me will just never stop dwelling over the pain of a loss loved one. However will I manage to cope with more losses in life? I don't know. I don't know if I ever even want to find out.
My mom told me recently that my Dad has been getting these uncontrolled head "tremors". Don't know what they are, but it worries me. He has a doctor's appointment on Friday and my mom said she'll bring it up. Hopefully it's nothing serious. I remember looking at my Dad's palm and seeing that his life line is short, just like mine. My mom has a really long life line, so does both my grandmas. I remember that was around the time my Dad was diagnosed with diabetes. I mean, it makes sense right? Poorly controlled diabetes leads to complications which can shorten your life. Neuropathy is one of these complications and uncontrolled tremors sounds like a neuropathy issue.
So I've been calling my Dad after work, just having a casual conversation with him. I didn't realize how little I talk to my Dad. He's always been a man of few words. But it was still nice hearing his voice. He told me that there were these new restaurants that opened and he wants me to take me to them when I go back to visit. It's so like my Dad to always think of food. Like father, like daughter right? While I was talking to him, I broke down and started crying. I was silent about it, so I don't think he heard me. I was thinking "I have to remember this moment, I have to remember his voice, I have to remember my interactions with him, I have to remember this!" "What if something happens to him? What if they find something and he's diagnosed with something terrible? What if I loose him? What if this is the last time I get to talk to him?" I couldn't hold it together. I'm surprised my Dad didn't hear me or suspect anything fishy. I mean, completely stopped talking and was silent. Silently crying and sniffling. But I guess he was too distracted and busy telling me about the new restaurants to notice I was really quiet.
Now I just sit around and worry about losing my family and friends. I know, I sound crazy. I'm always been so obsessed with planning for the future, "what's my next step?" "how do I expedite this so I can do this as fast as possible and move on?" "what's my next move?" and I never live in the moment. I don't really think about what I'm doing now. I rarely slow down to "smell the flowers". Really take in what's around me and enjoy the here and now. And I think this is why I don't do it. When I slow down and I think about the moment I have right now, I almost always break down. I realize how precious life is, I realize how fragile life is. I realize how important my friends and family are to me and I get overwhelmingly worried someone I know and care about is going to drop dead on me. And then I just sit here and cry dreading the day that happens.
As I'm writing this blog I've been incessantly tearing, crying, breaking down, you name it. There here and now is scary. It's especially scary for me right now. This is the first time in my life that I have everything. I have a love life, a career, family, friends, a nice home, what more can I ask for? I almost feel like things are too perfect for me right now. It can't last this way forever. Something bad is going to happen. Something bad always happens. Perfection does not last. Am I just a masochist (seeking suffering) or do I just have an apocalyptic/fatalistic view of my life?
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Memories of John
I still remember the first time I met John. I was sitting at my desk at work and Dr. "Oregon" (she's the doctor that moved away to Oregon) walked John over to my desk to introduce us. Dr. Oregon went on to explain that John's the new doctor that we hired to work in the clinic and that he's looking for housing. I guess John had found a place to stay but it was in a very questionable area in town. There was a murder and a shooting a while back at those apartments (so I heard). So Dr. Oregon introduced us with the intention that I could tell John a little about the apartments I live in now, so maybe he can move out of his death zone and into my safe apartments. So we started talking and he grew more and more interested in my apartments. So at lunch time, I walked him over to our leasing office and got him signed up for a 6 month lease for a furnished apartment. He made a decision so quickly. But then again, anything is better than that shady area he was going to live at.
He was really happy I "helped" him find housing and he wanted to take me out to dinner to thank me. I really didn't do anything at all. I just walked him over the lease office and told him a little about the apartment. But that's how he always was. The smallest, most insignificant thing you do for him, he will treat it as if you smuggled him out of a concentration camp during the Holocaust and saved his life. So knowing me, I can't resist food, so we went out either that night or the night after for dinner at Olive Garden. That was the first meal we shared together.
He was all smiles the whole night. So excited about being in a new city, meeting new people, starting a new job, I guess. Or maybe he's just, in general, a very happy person. He learned about me and I learned about him. I found out why he moved here. He told me that his mother, father, and girlfriend all passed away within 1 year of each other and it just became too painful to live there anymore. He had to move away and start a new life. "Wow, that's terrible, I feel so bad for him" is what I remember thinking. That's really rough. Having both your parents and your potential significant other pass away so close to each other? Gosh, I think I would have lost it. I also found out that night his girlfriend passed away from lymphoma. That made me think of you. So when we were done eating, as he promised, he treated me. We wrapped up our conversation and went home. That was the very first meal we shared together. I can still remember where we were sitting in the restaurant and all his mannerisms. I remember thinking he had an interesting way of eating pasta. He would wrap as much pasta up in a fork as he could, put the pasta ball into his mouth, the rest of the loose pasta strands that hung down from his mouth, he slurped up the pasta and covered his mouth while he was doing it.
After he treated me to that Olive Garden dinner, which I was so thankful for, I was planning on treating him the next time we went out, if we ever did decide to go out again. But little did I know, this trend of him treating me out would continue for the rest of friendship. He was always so generous. I've never paid for a single meal when we dined out together. I got really close one time. He went to the restroom right when the bill came. I quickly pulled out my card and paid for the meal. When he came back and found out that I had paid already, he was shocked and adamant that I take the cash back. When I refused, he just left the cash on the table and started walking away. Which basically if I didn't take the money, then the waitresses would have had a HUGE tip. I guess I could have left the money on the table, but I took it with me and ran to catch up with John. I was surprised to find John so stubborn against letting me pay for any meals we shared together.
So after our first encounter and our meal we shared together, we gradually grew closer since we lived in the same apartment complex and worked in the same clinic. Very shortly, we were pretty much eating lunch and dinner together. Whether it be something he cooked or something that he would buy, he would feed me like I was his daughter. That's what he ended up calling me, "my half-daughter". That's sweet of him.
He really liked to walk. That was his form of exercise. He had neck pain and knee issues, so he really couldn't perform high impact activities. He would invite me to go walking with him from time to time. He found a park that had a long 1 mile track. I wouldn't believe him at first, so I went on google maps and I mapped it out. Then I told my fiance and he didn't believe me and he went on google map and mapped it out. It is indeed, a 1 mile track. It has gentle incline and declines and there's a big grass area in the middle of the track for picnics, BBQs, playgrounds, etc. He really really liked this park. It became his favorite really fast. He liked to watch the kids play and eat in the grassy area while he walked around the track.
He really likes kids. His eyes would light up every time he talked about kids or saw a child. I think you know how I feel about some babies...not all are cute. Well, he thought every child is beautiful, an amazing masterpiece, the ultimate symbol of love. He has such a kind and loving heart.
When John bought his house here, he was so excited. He really liked this place. He thinks that it's nice because it has a small town feel and it's quiet. It doesn't have the hustle and bustle feeling of a big city. He said he wants to eventually retire here. I guess in a sense, he did "retire" here. He was so happy about purchasing his new home, that he threw a party at work. He ordered a ton of pizza, bought a ton of chips, dips, drinks and treated everyone in the clinic to lunch. Because he was "hosting" the lunch, he barely ate. He just was pacing around making sure everyone got enough food.
I still remember helping him move. That weekend his sister came to help him. It was the first time I met her. In the short few months he'd been here, he sure accumulated a lot of stuff! Some of it he gave away to me, and most of it he would either trash or donate. I only helped him move mainly books and clothes. He was so thankful. He always gives and gives and rarely asks for anything in return. I really don't think he even asked me to help him move, I think he just told me he was moving and I volunteered. He was incredibly grateful. And I was happy I was finally able to do something for him, to thank him for always feeding me.
My fiance came to visit me here. I really wanted him to meet John. So the night we went out together for dinner we went to this Mexican restaurant and it was a huge fiasco because they wouldn't let us order anything we wanted. But when we finally found something to order, I really wanted my fiance to pay for him to thank him for all the meals he's paid for me. John's reasoning to always pay for me is because knows I have loans to pay back and he doesn't, so he wanted me to save my money to pay back my loans. So I thought he would accept my fiance paying for him since my fiance works and doesn't have any loans. But he insisted on paying for us, and it just made me feel even worse, because now he not only paid for me, but for my fiance too.
My mom, grandma, aunt and uncle came to visit me here too. I wanted them to meet John so we all went out to dinner together. And, of course, he paid for my whole family! I really thought I could pay for that meal, but no, he is just too generous. When my friends came to visit me (that's you) he invited us over to his house and fed us. Basically, it's always him being incredibly generous and me feeling forever grateful towards his kindness.
I told John about how I was wearing my friend's old engagement ring from her failed marriage. I didn't want her to throw it away because it was white gold and it was really pretty...and it fit my finger. So I've been wearing it since I was undergrad. John convinced me to get rid of it because he thought it was giving me bad luck. I don't know if it's just coincidence, but shortly after I got rid of it, I got engaged. Kinda funny how that worked out huh? I really should thank John for making me get rid of the ring, because it's really moved my life along.
I watched the Imitation Game last night with my students. It's a really good and educational movie. But if you haven't seen it, it does mention suicide in the movie. That really struck a chord with me since John's incident. I used to just hear about suicide and it would be sad, but I didn't think too much of it. Now that it's happened to someone that I was so close to, it means so much more. To be in so much pain that you would want to end your own life, that really speaks volumes. I'm really trying to focus more on celebrating his life and less on how it ended. Maybe it's too soon, but it's still difficult for me to completely ignore how his life ended. His choice to end it sooner than God's plan. Well, maybe not "God" per say but a bigger being?
Sorry, this blog entry is just all over the place. I'm just thinking of random memories and jotting down all these random thoughts.
I have to accept he's gone now. It pains me that he won't be there at my wedding in Sept. He was so excited about it when I got engaged and he would always ask me about my wedding plans. He even told me one time "I don't care if it's in China, I will for sure come to your wedding!" He's also told me that he would for sure come visit me when I move away. These are all just blank promises now. It's really odd when someone passes away, I feel like it's a joke and they aren't really dead. I feel like he can just appear in front of me at any moment or call me on the phone and I'm going to meet up with him again and we are going to share more meals together. It hasn't clicked to me those things aren't going to happen anymore. Such an odd feeling to think someone is gone forever. Just like that, the last chapter of their book is closed.
I can think of a few songs that John has mentioned to me that he really likes. He likes that "Best day of my life song". I thought it was very uplifting and fun song. He really liked John Legend's "All of me" song. He first heard it when we went to a co-worker's daughter's wedding together. It was their first dance song. Very lovely song. He thought it was beautiful.
Sometimes I wonder if it's the desolant desert that brought about his demise. Would this have happened if he was in a busier city? Had more job opportunities? Had more friends/family around? Had more activities/hobbies to occupy his time? Well, considering I will never know the reason he took his life, I will never get these questions answered.
Dr. Oregon shared with me that there were people that tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and they survived. All the people that survived mentioned that they were really glad they hadn't died. They were really happy to have gotten a second chance. And almost all of them regreted it once they jumped, but obviously it was already too late to change their mind, they were about to hit the water. It makes me think of John. What was going on in his mind moments before he got hit by the big rig? Was it regret or relief that he's going to be at peace soon? If he survived, what would his thoughts have been? Would he be relieved he survived or would he try to takes his life again?
Always, I'm going to have so many qustions about John. But obviously, I'm never going to get an answer, so I should just stop asking them. I'm focusing on just acceptance and moving on. Acceptance...and moving on...
He was really happy I "helped" him find housing and he wanted to take me out to dinner to thank me. I really didn't do anything at all. I just walked him over the lease office and told him a little about the apartment. But that's how he always was. The smallest, most insignificant thing you do for him, he will treat it as if you smuggled him out of a concentration camp during the Holocaust and saved his life. So knowing me, I can't resist food, so we went out either that night or the night after for dinner at Olive Garden. That was the first meal we shared together.
He was all smiles the whole night. So excited about being in a new city, meeting new people, starting a new job, I guess. Or maybe he's just, in general, a very happy person. He learned about me and I learned about him. I found out why he moved here. He told me that his mother, father, and girlfriend all passed away within 1 year of each other and it just became too painful to live there anymore. He had to move away and start a new life. "Wow, that's terrible, I feel so bad for him" is what I remember thinking. That's really rough. Having both your parents and your potential significant other pass away so close to each other? Gosh, I think I would have lost it. I also found out that night his girlfriend passed away from lymphoma. That made me think of you. So when we were done eating, as he promised, he treated me. We wrapped up our conversation and went home. That was the very first meal we shared together. I can still remember where we were sitting in the restaurant and all his mannerisms. I remember thinking he had an interesting way of eating pasta. He would wrap as much pasta up in a fork as he could, put the pasta ball into his mouth, the rest of the loose pasta strands that hung down from his mouth, he slurped up the pasta and covered his mouth while he was doing it.
After he treated me to that Olive Garden dinner, which I was so thankful for, I was planning on treating him the next time we went out, if we ever did decide to go out again. But little did I know, this trend of him treating me out would continue for the rest of friendship. He was always so generous. I've never paid for a single meal when we dined out together. I got really close one time. He went to the restroom right when the bill came. I quickly pulled out my card and paid for the meal. When he came back and found out that I had paid already, he was shocked and adamant that I take the cash back. When I refused, he just left the cash on the table and started walking away. Which basically if I didn't take the money, then the waitresses would have had a HUGE tip. I guess I could have left the money on the table, but I took it with me and ran to catch up with John. I was surprised to find John so stubborn against letting me pay for any meals we shared together.
So after our first encounter and our meal we shared together, we gradually grew closer since we lived in the same apartment complex and worked in the same clinic. Very shortly, we were pretty much eating lunch and dinner together. Whether it be something he cooked or something that he would buy, he would feed me like I was his daughter. That's what he ended up calling me, "my half-daughter". That's sweet of him.
He really liked to walk. That was his form of exercise. He had neck pain and knee issues, so he really couldn't perform high impact activities. He would invite me to go walking with him from time to time. He found a park that had a long 1 mile track. I wouldn't believe him at first, so I went on google maps and I mapped it out. Then I told my fiance and he didn't believe me and he went on google map and mapped it out. It is indeed, a 1 mile track. It has gentle incline and declines and there's a big grass area in the middle of the track for picnics, BBQs, playgrounds, etc. He really really liked this park. It became his favorite really fast. He liked to watch the kids play and eat in the grassy area while he walked around the track.
He really likes kids. His eyes would light up every time he talked about kids or saw a child. I think you know how I feel about some babies...not all are cute. Well, he thought every child is beautiful, an amazing masterpiece, the ultimate symbol of love. He has such a kind and loving heart.
When John bought his house here, he was so excited. He really liked this place. He thinks that it's nice because it has a small town feel and it's quiet. It doesn't have the hustle and bustle feeling of a big city. He said he wants to eventually retire here. I guess in a sense, he did "retire" here. He was so happy about purchasing his new home, that he threw a party at work. He ordered a ton of pizza, bought a ton of chips, dips, drinks and treated everyone in the clinic to lunch. Because he was "hosting" the lunch, he barely ate. He just was pacing around making sure everyone got enough food.
I still remember helping him move. That weekend his sister came to help him. It was the first time I met her. In the short few months he'd been here, he sure accumulated a lot of stuff! Some of it he gave away to me, and most of it he would either trash or donate. I only helped him move mainly books and clothes. He was so thankful. He always gives and gives and rarely asks for anything in return. I really don't think he even asked me to help him move, I think he just told me he was moving and I volunteered. He was incredibly grateful. And I was happy I was finally able to do something for him, to thank him for always feeding me.
My fiance came to visit me here. I really wanted him to meet John. So the night we went out together for dinner we went to this Mexican restaurant and it was a huge fiasco because they wouldn't let us order anything we wanted. But when we finally found something to order, I really wanted my fiance to pay for him to thank him for all the meals he's paid for me. John's reasoning to always pay for me is because knows I have loans to pay back and he doesn't, so he wanted me to save my money to pay back my loans. So I thought he would accept my fiance paying for him since my fiance works and doesn't have any loans. But he insisted on paying for us, and it just made me feel even worse, because now he not only paid for me, but for my fiance too.
My mom, grandma, aunt and uncle came to visit me here too. I wanted them to meet John so we all went out to dinner together. And, of course, he paid for my whole family! I really thought I could pay for that meal, but no, he is just too generous. When my friends came to visit me (that's you) he invited us over to his house and fed us. Basically, it's always him being incredibly generous and me feeling forever grateful towards his kindness.
I told John about how I was wearing my friend's old engagement ring from her failed marriage. I didn't want her to throw it away because it was white gold and it was really pretty...and it fit my finger. So I've been wearing it since I was undergrad. John convinced me to get rid of it because he thought it was giving me bad luck. I don't know if it's just coincidence, but shortly after I got rid of it, I got engaged. Kinda funny how that worked out huh? I really should thank John for making me get rid of the ring, because it's really moved my life along.
I watched the Imitation Game last night with my students. It's a really good and educational movie. But if you haven't seen it, it does mention suicide in the movie. That really struck a chord with me since John's incident. I used to just hear about suicide and it would be sad, but I didn't think too much of it. Now that it's happened to someone that I was so close to, it means so much more. To be in so much pain that you would want to end your own life, that really speaks volumes. I'm really trying to focus more on celebrating his life and less on how it ended. Maybe it's too soon, but it's still difficult for me to completely ignore how his life ended. His choice to end it sooner than God's plan. Well, maybe not "God" per say but a bigger being?
Sorry, this blog entry is just all over the place. I'm just thinking of random memories and jotting down all these random thoughts.
I have to accept he's gone now. It pains me that he won't be there at my wedding in Sept. He was so excited about it when I got engaged and he would always ask me about my wedding plans. He even told me one time "I don't care if it's in China, I will for sure come to your wedding!" He's also told me that he would for sure come visit me when I move away. These are all just blank promises now. It's really odd when someone passes away, I feel like it's a joke and they aren't really dead. I feel like he can just appear in front of me at any moment or call me on the phone and I'm going to meet up with him again and we are going to share more meals together. It hasn't clicked to me those things aren't going to happen anymore. Such an odd feeling to think someone is gone forever. Just like that, the last chapter of their book is closed.
I can think of a few songs that John has mentioned to me that he really likes. He likes that "Best day of my life song". I thought it was very uplifting and fun song. He really liked John Legend's "All of me" song. He first heard it when we went to a co-worker's daughter's wedding together. It was their first dance song. Very lovely song. He thought it was beautiful.
Sometimes I wonder if it's the desolant desert that brought about his demise. Would this have happened if he was in a busier city? Had more job opportunities? Had more friends/family around? Had more activities/hobbies to occupy his time? Well, considering I will never know the reason he took his life, I will never get these questions answered.
Dr. Oregon shared with me that there were people that tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and they survived. All the people that survived mentioned that they were really glad they hadn't died. They were really happy to have gotten a second chance. And almost all of them regreted it once they jumped, but obviously it was already too late to change their mind, they were about to hit the water. It makes me think of John. What was going on in his mind moments before he got hit by the big rig? Was it regret or relief that he's going to be at peace soon? If he survived, what would his thoughts have been? Would he be relieved he survived or would he try to takes his life again?
Always, I'm going to have so many qustions about John. But obviously, I'm never going to get an answer, so I should just stop asking them. I'm focusing on just acceptance and moving on. Acceptance...and moving on...
Thursday, February 5, 2015
John's food
This week is finally over! I'm so relieved!
John's sister told me to go over to John's house last night and pick up some things. She gave me all his motivational magnets on his fridge. I gave him one of them, a Colorado magnet I picked up from going to Academy this year. That certainly struck a cord with me when I looked at all those magnets. There is one that has two pigs on it with the caption "We have to stop eating like this". He got that one to remind him to stop pigging out because whenever he ate with me, we would just eat, chat, eat and chat. He said he was concerned about his weight gain so that magnet was supposed to suppress his desires to pig out with me. Haha. Then there was another magnet that has a cartoon bear running ofter a cartoon man with the caption "Canadian Fast Food". I never really understood that magnet but he thought it was a hoot. He really liked it. It was nice to be reminded of those moments with him.
John's sister also gave me a lot of his frozen food. Four GIANT trash bags full of food. She needed to get rid of everything in his house, so taking that food off her hands really helped her. I took all that food back, I knew it couldn't fit in my fridge so I offered some to my students. They ended up telling me it's a bad omen to take food from the deceased. "He might come back and ask for his food back" is what one of them told me. As soon as he said that, chills went down my back. I ended up tossing ALL the food away.
Like I said, it's not like I don't want to see John again, but I'm sooooooo deathly afraid of ghosts and supernatural beings that I really would rather not have any encounters. I was so scared the rest of the night, I almost lost my mind.
Every second I spend alone has left me wallowing in with negativity. I'm really grateful my student has been so willing to keep me company during the night. Last night, both of them came over to keep me sane after the food fiasco! With them over, immediately, the entire vibe of my apartment was transformed. It felt so lively and happy. So different than when I'm there alone: so fearful, anxious and sad.
They studied and worked on their presentation (which is next week). They don't have wifi at their apartment so they were really grateful to use my wifi to look things up and do research for their presentation.
I slept late, but I slept so well last night. My students are night owls so they stayed up chatting and laughing about things.
Early this morning, one of them woke up and went back to their apartment. He said he couldn't bring all his beauty products and do his whole morning routine at my place. He's so funny.
A few people at work at putting together funds of money to donate to a local charity of choice in John's name. I think John would really like that. He spent his life giving back and doing charity work. I heard the funds are over $100 already. I'm so happy to hear that.
I'm really happy to go home today. So I won't be alone anymore. I'm dreading the drive back where I'll be alone again. I have to remember to bring tissues, I always forget. And I'm left with snot and dried tears streaming down my face. Not a good look.
John's sister told me to go over to John's house last night and pick up some things. She gave me all his motivational magnets on his fridge. I gave him one of them, a Colorado magnet I picked up from going to Academy this year. That certainly struck a cord with me when I looked at all those magnets. There is one that has two pigs on it with the caption "We have to stop eating like this". He got that one to remind him to stop pigging out because whenever he ate with me, we would just eat, chat, eat and chat. He said he was concerned about his weight gain so that magnet was supposed to suppress his desires to pig out with me. Haha. Then there was another magnet that has a cartoon bear running ofter a cartoon man with the caption "Canadian Fast Food". I never really understood that magnet but he thought it was a hoot. He really liked it. It was nice to be reminded of those moments with him.
John's sister also gave me a lot of his frozen food. Four GIANT trash bags full of food. She needed to get rid of everything in his house, so taking that food off her hands really helped her. I took all that food back, I knew it couldn't fit in my fridge so I offered some to my students. They ended up telling me it's a bad omen to take food from the deceased. "He might come back and ask for his food back" is what one of them told me. As soon as he said that, chills went down my back. I ended up tossing ALL the food away.
Like I said, it's not like I don't want to see John again, but I'm sooooooo deathly afraid of ghosts and supernatural beings that I really would rather not have any encounters. I was so scared the rest of the night, I almost lost my mind.
Every second I spend alone has left me wallowing in with negativity. I'm really grateful my student has been so willing to keep me company during the night. Last night, both of them came over to keep me sane after the food fiasco! With them over, immediately, the entire vibe of my apartment was transformed. It felt so lively and happy. So different than when I'm there alone: so fearful, anxious and sad.
They studied and worked on their presentation (which is next week). They don't have wifi at their apartment so they were really grateful to use my wifi to look things up and do research for their presentation.
I slept late, but I slept so well last night. My students are night owls so they stayed up chatting and laughing about things.
Early this morning, one of them woke up and went back to their apartment. He said he couldn't bring all his beauty products and do his whole morning routine at my place. He's so funny.
A few people at work at putting together funds of money to donate to a local charity of choice in John's name. I think John would really like that. He spent his life giving back and doing charity work. I heard the funds are over $100 already. I'm so happy to hear that.
I'm really happy to go home today. So I won't be alone anymore. I'm dreading the drive back where I'll be alone again. I have to remember to bring tissues, I always forget. And I'm left with snot and dried tears streaming down my face. Not a good look.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Long, tortuous nights
Nighttimes have been difficult, I'm not going to lie. There are so many distractions during the day, people, work, music, sounds, etc etc that I don't have time to feel sad. But when clinic is over and I go home, that's when it's tough. Tough to be alone with my thoughts, the sound of my co-worker's voice echoing in my head: "He committed suicide" over and over and over again. Letting the news sink in, as if it was the first time I heard it. Replaying the scene of how it must have happened. How he must have felt as the big rig came hurddling towards him. Trying to understand the last few thoughts that ran through his mind moments before he passed away. I don't know what the actual scene looked like, but what I'm imagining looks pretty horrific.
My fiance keeps telling me I should not think about it anymore and try to focus on happy thoughts or watch something funny on TV before I go to sleep but I can't help it. It's so quiet in my apartment, just me, myself and I. Every little rattle, tick, or jingle startles me. The worse is when I try to turn off all the lights, laying in the dark, in the silence, just listening to my clock tick/tock as each second turns into mins, and mins turns into hours and I'm still wide awake. I would open my eyes wide every so often to make sure there isn't anyone or anything hovering over me while I slept. I know, creeepy.
My heart rate must have been off the charts. I would feel my heart racing out of my chest and the blood rushing to my head. I felt my ears burn with heat. I would have to calm myself down by doing deep breathing, focusing on my breathing. But it didn't help. The clock keeps ticking. There's a crack. Eyes wide open. What was that?? I don't know. The room is empty. No one is there. Or is there? I close my eyes tight, my heart beats out of my chest, I feel my ears burning up, the rest of my body gets warm too, I'm too afraid to push my comforter off of me. It's my only layer of protection from the unknown. From whatever I am afraid of. I can't even tell you what I'm afraid of, I'm just afraid. The clock keeps ticking. There's a rattle from the sink. What was that?? Just pipes? I don't know. My eyes would open, nothing, no one is there. Or is there?
This was seriously how I spent the entire night! It was terrible trying to battle the demons in my head. The terror of facing the cold, silent night with nothing but my taunting thoughts. Needless to say, I was pretty tired at work yesterday.
A few co-workers came by to check on me and make sure I was ok. I appreciated their kind words. I am haunted by this tragic event, but I'm not overwhelmed by saddness. I'm getting by ok. My students actually really helped me recover. They are both uplifting and supportive but not smoothering. They let me come to them, they didn't pry. They listened when I opened up but didn't tip toe around me or caudle me. I liked that. They even took me out for a stromboli after work. Their treat. It was really nice of them. I got to talk about it more and got more feelings off my chest. It was nice. The restaurant we went to was around John's house. We had actually eaten at that same stromboli place before and sat at the same bench that we sat at last night. I have to say, it was hard to relive those memories as they flashed past my mind. Driving down the same freeway, driving by his house, sitting where we sat many months ago and eating the foods that we once shared together.
I'm really glad my students were there. They really did help ease the pain.
In a desperate attempt to get some sleep, I asked them if they could stay with me last night at my apartment. One of them came, the other one said it would be too difficult to bring over all his supplies to get ready in the morning, since he's more high maintenance. It was nice to have him in my apartment. It really made a huge difference. He came over pretty late, 11:30pm. I wasn't asleep yet, I can't sleep. We chatted for a while, until 1am. And we finally went to sleep. He slept in another room on the couch and I slept where I normally did, the futon in the livingroom.
It was so much easier sleeping with him there. But I was still a little afraid. I would hear noises, which would have freightened me beyond belief, but with him there, I was a little more brave. I was able to fall asleep and I woke up more well rested this morning. I woke him up and made him some breakfast. It was nothing fancy, just reheated up things my parents made. We got ready together and went to work.
I wonder how much longer I have to live like this. I fear asking him to spend the night again. But I really do think it helps with him over. Maybe he can just stay for the rest of this week?
My fiance keeps telling me I should not think about it anymore and try to focus on happy thoughts or watch something funny on TV before I go to sleep but I can't help it. It's so quiet in my apartment, just me, myself and I. Every little rattle, tick, or jingle startles me. The worse is when I try to turn off all the lights, laying in the dark, in the silence, just listening to my clock tick/tock as each second turns into mins, and mins turns into hours and I'm still wide awake. I would open my eyes wide every so often to make sure there isn't anyone or anything hovering over me while I slept. I know, creeepy.
My heart rate must have been off the charts. I would feel my heart racing out of my chest and the blood rushing to my head. I felt my ears burn with heat. I would have to calm myself down by doing deep breathing, focusing on my breathing. But it didn't help. The clock keeps ticking. There's a crack. Eyes wide open. What was that?? I don't know. The room is empty. No one is there. Or is there? I close my eyes tight, my heart beats out of my chest, I feel my ears burning up, the rest of my body gets warm too, I'm too afraid to push my comforter off of me. It's my only layer of protection from the unknown. From whatever I am afraid of. I can't even tell you what I'm afraid of, I'm just afraid. The clock keeps ticking. There's a rattle from the sink. What was that?? Just pipes? I don't know. My eyes would open, nothing, no one is there. Or is there?
This was seriously how I spent the entire night! It was terrible trying to battle the demons in my head. The terror of facing the cold, silent night with nothing but my taunting thoughts. Needless to say, I was pretty tired at work yesterday.
A few co-workers came by to check on me and make sure I was ok. I appreciated their kind words. I am haunted by this tragic event, but I'm not overwhelmed by saddness. I'm getting by ok. My students actually really helped me recover. They are both uplifting and supportive but not smoothering. They let me come to them, they didn't pry. They listened when I opened up but didn't tip toe around me or caudle me. I liked that. They even took me out for a stromboli after work. Their treat. It was really nice of them. I got to talk about it more and got more feelings off my chest. It was nice. The restaurant we went to was around John's house. We had actually eaten at that same stromboli place before and sat at the same bench that we sat at last night. I have to say, it was hard to relive those memories as they flashed past my mind. Driving down the same freeway, driving by his house, sitting where we sat many months ago and eating the foods that we once shared together.
I'm really glad my students were there. They really did help ease the pain.
In a desperate attempt to get some sleep, I asked them if they could stay with me last night at my apartment. One of them came, the other one said it would be too difficult to bring over all his supplies to get ready in the morning, since he's more high maintenance. It was nice to have him in my apartment. It really made a huge difference. He came over pretty late, 11:30pm. I wasn't asleep yet, I can't sleep. We chatted for a while, until 1am. And we finally went to sleep. He slept in another room on the couch and I slept where I normally did, the futon in the livingroom.
It was so much easier sleeping with him there. But I was still a little afraid. I would hear noises, which would have freightened me beyond belief, but with him there, I was a little more brave. I was able to fall asleep and I woke up more well rested this morning. I woke him up and made him some breakfast. It was nothing fancy, just reheated up things my parents made. We got ready together and went to work.
I wonder how much longer I have to live like this. I fear asking him to spend the night again. But I really do think it helps with him over. Maybe he can just stay for the rest of this week?
Sunday, February 1, 2015
RIP John
It's been half a year since my last blog entry. And I regret to say my return to blogging is due to a major tragedy. Last Friday 1/30/15, my very close friend, John, committed suicide. He jumped in front of a big rig and by the time he was rushed to the hospital, he had been pronounced dead. At least that's what the newspapers say. I was there to witness it and I surely wasn't aware that he was that depressed. It happened around 8am on Friday. I was at work. He was pronounced dead by 9 or 10am (different sources gave different times). I was still at work. I'm trying to recall what I was doing at work around that time, but that's moot point I guess.
I drove home after work that day. Still blissfully unaware that this tragic event had taken place. It wasn't until early Saturday morning, I was awaken at 6am from a phone call. It was my co-worker. I was still dazed, half asleep as I answered. I heard her voice. It was shaky.
Co-worker: Hi, sorry to wake you, but I was just wondering if you had heard about John.
me: No...what happened?
co-worker: He committed suicide yesterday.
Those words echoed in my mind. I actually still replay my co-worker's exact voice, saying "committed suicide yesterday" over and over in my mind. It's surreal.
There's so many questions, "what?", "when?", "where?", "how?", and my biggest question: "WHY?!?!?!?!??!?!". What has happened? Where have I been?? How could I have let this happen?? Am I to blame for this?? Could I have prevented this?? When was the last time I saw him?? Why didn't he say goodbye to me?? Why didn't he say goodbye?? WHY DIDN'T HE SAY GOODBYE??
I couldn't believe it! I had to google the news myself! Link after link, I pulled up three different sources that confirmed the same thing. This awful truth. This nightmare. John really committed suicide. This is real. It's not a dream.
You know, you always hear about people that commit suicide or you see it on TV, or you see those suicide hotline signs when you drive on a bridge, but never would I have imagined that it would hit so close to home. My close friend, someone that I've gotten to know so well for the past year and a half.
My whole weekend was a daze, to be honest. After I heard about John, I called his sister and of course, she was hysterical. I had to many questions for her, but it felt so inappropriate to interrogate her when she was so grief stricken. I really had no idea what to say. In between her sobs I would just try to throw in a "I'm so sorry" but I was really trying to hold it together myself. After I hung up the phone with her, I surprisingly was able to compose myself and got straight to work.
You see, the reason I came home this weekend was to help my grandma figure out an insurance fiasco so she can go see a doctor about some back pain she's been experiencing. She somehow got switched out of her medicare and into some HMO which changed all her doctors, urgent care centers and ER's she's able to go to.
So I spent most of my Saturday morning calling medicare, then I called her current HMO and figured out a few urgent care centers that are covered. I ate a quick breakfast and whisked my grandma off to an urgent care center. After >3hours of waiting/examining, she was diagnosed with a pinched sciatic nerve. I filled her prescriptions, got her home, cooked her some food, fed her some meds, and she felt better and slept like a baby the rest of the day.
I kept myself busy for the whole first half of Saturday, so I wouldn't have down time to think about John. But when my grandma went to bed, my parents were both at work, I had the house all to myself and that's when it started to hit me. John's gone, he committed suicide. He was THAT depressed. And I missed it? Or did I? Did I see signs but just didn't help him? Could I have helped him? Again, so many questions. I broke down for a little bit, but it didn't last long. My emotions came in waves.
It really helped talking to some friends about it and just getting it off my chest. I want to tell more people that knew him about what has happened, but I'm not sure if that's in my place. Do I want to be the bearer of bad news?
Saturday ended with me sleeping early. Sunday came around and again, it was a daze. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to be reacting. Should I grieve? If so, should I be crying the whole day? Am I really grieving if I'm not crying? If I cry do people think I'm weak? If I don't cry, do people think I'm cold?
I had to drive back to this place of tragedy, John's final resting place. I had 2.5 hours of alone time in the car during my long drive back. Normally, it's very difficult for me to stay awake, but that wasn't the case this time. My roller coaster of emotions kept me wide awake. There would be periods of the drive where I would break down and cry, then there would be periods where I would be ok, then periods of crying and then I'd be ok. John was on my mind the whole drive. I finally decided halfway there that I would drive straight to John's house, where his sister is still staying, and just check in on her. And that's exactly what I did.
Of course, it was a tear fest when I saw her. She helped answer a lot of questions I had. John had been depressed for >2 weeks now. He had been having health issues and he couldn't work anymore. He had to quit his job, and he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to be a doctor anymore. That was his passion, being a doctor and helping people. He was so depressed that he wouldn't be able to help people anymore that he stopped sleeping, he stopped eating, he barely talked, he was so sad. I heard from his sister that he just sat around for almost 2 weeks straight. The last few days before his suicide, he didn't sleep at all, he was up 24 hours straight. His sister tried to talk to him and would force feed him food, but he wouldn't talk and he barely ate, and he wouldn't sleep. That's her theory of why he killed himself, he just couldn't live with himself not being able to help others anymore.
His sister told me that I was very special to him. He would often talk about me, saying how pure of heart I was and what a nice person I am. She told me that he really does think of me as a half-daughter. He always enjoyed spending time with me. He didn't used to like watching movies/TV but he would rent movies just to watch them with me, he thought it was really special watching movies together with me. He enjoyed eating with me, if he had a choice, he would eat dinner with me every night. I was one of the reasons that he stayed here and one of the reasons he was happy here. She told me that he really valued my friendship.
Those words really brought tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I cried and cried with his sister, as expected. Although I don't really feel like I deserve such praise, I'm really honored to have made such a big difference in his life. I really truly am.
"You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person"
I drove home after work that day. Still blissfully unaware that this tragic event had taken place. It wasn't until early Saturday morning, I was awaken at 6am from a phone call. It was my co-worker. I was still dazed, half asleep as I answered. I heard her voice. It was shaky.
Co-worker: Hi, sorry to wake you, but I was just wondering if you had heard about John.
me: No...what happened?
co-worker: He committed suicide yesterday.
Those words echoed in my mind. I actually still replay my co-worker's exact voice, saying "committed suicide yesterday" over and over in my mind. It's surreal.
There's so many questions, "what?", "when?", "where?", "how?", and my biggest question: "WHY?!?!?!?!??!?!". What has happened? Where have I been?? How could I have let this happen?? Am I to blame for this?? Could I have prevented this?? When was the last time I saw him?? Why didn't he say goodbye to me?? Why didn't he say goodbye?? WHY DIDN'T HE SAY GOODBYE??
I couldn't believe it! I had to google the news myself! Link after link, I pulled up three different sources that confirmed the same thing. This awful truth. This nightmare. John really committed suicide. This is real. It's not a dream.
You know, you always hear about people that commit suicide or you see it on TV, or you see those suicide hotline signs when you drive on a bridge, but never would I have imagined that it would hit so close to home. My close friend, someone that I've gotten to know so well for the past year and a half.
My whole weekend was a daze, to be honest. After I heard about John, I called his sister and of course, she was hysterical. I had to many questions for her, but it felt so inappropriate to interrogate her when she was so grief stricken. I really had no idea what to say. In between her sobs I would just try to throw in a "I'm so sorry" but I was really trying to hold it together myself. After I hung up the phone with her, I surprisingly was able to compose myself and got straight to work.
You see, the reason I came home this weekend was to help my grandma figure out an insurance fiasco so she can go see a doctor about some back pain she's been experiencing. She somehow got switched out of her medicare and into some HMO which changed all her doctors, urgent care centers and ER's she's able to go to.
So I spent most of my Saturday morning calling medicare, then I called her current HMO and figured out a few urgent care centers that are covered. I ate a quick breakfast and whisked my grandma off to an urgent care center. After >3hours of waiting/examining, she was diagnosed with a pinched sciatic nerve. I filled her prescriptions, got her home, cooked her some food, fed her some meds, and she felt better and slept like a baby the rest of the day.
I kept myself busy for the whole first half of Saturday, so I wouldn't have down time to think about John. But when my grandma went to bed, my parents were both at work, I had the house all to myself and that's when it started to hit me. John's gone, he committed suicide. He was THAT depressed. And I missed it? Or did I? Did I see signs but just didn't help him? Could I have helped him? Again, so many questions. I broke down for a little bit, but it didn't last long. My emotions came in waves.
It really helped talking to some friends about it and just getting it off my chest. I want to tell more people that knew him about what has happened, but I'm not sure if that's in my place. Do I want to be the bearer of bad news?
Saturday ended with me sleeping early. Sunday came around and again, it was a daze. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to be reacting. Should I grieve? If so, should I be crying the whole day? Am I really grieving if I'm not crying? If I cry do people think I'm weak? If I don't cry, do people think I'm cold?
I had to drive back to this place of tragedy, John's final resting place. I had 2.5 hours of alone time in the car during my long drive back. Normally, it's very difficult for me to stay awake, but that wasn't the case this time. My roller coaster of emotions kept me wide awake. There would be periods of the drive where I would break down and cry, then there would be periods where I would be ok, then periods of crying and then I'd be ok. John was on my mind the whole drive. I finally decided halfway there that I would drive straight to John's house, where his sister is still staying, and just check in on her. And that's exactly what I did.
Of course, it was a tear fest when I saw her. She helped answer a lot of questions I had. John had been depressed for >2 weeks now. He had been having health issues and he couldn't work anymore. He had to quit his job, and he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to be a doctor anymore. That was his passion, being a doctor and helping people. He was so depressed that he wouldn't be able to help people anymore that he stopped sleeping, he stopped eating, he barely talked, he was so sad. I heard from his sister that he just sat around for almost 2 weeks straight. The last few days before his suicide, he didn't sleep at all, he was up 24 hours straight. His sister tried to talk to him and would force feed him food, but he wouldn't talk and he barely ate, and he wouldn't sleep. That's her theory of why he killed himself, he just couldn't live with himself not being able to help others anymore.
His sister told me that I was very special to him. He would often talk about me, saying how pure of heart I was and what a nice person I am. She told me that he really does think of me as a half-daughter. He always enjoyed spending time with me. He didn't used to like watching movies/TV but he would rent movies just to watch them with me, he thought it was really special watching movies together with me. He enjoyed eating with me, if he had a choice, he would eat dinner with me every night. I was one of the reasons that he stayed here and one of the reasons he was happy here. She told me that he really valued my friendship.
Those words really brought tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I cried and cried with his sister, as expected. Although I don't really feel like I deserve such praise, I'm really honored to have made such a big difference in his life. I really truly am.
"You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person"
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