Memories of John

I still remember the first time I met John. I was sitting at my desk at work and Dr. "Oregon" (she's the doctor that moved away to Oregon) walked John over to my desk to introduce us. Dr. Oregon went on to explain that John's the new doctor that we hired to work in the clinic and that he's looking for housing. I guess John had found a place to stay but it was in a very questionable area in town. There was a murder and a shooting a while back at those apartments (so I heard). So Dr. Oregon introduced us with the intention that I could tell John a little about the apartments I live in now, so maybe he can move out of his death zone and into my safe apartments. So we started talking and he grew more and more interested in my apartments. So at lunch time, I walked him over to our leasing office and got him signed up for a 6 month lease for a furnished apartment. He made a decision so quickly. But then again, anything is better than that shady area he was going to live at.

He was really happy I "helped" him find housing and he wanted to take me out to dinner to thank me. I really didn't do anything at all. I just walked him over the lease office and told him a little about the apartment. But that's how he always was. The smallest, most insignificant thing you do for him, he will treat it as if you smuggled him out of a concentration camp during the Holocaust and saved his life. So knowing me, I can't resist food, so we went out either that night or the night after for dinner at Olive Garden. That was the first meal we shared together.

He was all smiles the whole night. So excited about being in a new city, meeting new people, starting a new job, I guess. Or maybe he's just, in general, a very happy person. He learned about me and I learned about him. I found out why he moved here. He told me that his mother, father, and girlfriend all passed away within 1 year of each other and it just became too painful to live there anymore. He had to move away and start a new life. "Wow, that's terrible, I feel so bad for him" is what I remember thinking. That's really rough. Having both your parents and your potential significant other pass away so close to each other? Gosh, I think I would have lost it. I also found out that night his girlfriend passed away from lymphoma. That made me think of you. So when we were done eating, as he promised, he treated me. We wrapped up our conversation and went home. That was the very first meal we shared together. I can still remember where we were sitting in the restaurant and all his mannerisms. I remember thinking he had an interesting way of eating pasta. He would wrap as much pasta up in a fork as he could, put the pasta ball into his mouth, the rest of the loose pasta strands that hung down from his mouth, he slurped up the pasta and covered his mouth while he was doing it.

After he treated me to that Olive Garden dinner, which I was so thankful for, I was planning on treating him the next time we went out, if we ever did decide to go out again. But little did I know, this trend of him treating me out would continue for the rest of friendship. He was always so generous. I've never paid for a single meal when we dined out together. I got really close one time. He went to the restroom right when the bill came. I quickly pulled out my card and paid for the meal. When he came back and found out that I had paid already, he was shocked and adamant that I take the cash back. When I refused, he just left the cash on the table and started walking away. Which basically if I didn't take the money, then the waitresses would have had a HUGE tip. I guess I could have left the money on the table, but I took it with me and ran to catch up with John. I was surprised to find John so stubborn against letting me pay for any meals we shared together.

So after our first encounter and our meal we shared together, we gradually grew closer since we lived in the same apartment complex and worked in the same clinic. Very shortly, we were pretty much eating lunch and dinner together. Whether it be something he cooked or something that he would buy, he would feed me like I was his daughter. That's what he ended up calling me, "my half-daughter". That's sweet of him.

He really liked to walk. That was his form of exercise. He had neck pain and knee issues, so he really couldn't perform high impact activities. He would invite me to go walking with him from time to time. He found a park that had a long 1 mile track. I wouldn't believe him at first, so I went on google maps and I mapped it out. Then I told my fiance and he didn't believe me and he went on google map and mapped it out. It is indeed, a 1 mile track. It has gentle incline and declines and there's a big grass area in the middle of the track for picnics, BBQs, playgrounds, etc. He really really liked this park. It became his favorite really fast. He liked to watch the kids play and eat in the grassy area while he walked around the track.

He really likes kids. His eyes would light up every time he talked about kids or saw a child. I think you know how I feel about some babies...not all are cute. Well, he thought every child is beautiful, an amazing masterpiece, the ultimate symbol of love. He has such a kind and loving heart.

When John bought his house here, he was so excited. He really liked this place. He thinks that it's nice because it has a small town feel and it's quiet. It doesn't have the hustle and bustle feeling of a big city. He said he wants to eventually retire here. I guess in a sense, he did "retire" here. He was so happy about purchasing his new home, that he threw a party at work. He ordered a ton of pizza, bought a ton of chips, dips, drinks and treated everyone in the clinic to lunch. Because he was "hosting" the lunch, he barely ate. He just was pacing around making sure everyone got enough food.

I still remember helping him move. That weekend his sister came to help him. It was the first time I met her. In the short few months he'd been here, he sure accumulated a lot of stuff! Some of it he gave away to me, and most of it he would either trash or donate. I only helped him move mainly books and clothes. He was so thankful. He always gives and gives and rarely asks for anything in return. I really don't think he even asked me to help him move, I think he just told me he was moving and I volunteered. He was incredibly grateful. And I was happy I was finally able to do something for him, to thank him for always feeding me.

My fiance came to visit me here. I really wanted him to meet John. So the night we went out together for dinner we went to this Mexican restaurant and it was a huge fiasco because they wouldn't let us order anything we wanted. But when we finally found something to order, I really wanted my fiance to pay for him to thank him for all the meals he's paid for me. John's reasoning to always pay for me is because knows I have loans to pay back and he doesn't, so he wanted me to save my money to pay back my loans. So I thought he would accept my fiance paying for him since my fiance works and doesn't have any loans. But he insisted on paying for us, and it just made me feel even worse, because now he not only paid for me, but for my fiance too.

My mom, grandma, aunt and uncle came to visit me here too. I wanted them to meet John so we all went out to dinner together. And, of course, he paid for my whole family! I really thought I could pay for that meal, but no, he is just too generous. When my friends came to visit me (that's you) he invited us over to his house and fed us. Basically, it's always him being incredibly generous and me feeling forever grateful towards his kindness.

 I told John about how I was wearing my friend's old engagement ring from her failed marriage. I didn't want her to throw it away because it was white gold and it was really pretty...and it fit my finger. So I've been wearing it since I was undergrad. John convinced me to get rid of it because he thought it was giving me bad luck. I don't know if it's just coincidence, but shortly after I got rid of it, I got engaged. Kinda funny how that worked out huh? I really should thank John for making me get rid of the ring, because it's really moved my life along.

I watched the Imitation Game last night with my students. It's a really good and educational movie. But if you haven't seen it, it does mention suicide in the movie. That really struck a chord with me since John's incident. I used to just hear about suicide and it would be sad, but I didn't think too much of it. Now that it's happened to someone that I was so close to, it means so much more. To be in so much pain that you would want to end your own life, that really speaks volumes. I'm really trying to focus more on celebrating his life and less on how it ended. Maybe it's too soon, but it's still difficult for me to completely ignore how his life ended. His choice to end it sooner than God's plan. Well, maybe not "God" per say but a bigger being?

Sorry, this blog entry is just all over the place. I'm just thinking of random memories and jotting down all these random thoughts.

I have to accept he's gone now. It pains me that he won't be there at my wedding in Sept. He was so excited about it when I got engaged and he would always ask me about my wedding plans. He even told me one time "I don't care if it's in China, I will for sure come to your wedding!" He's also told me that he would for sure come visit me when I move away. These are all just blank promises now. It's really odd when someone passes away, I feel like it's a joke and they aren't really dead. I feel like he can just appear in front of me at any moment or call me on the phone and I'm going to meet up with him again and we are going to share more meals together. It hasn't clicked to me those things aren't going to happen anymore. Such an odd feeling to think someone is gone forever. Just like that, the last chapter of their book is closed.

I can think of a few songs that John has mentioned to me that he really likes. He likes that "Best day of my life song". I thought it was very uplifting and fun song. He really liked John Legend's "All of me" song. He first heard it when we went to a co-worker's daughter's wedding together. It was their first dance song. Very lovely song. He thought it was beautiful.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the desolant desert that brought about his demise. Would this have happened if he was in a busier city? Had more job opportunities? Had more friends/family around? Had more activities/hobbies to occupy his time? Well, considering I will never know the reason he took his life, I will never get these questions answered.

Dr. Oregon shared with me that there were people that tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and they survived. All the people that survived mentioned that they were really glad they hadn't died. They were really happy to have gotten a second chance. And almost all of them regreted it once they jumped, but obviously it was already too late to change their mind, they were about to hit the water. It makes me think of John. What was going on in his mind moments before he got hit by the big rig? Was it regret or relief that he's going to be at peace soon? If he survived, what would his thoughts have been? Would he be relieved he survived or would he try to takes his life again?

Always, I'm going to have so many qustions about John. But obviously, I'm never going to get an answer, so I should just stop asking them. I'm focusing on just acceptance and moving on. Acceptance...and moving on...