Grey's Anatomy on Gloomy Days

After a little while on hiatus, I guess I'm back again. There's been so many changes the last few months, it almost seems unreal. I moved to a different state to be closer to my fiance, I started new jobs, went on job interviews, living in a new home, getting to know new friends, going to Asia, suffering from jet lag after coming back from Asia, it's been an interesting ride so far.

On the topic of jet lag, I really thought I had beat it and here I am waking up at 2am. It's 6:30am right now as I'm blogging but this is after 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy and a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory. I thought I would be tired by now but I'm still wide awake. I've been eating every hour or so since I've been awake and I would go poke my fiance after ever mini meal to see if he's ready to wake up, but no such luck. My most recent wake up call at 6am didn't go so well. He pretty much yelled at me and threw me out of the bedroom. I deserve it, I have been pestering him every hour since 2am.

So that leaves me here. In the livingroom. I thought I could keep marathon-ing Grey's Anatomy/The Big Bang Theory or I could blog a little (and give you a little treat, since I know you like reading these blogs).

I had stopped watching Grey's Anatomy for months now. I thought the plot line was getting old and the characters were getting annoying. Meredith Grey, can she be more pushy, bossy, whiny and selfish? I don't know, I guess she can since the show is still going. So why did I start watching it again? I heard they killed off Patrick Dempsey's character, Derek Sheppard (sorry for the spoilers if you didn't know!), so I really wanted to see how they did it. How do you kill off a character that's almost/nearly the main character? Someone that's been on the show since the beginning? Meredith's other half? Her pillar? They already took away Cristina Yang (her bestie) and now her husband too?? Oh no, the humanity! Anyways, long story short, I watched the car crash that took Derek Sheppard's life away. And boy was it SAD! I forgot how every episode of Grey's Anatomy leaves me in shambles. The show, almost, always leaves me in tears. Very rarely do I walk away from a Grey's Anatomy episode unscathed.

So here I am, searching for the episode with Derek Sheppard's death...and of course, I find it. At first, it wasn't so bad. I went into the episode with no expectations. I felt like I had already removed myself away from any emotional attachment to any of the characters since I haven't keep watching for months now, but almost immediately, I'm sucked back into the show. All the emotions poured back into me. The gut wrenching scene, at the end of the episode, where Derek's in a coma and Meredith signs the papers to discontinue his life support, did a number on my emotions. I don't know if you watched it or not, but if you haven't watched it and plan on watching it, plan for a box of tissues! As the nurse turns off each instrument that is keeping Derek alive, there's all these flash backs to all the good times the couple has had together. All the "I love you's" they have shared. All the memories. It was too much. I mean, I haven't even followed Grey's Anatomy from the beginning but I was emotional beyond belief! I was seriously probably crying for a good 20mins after the episode ended. And after I was done crying, I went and told my fiance about the episode (all I did was describe it) and I started crying all over again. It was just too much!

I think what really appeals to my emotions is not that I'm really attached to Derek's character. I mean, he's just a fictional character on a fictional TV show. I think what really got my water works going was imagining that I was in Meredith's shoes. What if I was the one next to my husband and watching the nurse turn off each monitor, each instrument that was keeping my husband alive? How would I feel? Gosh, as I'm thinking about it now, there are tears brimming on in my eyes. But not just my husband, what if it was my dad or my mom or my brother or grandma or friend or anyone else I care about? I don't think I would be able to keep myself together.

You know how you always watch TV and there are those people that faint when they hear really shocking news? I've always thought, "how can someone faint to shocking news?" "how can you seriously be so grief stricken or over taken by your emotions that you would faint?"...but now that I think about it, from how I react to fictional deaths on mere TV shows, I'm predicting that I would probably be a fainter too. If not a fainter, at least one of those totally CRAZY wrecks that run around screaming and crying, uncontrollably. I'd probably need some sort of medical sedation just to calm me down.

So back to Grey's Anatomy...so just like that, I think I'm sucked back into the show now. I was so inspired by those brief flashbacks that I wanted to know how Meredith and Derek's relationship began. So I referred to good old Netflex. Yes, this is where I have been watching the show from the very beginning, season 1, episode 1. So I guess Derek and Meredith have been together since the very beginning. In fact, the very beginning scene of the whole series starts with them waking up from a one night stand together. Like I said, just like that, the writers decided to kill off such a vital and veteran character on the show. But I guess that's how real life is too, you never know what's going to happen. Just like in real life, the main characters don't always live.

You know, this is exactly what watching Grey's Anatomy does to me. It makes me depressed and sad about life. And the gloomy skies here doesn't help with the somber emotional vibes I'm feeling. So this is exactly why after 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, I decided to switch to something more light hearted and happy, like The Big Bang Theory. I figured I haven't been watching it for months now too, there's many episodes to catch up on. I realized there are actually too many episodes to catch up on, I'm not even sure which episode I left off on. So now I'm searching for where I left off.

Why did I stop watching The Big Bang Theory? First, I think it's ridiculous that each of the leading characters get 1 million dollars PER EPISODE. Seriously?!?!? We have millions of dollars to pay actors for a 20 min episode on TV but we don't have money to end hunger, stop global warming and save the world of suffering and destruction?? Yes world, we have shown time and time again that we have great priorities in life. Any how, second reason I stopped watching The Big Bang Theory is because this is one of the shows that I used to watch with John at his house. Since his passing, it's been hard to pick up things that I used to do with him. From time to time, I still think about him, certain things remind me of him and I always stop to just rekindle that little memory I have of him and then try to move on. I thought I had gotten over it, I try to not bring it up, I try to not think about it, but as much as I try not to dwell on the fact that he's gone, it still stings every time a memory pops up. It's difficult to imagine someone being truly gone. One part of me understands that death is just a natural part of life and the other part of me will just never stop dwelling over the pain of a loss loved one. However will I manage to cope with more losses in life? I don't know. I don't know if I ever even want to find out.

My mom told me recently that my Dad has been getting these uncontrolled head "tremors". Don't know what they are, but it worries me. He has a doctor's appointment on Friday and my mom said she'll bring it up. Hopefully it's nothing serious. I remember looking at my Dad's palm and seeing that his life line is short, just like mine. My mom has a really long life line, so does both my grandmas. I remember that was around the time my Dad was diagnosed with diabetes. I mean, it makes sense right? Poorly controlled diabetes leads to complications which can shorten your life. Neuropathy is one of these complications and uncontrolled tremors sounds like a neuropathy issue.

So I've been calling my Dad after work, just having a casual conversation with him. I didn't realize how little I talk to my Dad. He's always been a man of few words. But it was still nice hearing his voice. He told me that there were these new restaurants that opened and he wants me to take me to them when I go back to visit. It's so like my Dad to always think of food. Like father, like daughter right? While I was talking to him, I broke down and started crying. I was silent about it, so I don't think he heard me. I was thinking "I have to remember this moment, I have to remember his voice, I have to remember my interactions with him, I have to remember this!" "What if something happens to him? What if they find something and he's diagnosed with something terrible? What if I loose him? What if this is the last time I get to talk to him?" I couldn't hold it together. I'm surprised my Dad didn't hear me or suspect anything fishy. I mean, completely stopped talking and was silent. Silently crying and sniffling. But I guess he was too distracted and busy telling me about the new restaurants to notice I was really quiet.

Now I just sit around and worry about losing my family and friends. I know, I sound crazy. I'm always been so obsessed with planning for the future, "what's my next step?" "how do I expedite this so I can do this as fast as possible and move on?" "what's my next move?" and I never live in the moment. I don't really think about what I'm doing now. I rarely slow down to "smell the flowers". Really take in what's around me and enjoy the here and now. And I think this is why I don't do it. When I slow down and I think about the moment I have right now, I almost always break down. I realize how precious life is, I realize how fragile life is. I realize how important my friends and family are to me and I get overwhelmingly worried someone I know and care about is going to drop dead on me. And then I just sit here and cry dreading the day that happens.

As I'm writing this blog I've been incessantly tearing, crying, breaking down, you name it. There here and now is scary. It's especially scary for me right now. This is the first time in my life that I have everything. I have a love life, a career, family, friends, a nice home, what more can I ask for? I almost feel like things are too perfect for me right now. It can't last this way forever. Something bad is going to happen. Something bad always happens. Perfection does not last. Am I just a masochist (seeking suffering) or do I just have an apocalyptic/fatalistic view of my life?