Music - Mood Altering

Music - Mood Altering
I thought there were tons of studies that prove that music helps elevate your mood and de-stress you...I've been listening to Pandora for 1 week straight now and all I've gotten out of it is a cloud of somber. Why is that?!? Well, to be honest, I think all the songs Pandora keeps playing are SUPER slow, sad songs. This is what I get for setting my channel on Christina Perri!

I don't know if I just take lyrics too seriously or I just pay way more attention than I should to them, but I get really emotionally immersed into meaningful lyrics and when they are accompanied by a slow melody...BAM! I'm suddenly so sad! I get so lost in my thoughts and I'm expecting some sort of magical epiphany to happen to me and all my problems to be solved. Is this just me or does this happen to other people too?? Am I just "special"??

Recent extroversion? 
I'm not sure if I just made up "extroversion" but I'm aiming for the root word "extrovert" just in case there's any confusion here. I've always seen myself as a shy introvert. But when I tell most people this, they seem to disagree with me. Everyone thinks I'm some sort of talkative extrovert. Ok...so talkative I see, but I'm definitely not an extrovert! And just to be perfectly clear, I'm only talkative with people I am comfortable/familiar with. I'm actually very shy in large, unfamiliar groups.

So this brings to my next point, I've recently developed this need to "hang out" with people. Is that weird? Yes, for me it is! I've always been that girl that ducks past the social groups and rushes home to gorge on food while watching a TV show on my computer. Whose this new girl I've suddenly become where I'm actually arranging social gatherings with my co-residents and always yearning to be "hanging out" with someone. Seems weird to me that I dread going back to my studio and spending a quiet evening by myself when I used to LOVE doing that. What's going on with me??

The Dating Game
"Does he like me?"
"Why are they not contacting me?"
"Should I contact him?"
"Is he interested?"
"Is he seeing other people?"
"Am I being too clingy?"
"Am I being too forward?"
"Should I play it cool?"
"Do I seem disinterested now?"

**This is just a SMALL glimpse into my thoughts as I engage in "The Dating Game"...yes, it's insane isn't it? I think it's crazy too but I can't turn it off! I'm almost at a point where I feel like my life would be so much happier if I just never got married and went about my merry way by myself!

I can't believe there are people out there that like to "play the field" and date a ton of people. It's just utterly exhausting to search for a mate! I don't know how anyone manages to find their significant other in this world without stressing themselves into developing a stomach ulcer!

I feel AWFUL when I turn down guys that actually express interest in me...maybe I am too nice and care too much??

I feel EVEN WORSE when I'm waiting for a romantic feelings to be reciprocated!! Arg, this whole thing is just too frustrating! My feelings are way too dependent on seemingly insignificant salutations like "hey" from some guy I'm mildly interested in.

Ok...enough ranting, back to listening to sad sad sad pandora music.

Ukulele

I have no idea why my brother purchased a Ukulele online but when I found it this weekend I really wanted to learn how to play it and this is what I learned how to play! Enjoy!

This has been a fruitful weekend now that I can play this song on the Ukulele :)

Still the "Happiest Place on Earth!"

Still the "Happiest Place on Earth"

That's right, it's DISNEYLAND (and California Adventures)! 

I went to Disneyland and California Adventures with an old friend (haven't seen her in ~5yrs!) yesterday and they don't lie when they say  it's the "Happiest Place on Earth!" 

The last time I went to Disneyland was probably about 7 years ago. I went with a group of undergrad friends that didn't make it very fun. In short, they pretty much ruined Disneyland for me. I think after that tainted memory of Disneyland I wasn't very inclined to go back. But since I was invited this weekend to go again, and it's been so long, I decided venture out of my small social circle and give it another shot. And I'm truly glad I did! 

Disneyland: 

Hasn't changed much since the last time I've been there. And honestly, I think that's why I like it. It's nice to walk down main street just the way I remembered it as a child. It's nice to be able to go to Adventure Land, Frontier Land and Tomorrow Land without referring to a map. I know where everything is and that's how I like it. My friend and I enjoyed a really nice BBQ buffet dinner at Frontier land! And then afterwards we stayed for the fireworks which was fantastic! I forgot how much I think fireworks are just so magical! It's very nostalgic to me and brings back a lot of good childhood memories. Good old classic Disneyland. 

California Adventures: 

Haven't been here since it first opened back when I was in Highschool, so let's not count all the years and just say it's been a LONG time. They've added so many things since the last time I was here and I'm really glad I got to experience it all! The new Cars Land was amazing! I loved the Cars ride! I finally got to ride "California Screamin'"! It was really fun! I think it goes from zero to what feels like 100mph in like 5 secs! Last time I went on the moving ferris wheel I nearly pee'd in my pants, but I was able to actually enjoy it this time around and not be frightened out of my mind! When I rode the whitewater rafting ride I got soooo soaking wet, not to mentioned, a couple mouthfuls of that nasty rafting water that is hopefully heavily chlorinated and sanitized. I really enjoyed the Aladdin Musical, it reminds me of how much I love Disneyland classics! When I sat on the "Soaring Over California" ride it made me really miss SF when I saw that amazing view of the Golden Gate bridge. Ok...I said it, I miss SF! I hope you read this because I'm not saying it again. Haha. And most of all...The Colors of the World night show was AMAZING! It was really inspiring and uplifting! I've got to give it to you Disney, you sure know how to put on some high class entertainment! 

"Because I Said So"

My friend recommended this movie to me yesterday so because my biological clock woke me up at 6am today (even though I went to bed at 2am!), I decided to watch that movie this morning. So it's this sappy story about a mother/daughter relationship center around the daughter's (Mandy Moore) dating life. Yes, it smells like a romantic comedy and it surely did feel like one.  Gabriel Macht stars as one of Mandy Moore's suitors. He does an excellent job in this movie, as he does on Suits playing Harvey Spector. Ok, so long story short, I enjoyed this movie even with all its romantic comedy glory. I couldn't stand romantic comedies before, and now I can...could this mean that I am on the road to recovering from my last relationship that left me with open wounds and persistent bleeding? Maybe too soon to judge but I'll just take it as a good sign for now. 

 

Guilt: 

Guilt. Very much what I'm feeling right now for not going home this weekend. My grandma called me yesterday when I was at Disneyland inquiring about if I was planning on coming home this weekend and why I decided not to come home. She didn't give me a hard time, but I could tell she was very disappointed she's not going to see me this weekend. It makes me so sad to think about how she must have been longing for me to come home and see me but I squashed those hopes of hers. It really tugs at my heart strings when I think about how much she cares about me and how I don't always reciprocate it or show her that I care too. I really wish I could be a better granddaughter, a better daughter, a better niece, a better sister, a better cousin to everyone. I always say I'm so busy and I never have time, yet I have time to go to Disneyland or California Adventures or watch movies online...

Makes me sad I don't have my priorities straight sometimes. *sighs* 

Self Discoveries

Self Discoveries 

I recently went on a date and made this really shocking discovery about myself. It's not really that hard for me to talk about food or tell you what I like about food, but one topics that I don't really think about or explore as often, like "what type of guys I like" I guess I don't have as great as an understanding as I thought I did. So basically, I went into the date thinking:

These are characteristics I THINK like about guys:
- Funny/humorous
- Tall
- Slender/Lanky (like Joseph Gordon Levitt and Andrew Garfield)
- Charming/smooth talker
- Nice
- Outgoing
- Successful
- Athletic
- Charismatic
...and the list goes on but basically I'm describing everyone's generic dream guy. I mean, who wouldn't want someone with all these fantastic character traits? However, after my date with this guy, this is what I discovered

Theses are characteristics I ACTUALLY like about guys:  
- Awkward
- Nerdy
- Funny (at random times when they do decide to say something)
- Quiet
- Shy
- Tall (I think I'm set on this one)
...but you get where this list of character traits is going.....a total opposite of what I originally thought I would like!!

I'm actually really happy that I discovered this because I never knew this about myself. I'm excited that I can finally start looking for nerdy, shy, quiet guys to date, because apparently, for some strange odd reason, I like them. It puzzles me too but I am who I am... *shrugs*

Shy and socially awkward?......YES PLEASE! 

Needing a Dentist

That pretty much says it all. I've been eating candy and I think my cavity is telling me I have to go see the dentist. Good thing dental insurance kicked in :)

More babies!

It's true what people say, rabbits multiply like CRAZY! Another bunny just had more babies!!

Mostly ranting...

Where's a tornado when you need one? 

I'm not sure how it's possible that I've been myself for 26 years now and yet I still don't have a complete understanding of how I am and how I feel half the time.

You know when you go to job interviews and people ask you "so what do you like to do for fun? what are some of your hobbies? Tell me a little about yourself." Those are often the toughest questions for me to answer because I don't really know myself that well.

In a conversation with a friend about another friend, she said "she's insecure about herself right now because she's not at her ideal place in life right now." Ever since I've heard that it's been resonating in my head over and over and over again. It didn't mean very much to me in the beginning, nothing more than a mere reflection of a conversation I had with my friend. But the more it echoed in my head, the more it came apparent to me that it might represent me as well. And then BAM! It hit me.

I am very unhappy with where I am in life right now.

Just like following a bread trail left by Hansel and Gretel, here I am rehashing all the details which supports my conclusion that I'm unhappy with where I am in life right now. There were hints, I just apparently never paid any attention to them.

- I hate receiving wedding invitations. First reaction is always "awww" followed immediately by "geez, that's great for them. *rolls eyes*" (which is a horrible reaction by the way because I should feel nothing but happiness for others who have found the love of their life!)
- I hate attending weddings. I always tear up/cry when I see the father/daughter dance, the couple walking down the isle, the couple's first dance, etc etc, not because those are tears of joy for the couple, but more of tears of sadness that I might not ever have a chance to experience it.
- I hate it when friends being their significant others to gatherings. And of course it's not that I want my friend all to myself, it's more like I don't want to be the third wheel and watch them be all lovely dovey the whole time while I wallow with my own single self.
- I hate it when people talk about their significant other.
- I hate seeing engagement photos on facebook
- I hate even seeing happy couples or even people I don't know in a happy relationship.
- I hate PDA. God forbid if you show any signs of PDA in front of me, I'm seriously stabbing your faces (in my head!!) over and over and over again.

So I guess the most GLARING issue of all is, I'm still single!!! I was suppose to be married and with TWO kids by now. Yes, TWO. It's very much what I've planned all my life and what the pencil test (this test predicts the number and gender of your kids) has confirmed.

I don't know what I am doing with my life right now! I'm so frustrated with myself that I'm stuck in a rut. This whole messy, complicated "gray" area of a relationship I have with my ex is insane and highly unhealthy! It's like a HUGE nightmare! I am seriously stuck in a nightmare! But you know what the funniest thing is? Only I'm stuck in this nightmare, my ex is very much happy and content and very much  unbothered by all of "this." (Whatever "this" even is). Good! Good for him, I'm glad he's ok and at a happy place in his life now. *glares*

Ok, so you might be thinking, "it's only marriage and kids. That's not a huge part of your life, at least you have a career going for you." NO! Marriage/kids has always been my left leg and career has been my right leg. I'm missing one leg!!! I can't run very far with just one leg. I can't finish walking down the road of life supporting myself on just ONE leg!

What's going on Amiee? There are other people out there with REAL issues and here I am throwing a fit over being single at the age of 26. HA! What a laugh! My problems are so laughable. That's what it is...laughable. But you know, the real funny part of this whole crisis is that even if "Mr. Right" fell into my lap I wouldn't be able to recognize it because what's my core problem again? Oh yeah, I don't even know myself and what I like!!

Typical dating woes I've had:
Date #1: I like to break dance and rave
Me: Oh...that's nice...*thinks: hmmm...I don't know much about break dancing or raving...wait, do I even like those things??*

Date #2: So this was fun, did you want to go out again sometime?
Me: *thinks: was this fun? I don't know. Do I want to go out again? I have no idea...*

Date #3: I am a ########
Me: *thinks: Does a ####### make a lot of money? Do I wanna be married to a #######? Wait...does this make me a gold digger???*

There are many many more confusing conversations I have in head...ALL of which point to the fact that I am very much confused with who I am and what I like!!

Does everyone have these issues or is it just me? I don't know and I may not want to know. I think I'll just finish my residency here and then move far far away. Start a new life. I like Portland. Maybe I'll go there. I can make new friends and date new people and run away from all my problems here. Wait, who am I kidding, I don't wan to try and make new friends or meet new people. Forget it. WOW. There you go, this is exactly why I am still single. It's because I'm so anti-social.

I just really need a miracle. I just need a tornado to rip right through Southern California and then drop my perfect husband right into my lap. If a guy ever gets dropped right into my lap, I won't even question it. If he's religious, that's fine, I'm sure we'll make it work, like maybe we can go to Church only every other Sunday. If he's a communist, I'm sure that's fine, I was born in a communist country and was communist for a little part of my childhood. If he's a vegetarian, that's fine, I don't need protein or vitamin B12 to live. If he's only 100 pounds, that's fine, I'm sure I can protect him if anything happens to us. If he's 300 pounds, that's fine, there's room for me to gain some weight and not feel so bad about it. See, I've got all my bases covered. I'm all set. I'm giving the thumbs up. I'm ready for him. Any time now....


Curses for being the Oldest Child!
I've been buckling under the weight of the giant casket of responsibility my mom has placed on my shoulders for years now. I have my moments. I am able to handle more or less responsibility depending on how I'm feeling at times.

One time when I cracked, I ended up scolding my mom, saying "You don't help me with my problems and I don't expect you to help me with them. You only add to my problems and expect me to help you with yours. I don't mind helping you deal with paperwork, but you come to me for everything! Problems with my brother, problems with dad, problems with your sisters, problems with your life! I can't handle it, I have my own problems to deal with!"

I've always regretted saying those mean, hurtful things to her but at the same time, I thought it needed to be said. She needs to understand how I am feeling and how much pressure she is putting on me. But it doesn't matter, because she seems to have short term memory loss when it comes to me expressing my feelings. When the dust settles, all she remembers is that I am temperamental and scold at her from time to time. But she never remembers what I say to her or how I feel.

I am at a loss for how I can bridge the communication gap between my mother and I. She never seems to see things the way I see. She doesn't understand what her words sound like to me. This conversation was just from the other day:

Me: I took Oscar shopping today and bought him some stuff
Mom: Did you pay for it with your money?
Me: Yes
Mom: Oh, that's so nice! Oscar, you should hope and pray that your sister always stays in good health so she can work and make more money so she can buy you more things!

I sure feel loved........

Curses being the oldest child!