Mostly ranting...

Where's a tornado when you need one? 

I'm not sure how it's possible that I've been myself for 26 years now and yet I still don't have a complete understanding of how I am and how I feel half the time.

You know when you go to job interviews and people ask you "so what do you like to do for fun? what are some of your hobbies? Tell me a little about yourself." Those are often the toughest questions for me to answer because I don't really know myself that well.

In a conversation with a friend about another friend, she said "she's insecure about herself right now because she's not at her ideal place in life right now." Ever since I've heard that it's been resonating in my head over and over and over again. It didn't mean very much to me in the beginning, nothing more than a mere reflection of a conversation I had with my friend. But the more it echoed in my head, the more it came apparent to me that it might represent me as well. And then BAM! It hit me.

I am very unhappy with where I am in life right now.

Just like following a bread trail left by Hansel and Gretel, here I am rehashing all the details which supports my conclusion that I'm unhappy with where I am in life right now. There were hints, I just apparently never paid any attention to them.

- I hate receiving wedding invitations. First reaction is always "awww" followed immediately by "geez, that's great for them. *rolls eyes*" (which is a horrible reaction by the way because I should feel nothing but happiness for others who have found the love of their life!)
- I hate attending weddings. I always tear up/cry when I see the father/daughter dance, the couple walking down the isle, the couple's first dance, etc etc, not because those are tears of joy for the couple, but more of tears of sadness that I might not ever have a chance to experience it.
- I hate it when friends being their significant others to gatherings. And of course it's not that I want my friend all to myself, it's more like I don't want to be the third wheel and watch them be all lovely dovey the whole time while I wallow with my own single self.
- I hate it when people talk about their significant other.
- I hate seeing engagement photos on facebook
- I hate even seeing happy couples or even people I don't know in a happy relationship.
- I hate PDA. God forbid if you show any signs of PDA in front of me, I'm seriously stabbing your faces (in my head!!) over and over and over again.

So I guess the most GLARING issue of all is, I'm still single!!! I was suppose to be married and with TWO kids by now. Yes, TWO. It's very much what I've planned all my life and what the pencil test (this test predicts the number and gender of your kids) has confirmed.

I don't know what I am doing with my life right now! I'm so frustrated with myself that I'm stuck in a rut. This whole messy, complicated "gray" area of a relationship I have with my ex is insane and highly unhealthy! It's like a HUGE nightmare! I am seriously stuck in a nightmare! But you know what the funniest thing is? Only I'm stuck in this nightmare, my ex is very much happy and content and very much  unbothered by all of "this." (Whatever "this" even is). Good! Good for him, I'm glad he's ok and at a happy place in his life now. *glares*

Ok, so you might be thinking, "it's only marriage and kids. That's not a huge part of your life, at least you have a career going for you." NO! Marriage/kids has always been my left leg and career has been my right leg. I'm missing one leg!!! I can't run very far with just one leg. I can't finish walking down the road of life supporting myself on just ONE leg!

What's going on Amiee? There are other people out there with REAL issues and here I am throwing a fit over being single at the age of 26. HA! What a laugh! My problems are so laughable. That's what it is...laughable. But you know, the real funny part of this whole crisis is that even if "Mr. Right" fell into my lap I wouldn't be able to recognize it because what's my core problem again? Oh yeah, I don't even know myself and what I like!!

Typical dating woes I've had:
Date #1: I like to break dance and rave
Me: Oh...that's nice...*thinks: hmmm...I don't know much about break dancing or raving...wait, do I even like those things??*

Date #2: So this was fun, did you want to go out again sometime?
Me: *thinks: was this fun? I don't know. Do I want to go out again? I have no idea...*

Date #3: I am a ########
Me: *thinks: Does a ####### make a lot of money? Do I wanna be married to a #######? Wait...does this make me a gold digger???*

There are many many more confusing conversations I have in head...ALL of which point to the fact that I am very much confused with who I am and what I like!!

Does everyone have these issues or is it just me? I don't know and I may not want to know. I think I'll just finish my residency here and then move far far away. Start a new life. I like Portland. Maybe I'll go there. I can make new friends and date new people and run away from all my problems here. Wait, who am I kidding, I don't wan to try and make new friends or meet new people. Forget it. WOW. There you go, this is exactly why I am still single. It's because I'm so anti-social.

I just really need a miracle. I just need a tornado to rip right through Southern California and then drop my perfect husband right into my lap. If a guy ever gets dropped right into my lap, I won't even question it. If he's religious, that's fine, I'm sure we'll make it work, like maybe we can go to Church only every other Sunday. If he's a communist, I'm sure that's fine, I was born in a communist country and was communist for a little part of my childhood. If he's a vegetarian, that's fine, I don't need protein or vitamin B12 to live. If he's only 100 pounds, that's fine, I'm sure I can protect him if anything happens to us. If he's 300 pounds, that's fine, there's room for me to gain some weight and not feel so bad about it. See, I've got all my bases covered. I'm all set. I'm giving the thumbs up. I'm ready for him. Any time now....


Curses for being the Oldest Child!
I've been buckling under the weight of the giant casket of responsibility my mom has placed on my shoulders for years now. I have my moments. I am able to handle more or less responsibility depending on how I'm feeling at times.

One time when I cracked, I ended up scolding my mom, saying "You don't help me with my problems and I don't expect you to help me with them. You only add to my problems and expect me to help you with yours. I don't mind helping you deal with paperwork, but you come to me for everything! Problems with my brother, problems with dad, problems with your sisters, problems with your life! I can't handle it, I have my own problems to deal with!"

I've always regretted saying those mean, hurtful things to her but at the same time, I thought it needed to be said. She needs to understand how I am feeling and how much pressure she is putting on me. But it doesn't matter, because she seems to have short term memory loss when it comes to me expressing my feelings. When the dust settles, all she remembers is that I am temperamental and scold at her from time to time. But she never remembers what I say to her or how I feel.

I am at a loss for how I can bridge the communication gap between my mother and I. She never seems to see things the way I see. She doesn't understand what her words sound like to me. This conversation was just from the other day:

Me: I took Oscar shopping today and bought him some stuff
Mom: Did you pay for it with your money?
Me: Yes
Mom: Oh, that's so nice! Oscar, you should hope and pray that your sister always stays in good health so she can work and make more money so she can buy you more things!

I sure feel loved........

Curses being the oldest child!