I'm awake

I can't believe it's 2:43am and I'm awake. I can't sleep. I'm very tired, but I can't sleep. Thoughts of me being a horrible person keep racing through my mind.

My behavior was very disappointing and I let people down yesterday, most importantly, I let myself down. I was so disappointed in myself, I was desperately seeking for support to ensure I wasn't completely a horrible person, but when I called my friend to plead my case, she confirmed everything I didn't want to hear. She confirmed the obvious truth that I did NOT handle the situation properly, I am a horrible person and I failed.

She was right. But it hurt so much to hear that. It felt like someone just jabbed a knife straight into my heart and then pushed it in deeper and twisted the knife for a final fatal blow.

It felt good to cry and just release my emotions.

Another friend called around 12 am and we chatted for 2 hours or so. His words were more supportive but it didn't help, I knew they were lies. It's not "ok". Things will not be "fine".

As much as the truth hurts, my first friend was right. I did disappoint everyone and I let everyone down. They have a right to be mad and I'm just going to have to face the consequences.

I don't feel well. Maybe I'm just too tired. Maybe I'm just really sad.

It's 2:58am. I can't believe I'm awake right now.