Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my Baby Brother today! I can't believe 20 years ago, today, he came into my life. I have been thinking a lot lately about my brother and how much I miss him. All those years of growing up together where I left him alone to go hang out with my friends and now it's my time to suffer. It's funny how life works out. When he was really fond of me and wanted to spend every waking moment with me, all I wanted to do was go spend time with my friends. And now that I've made my way back and want to spend time with him, all he wants to do is spend time with his friends. The irony. Or more like Karma. Label whatever you'd like, but that's how life is. It's kind of like that song, Cat's in the Cradle. Have you heard of that song? Here's the lyrics if you want to skim them in case you don't know the song:

My child arrived just the other day,
He came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay,
He learned to walk while I was away.
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew,
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, yeh,
I know I'm gonna be like you".

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and The Man In The Moon.
"When ya comin' home Dad?"
"I don't know when, we'll get together then, son,
Ya know we'll have a good time then".

Well my son turned 10 just the other day,
He said "Thanks for the ball Dad, come let's play.
Can ya teach me to throw?" I said
"Not today, I got a lot to do." He said "That's ok".
And then, he walked away but his smile never dimmed,
He said "I'm gonna be like him, yeh,
Ya know I'm gonna be like him".

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and The Man In The Moon.
"When ya comin' home Dad?"
"I don't know when, we'll get together then, son,
Ya know we'll have a good time then".

Well he came from college just the other day,
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son I'm proud of you, can ya sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
"What I'd really like Dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See ya later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and The Man In The Moon.
"When ya comin' home son?"
"I don't know when, we'll get together then, Dad,
Ya know we'll have a good time then".

Well I've long since retired, my son's moved away,
I called him up just the other day.
I said "I'd like to see you, if you don't mind."
He said "I'd love to Dad, if I can find the time.
You see my new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu,
But it's sure nice talking to you Dad,
It's been sure nice talking to you."
And as he hung up the phone it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like, my boy, was just like me.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and The Man In The Moon.
"When ya comin' home son?"
"I don't know when, we'll get together then, Dad,


So long story short, I can relate to this song. In this scenario, I'm the Dad and my brother is the son I guess. That might seem kinda weird, but I've always been more or less a mother figure to my brother, so this all makes sense. Well, I posted a facebook shoutout to him to wish him a happy birthday. I'm trying to reach out to him in little ways, hopefully he'll understand it and appreciate it.

I'm going to tell you this and you are going to think I'm crazy but I spent most of last Sunday crying. I was crying first because my mom was again asking/prying about my BF. Our plans, our plans, our plans, our plans...when we are going to get married, etc, etc, etc. Ugh. It's so frustrating. So the first half of the day was crying about that. The second half of the day was spent thinking about my brother and how sad this whole ironic situation is (how the tables have turned), and I went to old pictures of my brother and every time I saw a picture of us imbracing of him showing affection towards me I just bawled my eyes out. It was crazy. I can't explain it. I'm crying like he's dead or something. But I just have all these emotions of regret that I didn't cherish him more as a child and now it's too late because he's so all about his friends now.

In a sense, I want to stop this craziness, because I am really obsessing over this brother situation. But at the same time, I want to keep thinking about my brother because it takes my mind off of thinking about my BF. I don't want to keep thinking about how long it's going to take us to be together, physically and by law. If you catch my drift. I had a plan. I had a timeline of when I wanted to be married, have a child, buy a house, etc etc. I don't need my mom and grandma to be constantly on my back all the time, because I give myself a hard enough time about how I'm so many years behind my schedule. I think this situation is more upsetting than my brother's situation, so it's probably better I spend more time obsessing over my brother than my BF. Or maybe I should just learn to let things go and live life in the present and stop obsessing over things. If only it was so easy. If only I had a personality that allowed me to live a carefree life and let things go. I'm a dweller, it's what I do. I just dwell over things until I find something else to dwell over.

You know those WikiHow pages? I consulted one of those pages. The topic? "How to maintain a successful long distance relationship". I know. Pathetic right? It didn't really give me any real solid advice. Most of the advice was just like "trust them" and "don't smother them" and "don't interrogate them of where they have been or who they are hanging out with" and "you don't have to know where they are all the time" and blah blah blah. I basically violate ALL those rules BTW. I'm trying to convice my BF to download this app that allows me to track where he is all the time based on GPS through his phone. He refused of course. But he said that if I'm smart enough to figure out to steal his phone and figure out his passcode to get into his phone, I can am allowed to download the app without his consent. Considering I'm not a ninja or a computer hacker, I probably can't do either of those things. So that's just giving me false hope.

So apprently there is this girl that liked my BF last year, around the same time when we reconnected. She was calling him a lot, which is funny because he was trying to call me a lot. Haha. So he got fed up and just told her really bluntly one day "I don't like you, stop calling me, I don't want to talk to you anymore". HARSH right? OMG, I think if I were that girl, I would just DIE! So he told me that he said that to her, just very recently, and I told him that he needs to contact her and say he's sorry. He was hesitant and he thought about a few days and then he finally did it. He emailed her and she responded on gchat and forgave him. I feel really good about that. I feel like I did something nice for someone I don't even know and I probably made her day. It's like I just completed a circle of kindness. But now my BF is always joking round claiming that she wants to get back together with him and I just glare at him. But of course, this is on the phone, so it just comes out as silence as I glare into the phone, which is sort of useless.

So I'm starting to talk my ex BF more on gchat as well. You know last night he offered to pay half my airfare so I will go visit him? I didn't think too much about it but when I told my BF and he compared it to as if he invited a friend, that's a girl, up to visit him and he paid for half their air fare and then I realized, Yeah...that's not right. I should probably change my FB relationship status back to being "in a relationship" haha. It's probably misleading to have "single" on there.