It's my nightmare all over again!

Sorry our plans to visit each other are falling through. I will talk to my dad this weekend and get a better understanding about his work schedule.

I got in another fight with my BF last night. I know...another. This time it's about our distance apart. He's been bugging me pretty consistently about moving closer to him. I've agreed, but I've set a counter condition, "I will move to you if we are engaged or married". Knowing him, I should have known, but he said he's just not ready for marriage right now, and he's not really ready for an engagement either. So again, we run into our previous problems, he's just not committed to the level that I'm committed. How sad. I keep running into the same pothole and yet, I never learn.

I continued to explain to him that I don't mind moving to him, but I just want some sort of promise before I come that our relationship is solid. An engagement will give me that confidence. Assuming that things work out, then of course, it would be nice for me to move up and start a whole new life up there with him. But what if things don't work out. What if things fall apart like every other time we've tried to date each other? I quit my job and move across the U.S., and we break up, I'd have no job, no money, no insurance, no friends, no support, no place to stay, and a bunch of loans. That doesn't sound like a situation I want to be in. That just sounds plain scary. I'm not in college anymore, I'm not young and spontaneous, I'm mature (older) now. I need to plan and think things through. I can't just abandon everything and not have a back up plan. That's just irresponsible.

I tried to explain my side of the story to my BF but he seemed really defensive and angry. I felt like he didn't want to hear it and only wanted me to conceed to his desires for me to move up. I was a little angry about that, but more hurt than angry. I was so hurt that he wouldn't even stop to consider my situation. Don't get me wrong, I think it makes a lot more sense for me to move up there, I agree, and I'm willing to do it, but I just need a safety net. Is asking to be engaged too demanding of me? I mean, I am leaving everything I've established, everything I know to move over there to be with him. I just need to know it's for real, and I think an engagement would solidify that for me.

He then brought up how he's always hanging out with his friends and being a fifth wheel and how awkward that is for him. He really wants me to move up so he's not a fifth wheel anymore. Then it started to sound threatening when he said that he might start inviting another girl to come along, and if I let too much time pass then maybe he'll start falling for that girl and vise versa, then, it would ruin our relationship. And he talked about how as time passes, he might call me less and we'll talk less. Then we might get tired to travelling so far to see each other all the time. Which at that point, I interjected and said "I am the one that does all the travelling, so you mean I am going to get tired of travelling up there to see you??" He responded with "it's just annoying to see eachother for just a little bit ever so often".

I don't know what to do anymore. My nightmare is happening again! This whole issue of him not committing as much as I'm committed, it's HAPPENING AGAIN!!!!!! Maybe I should just cut my losses with him.

I told my HS friend about this and she agrees with me that he's being selfish and I should totally look out for my interests too.

I told this other guy that I knew in HS that I recently started talking to again, and he agrees with me too and he's a GUY!

I'm very frustrated. And of course, my Ex-BF always happens to gchat me after I've had a fight with my BF. And he's trying to convince me to get out of this relationship. Ugh. I'm lost. Does everyone else have this many problems with their relationships or is it just me???

JCrew

Going back to the doctor today, going to get results from my lab draw last week. I know it's bad news already, so I'm going in with low expectations lol. I already know a few bad things like my iron is low (again!) and my Vit D is low. But I think a few other things were concerning so that's why they wanted me back so soon! Yikes!

Thanks for looking up those JCrew things! That ulgy foral print shirt caught my attention, so I wanted to show you how ugly things are on there lol. I think he's looking for something nicer to wear to work but not too formal. Do you think those last two shirts are nice enough for work but not too formal? I've never been a huge flannel person but I guess that's what people wear nowadays. But I always think of loggers when I think flannel. Like that one logger on those papertowels. Let me know what you think, I don't think I have a budget, as long as it's not like $200 for ONE shirt then it's reasonable. The shirts you showed me were pretty reasonably priced. What do you think?

My head kind of hurts today. I've haven't really been feeling that good. It's always one thing or another. Either my stomach hurts or I have the runs, or BOTH, or my head hurts, or I feel nausea, or I have a headache....ugh, I hope I figure out what's wrong with me soon!

I had this patient yesterday that was acting SUPER weird, here's snit bits of our conversation:

Patient: Are my shoes pink?
Me: um...I think so?
P: They are orange.
Me: ok...
P: The girl that helped me pick these shoes out swears they are orange and not pink
Me: Ok....
P: But they look pink to me right now
Me: Ok....

Patient: Are you married?
Me: no
P: Do you have family here?
Me: no
P: so you are here by yourself?
Me: yes
P: Do you need a Gorilla?
Me: Excuse me??
P: Do you need a Gorilla?
Me: A gorilla?
P: Yeah, I can be your gorilla, I can protect you.
Me: ........?
P: Gorilla, someone to protect you.
Me: No thank you....

Patient: I do a lot of pot, I think it keeps me healthy
Me: *thinks: Wow, that explains a lot!

Haha

Survivor!

Surprise! I survived the night! It was crazy last night! I don't know why my doors and windows were rattling so much. I'd like to say it's because of the wind and maybe mild earthquakes but I really don't know. I was so scared that my door was going to fling open and someone was going to rush in and kill me. Or some ninjas were climbing up my balcony, breaking into my sliding doors and going to slice my throat. Or maybe someone was already hiding in my apartment and waiting for me to fall asleep so they can knife me! It's really scarry living here alone, especially when I have such an active imagination of all the things that could come and kill me.

I bought it!!! The gray purse and that baby blue wallet. Yes, I went for the baby blue one. I'm going to be different. I'm going to have accessories that are NOT black. This is a very bold move for me, but I think I'm getting older, more mature, so I should spice it up a bit. I'm always hobo looking, it's time to change the image. To be honest, I'm probably still going to be hobo looking but just with nicer handbags/wallets now lol. BTW, thanks for talking me through the purchase last night. You were a really big help :) I think there's a semi-annual sale at Nordstrom right now.

Well, let me clarify, I didn't buy the items, actually, my BF did. I spent so long thinking and guilting myself out of the purchase and wavering back and furth, he decided to get it for me. He said it'll be for our anniversay gift. Our 1 year is coming up soon! Since he did such a nice gesture, I think I'm going to have to spill some major dough to get him a nice gift for our anniversay too. He keeps saying that he wants a J Crew shirt, so maybe I'll splurge on one of those. None of the styles really look all that great to me, but he swears the material is really nice...so eh...I'll just have to believe him I guess. I mean, look at this....




Who in the right mind is going to wear this floral print shirt?? Maybe Cam on Modern family...but Byron...no. Well, I think he's looking for a long sleeve shirt, I don't know. I'll think about it later.

So when I browsed the website, I found out that there was a wedding section. I found this dress, I like it!!



I like the top but I'm not that much into the bottom. I think I would do a puffy/princess skirt on the bottom, but I like how the top is cropped. I think it's more conservative than a tube top, but not too conservative. What do you think? Well, anyways,, I'm totally side tracking from looking for a nice anniversary gift for my BF haha

I can't believe my students are coming next week. Seems like it was just yesterday that I was complaining about how far the date seemed to be away, and now it's really quickly approaching. Crazy! I'm really excited but at the same time, I'm scared. I'm afraid I won't be able to teach them anything and hinder their learning. Guess I'll just have to tighten up my clinican skills and knowledge and do my best to teach them everything I know.

Heart Broken

Sorry again for being so MIA. I have been busy...you might ask what, but I can't really answer you. My days always just seem to slip away so quickly. I don't think I'm doing anyting in particular, but a little time working on this and that and then your day is gone. Well, I'm predominately at work most of the day, so that's a huge time killer right there.

How have you been? It seems like you have been more active and going out more. I bet you are going out more than I am! Haha.

I had this fight with my BF two nights ago. I ended up crying for an hour after we hung up. I know what you are thinking..."again?"  Yes...again. We had a fight again.

It all started when I was talking about my brother. Now, anyone that knows the story between my brother and I knows that we were best buddies and SUPER close. It makes me really sad to know that we aren't that way anymore. So of course, from time to time, I'll just talk to my BF about how much I miss my brother and how I wish we were close again. I even talk about how mean he is to me now and how he seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me. He never returns my calls or responds to my messages, and even when I somehow find a way to reach him, he doesn't sound like he wants to talk to me. When we do talk, all he does is yell at me and criticize me. The most recent example I can think of is when we were talking about this Thai place that we ate at. My brother, apparently, really likes that place. But when he brought my mom and I, we didn't really have a good experience because the waitress was really mean to us. She took down our order incorrectly and when we told her, she gritted her teeth and argued that we told her the order wrong. This isn't just me, my mom felt the exact same way. So when we talked about that Thai place, I started mentioning how the waitress was mean. My brother started to immediately attack me. "She's actually a really nice person, YOU were the one that was mean to HER! You don't know when you are mean to people, you always have this terrible attitude, you should be more aware of how you act and treat others!" I was shocked that he said that to me. So I began to doubt myself and I asked my mom about how I treated the waitress and my mom said I was nice and the waitress was the one that was mean to us. Just exactly how I felt. But for some reason, my brother decided to use this to attack me. This isn't the first time. He always turns the situation around and makes me the bad person. I probably shouldn't have done this but I began to ask him more questions about how I was the mean person and he got so upset that he started YELLING in the middle of Ranch 99. Everyone turned around and started looking at us. It was so embarrassing. To be honest, I was so embarrassed I don't even know what my brother was yelling about. I just really wanted him to calm down. So I just walked away and he chased after me and said that I was the one throwing a fit and I was the one that was mad. OMG. It was a disaster!

There was another time we were in the car and I just really want to reconnect with him, so I started to ask him about his life.

me: So how's everything going?
brother: good
me: So how's school?
brother: good
me: Are you working on any projects?
brother: yes
me: what projects?
brother: stuff
me: what's going on with your friends?
brother: nothing *sounding irritated
me: you seem irritated, are you ok?
brother: I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS! YOU KNOW I HATE ANSWERING A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS!
me: I'm sorry, I just wanted to learn more about you and connect with you again...I'm really sorry...I just don't know what's going on with you anymore! We don't even talk, maybe if you didn't answer me in one word answers then I wouldn't have to ask you so many questions!
brother: I HATE ANSWERING QUESTIONS, JUST STOP.

I swear my heart just shattered in a million pieces. Even as I writing about it right now, I'm reliving that memory and tears are brimming in my eyes. I run these memories over and over, again and again, through my mind and all I can ask myself is "how did things get this way?" "why does he hate me so much?" "what have I done wrong?"

Anyways...so back to my BF....so I basically shared this with him and he got super irritated with me. He yelled at me and said "Your brother just doesn't want to talk to you anymore! Just get over it! There isn't anything you can do! Why are you complaining about this? Just stop talking to him, it's not a big deal. Why do you have to complain for like 15mins about this? Five mins, maybe, but 15 is too long! I solve problems all day long at work, I don't want to come home and solve more of your petty problems (he might not have used "petty" but it's something along those lines). You are a big girl now, you don't have to come to me for advise on all your little problems. You should solve your own problems. It's ok if you come to me for your BIG problems, but half the time, you don't even take my advise. It's like you just talk to hear yourself talk or something."

So somewhere in between all that ranting, I was about to burst into tears so I just said I was tired and hung up. Then I cried for an hour until I fell asleep on my pillow. I don't know if I was crying about my brother or if I was crying about my BF. I don't know, am I crazy? Am I just too emotional?

 He called me yesterday and apologized. I just said "thanks" and hung up again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm really hurt by what he said. I'm really hurt by how my brother is treating me. I can't quite get over it.

I talked to my HS friend about it, on gchat, and she says she understands. She knew about how close I was to my brother and she thinks that my response is appropriate. She thinks that my BF should be more considerate of how I'm feeling. But then again, she's my friend, so she's suppose to be on my side right?

I don't know, what do you think?

Airports in the Middle of No Where

I drove John to the airport this morning because he's going to Canada to visit his family for a few days and there was NO ONE. It's seriously the most dead airport I've ever been to. We were the only people there, there were two other cabs there, but there were no passengers. OMG, it's so pathetic. This is when I have to admit that I live in the middle of NO WHERE. Well, at least there is an airport here. It could be worse, it could be like before during rotations where I was stuck in cities without airports and nearest city is really far away.

There's a potluck at work today. As per your recommendations, I just cut up some fruit and brought my juice. I ate very little this morning for breakfast thinking that I would just eat some stuff from the potluck, but I just realized, I'm very overbooked and busy this morning, so I probably won't have time to participate. I probably won't get to eat anything until Lunch time, if there is still food left over. I should have eatten a bigger breakfast.

My BF called me last night and it was a terrible conversation. You know it's not going to be a good convo when your BF starts the convo out by saying "I'm mad at you, do you even know why?" Ugh. I spent most of the 20mins that we were on the phone last night just trying to figure out WHY he was mad at me. Since you are his other half, can you figure out why? The answer was: Because I got mad at him. Ugh. Lame! Anyways, after he revealed that, he just hung up and ended the conversation. What lame convos we have been having lately. -_-

I don't know if I should drive home or not this weekend. I'm leaning towards no but it's Mother's Day. I don't know, I'm really tired. I feel like it's almost not worth it to go home this weekend since I was just there and we already went out for Mother's Day. I think I'm just going to send my mom a card, which she prob won't get until next week. Haha.

So my friend has diagnosed me with a UTI. I'm not sure I really have one but I'm starting to think I do. I might have a few things going on because she said a few of the symptoms don't line up. I don't even have a doctor or have time to go see a doctor. I don't know why, I've been here for >6 months and I still feel like I don't really live here. I don't feel like I have doctors or a good health network support here. I'm glad I'm "young" because if I were older and something was wrong with me, I wouldn't know where to go to get health care. Not to mention, I have the weirdest insurance. This is what happens when you live in the middle of NO WHERE! Why did I think this was a good idea to move here? I don't know. I guess if I'm healthy and nothing is wrong with me, then this place isn't bad. But if I'm not healthy and I need some medical attention, this is not a great place to be for that.

Birthday 2014

Finally! I found some time to blog! I'm sorry I have been neglecting my blog! I just can't find time to write in this thing! I've finally reached this point in my life where I'm so busy I don't have time to spare for extraneous hobbies. I have to make hobby choices. Haha.

So I'm sure you are wondering how this weekend went. I already went into the weekend very grateful so even if nothing happened, I would have still been very happy.

I went home on Friday and we were suppose to go out to dinner for my birthday but I found that no one was dressed when I got home. Everyone was in their PJ's, so I thought we weren't going out for dinner, but then I found out they were just waiting for my brother to get home. So I was excited that my brother was coming home to celebrate with me. I really thought he had forgotten. I mean, come on, no phone call, no text, no fb message, nothing! So why would I even think my brother remembered? But I was very happy to hear that he is did remember and was coming home. So ending up, he came home really late, and we didn't go eat until 8ish? Or maybe even AFTER that. But he came with some baked goods, which were my birthday gift I guess. He had a few small mousse cakes, which looked really pretty! I didn't get to eat them because we ate dinner, and then when I got home, I passed out because I was so tired. Then the next morning I had to wake up early to get on my plane, so I didn't even get to eat them :(

So my dad carved out this really nice looking fruit bowl. He used a honey dew melon and put grapes, blueberries and strawberries inside. It was really really pretty and really nice, but I only got to eat like a little bit of it, because again, time crunch, didn't have time to enjoy everything. But I was very touched that my parents and brother thought of me and made the effort to make me feel special.

So I think a little of my birthday was overshadowed by how my mom fainted and fell when she was hiking. So largely, most of our conversation was about how my mom should probably go see Urgent Care or Emergency Room so she can make sure she wasn't internally bleeding, especially in her BRAIN! But after talking to her, I ruled out any brain bleeds, so it was ok. But she did have a really bad rib ache, which I was thinking she might have broken a rib...but she refused to go to the ER, what can we do?

So I was shipped off to my BF early Saturday morning. I actually ended up talking to these people on the plane. The first plane stopped at Sacramento, where I talked to this one lady, she's a nurse, from my hometown and she was very nice. Going to visit her daughter who went to UC Davis. The second half of the ride, I talked to this guy that was a hairdresser and he travels for work. He must work for some hot shot people or celebrities, if he gets flown around the world to do hair! Really interesting guy. He wore a hipster hat and had a big tattoo along his leg.

So when I got there on Saturday, I met up with "Aaron" and his fiance. Shoot, I forgot what name I made up for him, but you know who I'm talking about. We had dim sum and it was nice catching up with them. SHE HAS THE BIGGEST ROCK FOR HER ENGAGEMENT RING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! I don't know if it's her small hand or if it's just REALLY big, but WOW. You can't miss it!

Then we went to the farmer's market, that really big one in the middle of that college. We didn't buy anything but it's always nice to just walk around and try stuff. I don't really remember us doing anything else the rest of the day. I think I tried to learn how to play a song on my BF's guitar...I really suck at it. I can't believe people say playing the guitar is easy. It's SO HARD! So I just learned the first two lines of "Fools Rush In" By Elvis. I'll work on the rest next time I'm up there. LoL. That amazingly took most of the day. We had dinner reservations at this Tapas/Paella place. It was really good!

Sunday...hmmm...I swear we just sat around. LoL. I think I just played the guitar more. Gosh, I really don't remember doing very much. We went to this breakfast place, it was ok. Then we didn't do very much, I think I was playing the guitar again. Maybe read a little bit. Then dinner at this fancy French place, it was really expensive! Then Monday, my BF went to work, I just sat around, didn't do very much, I think I played the guitar again. Then went to lunch at this Yummy Korean place. Then at night we just ordered take out and had some crepes.

We watched The secret life of Walter Mitty somewhere in between all that sitting around. It was really good. We ended up watching it twice because we liked it so much. Oh, and we started to watch Spanglish, somewhere in between all that sitting around too! LoL. But I didn't finish it, it was a LONG movie.

So onto the presents. He got me a bracelet from Nordstrom. It's pretty nice. It's this bangle thing. He baked me a chocolate flourless cake. He cut out a stensil "Happy Birthday Amiee" on it and used powdered sugar to get those letters on the cake. He got these multicolored candles and sung me happy birthday when he took out the cake. That was nice. I think what I liked the most was this card he got me. It had two plump little birds on there, they were facing each other and there was this cupcake in between them. And it said "candlelit dinner" on the front. Inside it said Happy Birthday. What I really liked was his message inside:

"You are the bird with the pearls, I'm the bird with the bowtie. I like this card because I can image us being like that, not birds, but content and growing old together. I can tell the birds really love each other. And we can share a cake just like them!"

I'm probably butcher it, but you get the point. It made me cry. I really cried. It sounds lame, but I think I was just really touched. Either that or my birth control pills with all the hormones were getting to me. LoL.

Ok, I have to get going, but that's basically what happened with my weekend. I hope you had a good weekend!