Heart Broken

Sorry again for being so MIA. I have been busy...you might ask what, but I can't really answer you. My days always just seem to slip away so quickly. I don't think I'm doing anyting in particular, but a little time working on this and that and then your day is gone. Well, I'm predominately at work most of the day, so that's a huge time killer right there.

How have you been? It seems like you have been more active and going out more. I bet you are going out more than I am! Haha.

I had this fight with my BF two nights ago. I ended up crying for an hour after we hung up. I know what you are thinking..."again?"  Yes...again. We had a fight again.

It all started when I was talking about my brother. Now, anyone that knows the story between my brother and I knows that we were best buddies and SUPER close. It makes me really sad to know that we aren't that way anymore. So of course, from time to time, I'll just talk to my BF about how much I miss my brother and how I wish we were close again. I even talk about how mean he is to me now and how he seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me. He never returns my calls or responds to my messages, and even when I somehow find a way to reach him, he doesn't sound like he wants to talk to me. When we do talk, all he does is yell at me and criticize me. The most recent example I can think of is when we were talking about this Thai place that we ate at. My brother, apparently, really likes that place. But when he brought my mom and I, we didn't really have a good experience because the waitress was really mean to us. She took down our order incorrectly and when we told her, she gritted her teeth and argued that we told her the order wrong. This isn't just me, my mom felt the exact same way. So when we talked about that Thai place, I started mentioning how the waitress was mean. My brother started to immediately attack me. "She's actually a really nice person, YOU were the one that was mean to HER! You don't know when you are mean to people, you always have this terrible attitude, you should be more aware of how you act and treat others!" I was shocked that he said that to me. So I began to doubt myself and I asked my mom about how I treated the waitress and my mom said I was nice and the waitress was the one that was mean to us. Just exactly how I felt. But for some reason, my brother decided to use this to attack me. This isn't the first time. He always turns the situation around and makes me the bad person. I probably shouldn't have done this but I began to ask him more questions about how I was the mean person and he got so upset that he started YELLING in the middle of Ranch 99. Everyone turned around and started looking at us. It was so embarrassing. To be honest, I was so embarrassed I don't even know what my brother was yelling about. I just really wanted him to calm down. So I just walked away and he chased after me and said that I was the one throwing a fit and I was the one that was mad. OMG. It was a disaster!

There was another time we were in the car and I just really want to reconnect with him, so I started to ask him about his life.

me: So how's everything going?
brother: good
me: So how's school?
brother: good
me: Are you working on any projects?
brother: yes
me: what projects?
brother: stuff
me: what's going on with your friends?
brother: nothing *sounding irritated
me: you seem irritated, are you ok?
brother: I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS! YOU KNOW I HATE ANSWERING A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS!
me: I'm sorry, I just wanted to learn more about you and connect with you again...I'm really sorry...I just don't know what's going on with you anymore! We don't even talk, maybe if you didn't answer me in one word answers then I wouldn't have to ask you so many questions!
brother: I HATE ANSWERING QUESTIONS, JUST STOP.

I swear my heart just shattered in a million pieces. Even as I writing about it right now, I'm reliving that memory and tears are brimming in my eyes. I run these memories over and over, again and again, through my mind and all I can ask myself is "how did things get this way?" "why does he hate me so much?" "what have I done wrong?"

Anyways...so back to my BF....so I basically shared this with him and he got super irritated with me. He yelled at me and said "Your brother just doesn't want to talk to you anymore! Just get over it! There isn't anything you can do! Why are you complaining about this? Just stop talking to him, it's not a big deal. Why do you have to complain for like 15mins about this? Five mins, maybe, but 15 is too long! I solve problems all day long at work, I don't want to come home and solve more of your petty problems (he might not have used "petty" but it's something along those lines). You are a big girl now, you don't have to come to me for advise on all your little problems. You should solve your own problems. It's ok if you come to me for your BIG problems, but half the time, you don't even take my advise. It's like you just talk to hear yourself talk or something."

So somewhere in between all that ranting, I was about to burst into tears so I just said I was tired and hung up. Then I cried for an hour until I fell asleep on my pillow. I don't know if I was crying about my brother or if I was crying about my BF. I don't know, am I crazy? Am I just too emotional?

 He called me yesterday and apologized. I just said "thanks" and hung up again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm really hurt by what he said. I'm really hurt by how my brother is treating me. I can't quite get over it.

I talked to my HS friend about it, on gchat, and she says she understands. She knew about how close I was to my brother and she thinks that my response is appropriate. She thinks that my BF should be more considerate of how I'm feeling. But then again, she's my friend, so she's suppose to be on my side right?

I don't know, what do you think?