The Holidays

There is something about the holidays that make people nicer and more pleasant. That is to say...when they actually REMEMBER that "tis the season to be jolly"...otherwise everyone is just their same old ruthless selves that is often more than eager to cut you in line or mad dog you for standing in the middle of the grocery isle a little too long because you are trying to decide what type of cereal to purchase.

I'm sure you are all thinking that is is not the type of folks you find in LA. Because LA is filled with friendly and nice civilians that would be more than happy to open doors for you and let you cut in in front of them when you signal with your blinker that you need to merge lanes on the freeway.

What am I really saying here? PEOPLE OF LA: you drive like a police car that's trying to chase down some bank robbers! And is it really necessary to honk excessively?? IS it??

Ok, enough ranting about crazy Holiday LA drivers.........

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So I get this call from one of my best friends yesterday telling me that for my Christmas gift, she got me a profile on match.com. Yes, you read that right...she started a profile on a dating website for me. She found my picture on facebook, bam! It's also my picture on match.com now. She wrote my profile for me, bam! I'm suddenly 5'8" and a "lovable and funny" person now. I apparently also added a few guys to my "favorites" list already too. This was all very much just fun and games until I opened my email and found my inbox spammed with >20 messages from match.com! Between all the "likes" "winks" "favorites" "emails" and whatever else alerts are available through match.com......I think from yesterday to today I've received OVER 50 emails. This is CRAZY! It's become very much a second job to keep deleting these emails from my inbox.

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"You know what I've realized lately? I've gained some weight lately, and I think it's because I've been eating out with you and you eat a lot so it makes me feel like I need to eat a lot and now I'm gaining weight!"

This is exactly what a friend said to me today when I was eating dinner with him. Haha! Amateur foodie trying to reach my level......that's never going to happen, I've been training all my life to eat like the way I eat now.....he'll never be like me.....props to him for trying though. Haha.

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Ever since I've taken this private practice job in San Gabriel, I've been constantly cursed to return back to that plaza. Every time my parents take a trip to LA, I end up in that plaza. When my mom's friend invites me out to dinner, it's in that plaza. And even TODAY, when I didn't even expect to go back to there...I had to drive there unexpectedly after work to run an errand for my mom. I swear I'm cursed!

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I had lunch with my co-residents today and they confirmed a few things with me today:
1) I'm the loudest of them all (I was a little surprised about this one...)
2) I'm not shy (kinda surprised about this one...)
3) I eat the most of them all (not surprised at all...)

In my mind, I don't think I'm that loud...and I feel like I'm super shy! And to be honest, I don't think I eat the most...I think I just talk about it the most...I think one of my co-residents can give me a run for my money. She eats a lot too, but I don't know why no one talks about it...they just talk about ME eating a lot. *pouts*

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I got a NEW phone! The Galaxy S III and I got a DATA plan now! WOW! It's amazing! I'm finally catching up with technology. I'm probably honestly just going to use it to play WORDS WITH FRIENDS and obsessively check my email.......yup, really glad I'm spending that extra $60 a month for a data plan...seems like I'm going to really make it worth my while....

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I think we should all take a moment and thank our stars that the Mayans were wrong about the world ending and that we are all alive and doing well. I remember watching this documentary on the Mayan Calendar and how on Dec 21, 2012 is when the magnetic current of the world is suppose to shift/reverse and that might cause a ton of catastrophes. I was pretty worried for a while...I was considering calling everyone I cared about and telling them how much I love them...but then I realized I would look really stupid if nothing happened and no one died because I'm dumb enough to buy into the whole "end of the world" craziness. I still really wanted to do it, but I guess laziness and lack of time got the best of me. Anyways, I'm not sure if the magnetic current  of the world shift or reversed at all, but I'm really glad nothing bad happened to us. Long live Earth! Yay!

Worst Date Ever Part 2

Just when I think that my dates could not possibly get any worse.........I'm proven wrong...very very very WRONG.

I don't know how many times I'm going to claim this on my blog but...I JUST WENT ON THE WORST DATE EVER!!

I can't believe I'm saying this AGAIN!

I don't know where the problem is...am I too picky or is the quality of the guys I'm dating just plummeting??

I drove home tonight thinking that this is probably just the second worst date ever...but probably pretty close to the WORST..but THEN when I actually rehash all the details of the date, I realize, nope, it's pretty  much the worst date EVER.

I don't even know where to begin to rehash why this was the worst date ever. Oh my gosh...so many horrible details that I do not wish to recall!!

Let me just start by giving a small snit bit of our conversation:

*awkward silence, date just stares and smiles at me...
Me: So...................
*date stares, smiles
Me: SOOoooooo.............Do you have any siblings?
Date: Yes.  *stares, smiles
Me: ............older? younger?
Date: Older. *smiles
Me: ............................how many years older?
Date: A few. *smiles
Me: ..................??
Date: *smiles
Me:  How many siblings?
Date: Three. *smiles
Me: ..............................o_O

This is seriously the most painful conversation I've ever had! I would seriously rather be having dental work done right now than trying to extract a LITTLE bit of info from this GUY! It's like pulling teeth from him!! It gets worse........

*awkward silence
Date: Do you have any interesting stories?
Me: ...................O_O..............what?
Date: interesting stories.
Me: Like what? Like from my childhood? my life? my job? what are you talking about?
Date: ummmmmmmmm..........yeah, anything.
Me: ................um...............I guess I can tell you stories about interesting things that happen to me at work.....

*So I started rambling on about weird patients that I've encountered at work, only to realize that I don't find anything I'm saying remotely interesting so I stop telling my stories mid-sentence and say......

Me: Is this what you are asking me? Is this what you are looking for? I'm not really sure what you mean by "interesting stories".....*puzzled look
Date: Sure. That's fine.
Me: ....................................O_O................(I'm thinking: what's happening right now? This has got to be the worst, most non-coherent conversation I've ever tried to have on a date...)
Date: *smiles
Me: Ok...so I'm going to stop talking about my interesting stories now because they aren't really that interesting.......what do you like to do in your spare time?
Date: watch movies.
Me: Ok...what movies?
Date: *rambled on about all these movies I don't care about...then mentions something about "The Hobbit"
Me: OH! I wanted to watch The Hobbit!
Date: Me too. Want to go together?
Me: um.......................maybe................(I'm really thinking: NO WAY!)
Date: How about this friday?
Me: ...............you mean tomorrow???
Date: Oh yeah. Tomorrow.
Me: No, I have plans (I don't really have plans...)
Date: Oh......
Me: So.....................*silence..............(I'm desperate here...so I just start rambling...)....I grew up in SD, I went to UCSD, then I went to UCBerkeley, and now I'm here, in LA...working....
Date: How about the Friday after New Years?
Me: What?
Date: To watch "The Hobbit"
Me: ........o_O (I'm thinking: are you serious? I just changed the subject...I was talking about something else, this guy is totally not even listening to a word I'm saying!)..........um............I'm going to have to get back to you on that......(I'm really thinking: NO WAY IN H-E-double hockey sticks!!)

**skipping to another part of the conversation......

This guy actually starts teaching me about biology and how sugar is digested in your body...he launches into this long ended, condescending talk about biochemical reactions in your body. He's a computer/software engineer so I ask "how do you know about all of this?" and he replies: "I read a lot of wikipedia pages". I don't know how why or how...but I think a little part of my brain just couldn't handle how bad this date was going but somewhere inside my body...maybe my brain, I snapped. I could not fathom the thought of some computer/software engineer teaching me about BIOLOGY. "oh, no you didn't!" *finger snap

I did not get a B.S. in Biochemistry and Cell Biology at a 4 year university to have some computer/software engineer teach me about how sugar is processed in the body! Ugh! First he doesn't talk and when he does talk, it's OFFENSIVE!

Do you know when a date is going really bad?? I started talking to a girl sitting in a table NEXT to us. Yes, I did. She was sitting by herself and probably laughing her butt off watching my date SINK like the TITANIC. I had more fun talking to her than I did to my own date. I probably would have had more fun just sitting there eating by myself than talk to my date!

Do you know how you know the date is going HORRIBLY WRONG?? WHEN I PAY FOR MY FREAKEN MEAL!!! I refused to let this guy pay! He insisted, which was nice...but then I insisted, "NO, WE ARE SPLITTING THE BILL."

*************Ok, rewind to another date...not as horrible as this one...but maybe equally disturbing....

Date: I don't get sad when things die. I am not emotionally attached to anything.
Me: What?? what about if you had a puppy that you really liked and it died?
Date: I wouldn't be sad.
Me: Really?
Date: yeah.
Me: why not??
Date: Because, it's inevitable. You know it's going to happen. You know it's going to die. Everything dies. It's bound to happen. So why be sad about it?

Ok...to be honest, I was just a little weirded out when I heard my date say this...but when I repeated these words to several friends, everyone thought he sounded like a Serial Killer! And now I'm starting to think so too!!

I mean, think about it! He doesn't have any emotions! You know who else doesn't have emotions? Psychopathic Serial Killers!!!!! And of course, just as I'm writing this blog, he calls me.........not a creepy coincidence at all..............*scared


Maybe I should just give up on dating and just stay home and be safe with Kurtis. I like that idea more. Good bye to dating. Good bye to all this craziness! I'm just going to stick to my non-interesting life for now! Good riddance!

I'm awake

I can't believe it's 2:43am and I'm awake. I can't sleep. I'm very tired, but I can't sleep. Thoughts of me being a horrible person keep racing through my mind.

My behavior was very disappointing and I let people down yesterday, most importantly, I let myself down. I was so disappointed in myself, I was desperately seeking for support to ensure I wasn't completely a horrible person, but when I called my friend to plead my case, she confirmed everything I didn't want to hear. She confirmed the obvious truth that I did NOT handle the situation properly, I am a horrible person and I failed.

She was right. But it hurt so much to hear that. It felt like someone just jabbed a knife straight into my heart and then pushed it in deeper and twisted the knife for a final fatal blow.

It felt good to cry and just release my emotions.

Another friend called around 12 am and we chatted for 2 hours or so. His words were more supportive but it didn't help, I knew they were lies. It's not "ok". Things will not be "fine".

As much as the truth hurts, my first friend was right. I did disappoint everyone and I let everyone down. They have a right to be mad and I'm just going to have to face the consequences.

I don't feel well. Maybe I'm just too tired. Maybe I'm just really sad.

It's 2:58am. I can't believe I'm awake right now.

Back from SF

Weekend in SF:
Against all odds and all disbelief...I went to SF this weekend. I was so on the fence about it and being so flaky about it that no one really even believed me when I said I'd be going up to SF for sure.

I had a lot of hesitation for traveling up there, but I'm really glad I went. I had a great weekend catching up with friends and eating SO MUCH FOOD. Thanks for keeping me well fed...maybe a little too well fed, my SF friend. I meant to take so many pictures this time around, but ending up, I always forgot. I updated some photos on facebook....the few that I had.

I realized that I had stored a lot of good (and bad) memories of the bay area. Being back there was very much bitter-sweet. Thank goodness it was more sweet than bitter. This trip did, however, made me realize how much I miss a lot of people from the bay area. I say "a lot" very losely...when I say a lot, I really mean like a couple of people or a few at most. I'm very selective in who I chose to "miss". Haha. I think it would have been a lot worse if I went over to the Berkeley side, where MOST of my memories are from. I don't know how I would feel to go back there. Just imagining walking down those streets in my head gives me the willies. I think I just want to block Berkeley out of my head for a while. It resurfaces a whole bag of worms that I just don't want to dig up right now. Too soon, too soon.

The best surprise had to be when one of my SJ friends rushed back from LA to meet up with me. I was sooo excited! I had to really contain my excitement. I honestly think I tried too hard to contain it because I feel like I came off really nonchalantly. Oh man! I just realized I didn't even get a picture with my SJ friend! DARN IT! *smacks head on table*

I'm also really glad I got to see my friend's mom. I have this feeling I'm like a teacher's pet...except I'm a "Parent's pet". I am so keen/eager to get chummy chummy with my friend's parents. It makes me so happy when I'm loved among my friend's parents. It's like I almost care more that my friend's parents like me than my friends. That doesn't make any sense. I have to add that to the list of things that don't make sense about me.

I really need to start a food list of places I want to eat in SF when I go back next time. There were so many places I thought of AFTER I left that I wanted to go back and eat at. I did look through my Yelp reviews prior to my trip to remind me what I liked, but once I hit all the Berkeley restaurants that I used to eat at and saw that most of them were CLOSED, I was so devastated! Makes me so sad that most of the places that I gave 4 or 5 stars to aren't even opened anymore! I don't like change, so that was definitely a gloomy walk down memory lane!

Resuming Life in LA:
I'm having a hard time resuming my life back in LA. I feel like I'm maladjusted. But that doesn't make any sense because I've been in LA for a few months now and I was only in SF for a few days. It's taking me a little bit of time to get back into the groove of things. Not to mention, my studio is a mess right now since I just let all my luggage explode on the floor when I got back from SF.

It's not like I'm trying but my schedule has been rapidly filling up since I've been back. I've got dinner plans every night this week and even weekend plans for friends to come visit me too! And I thought I was just going to have a nice relaxing week back. More time to veg and just binge of Trader Joe's snacks after work everyday. Guess I don't have that luxury this week.

Becoming a Night Owl:
I've been sleeping WAY late lately, like around 11:30-12ish. There was even one night I slept at 1am! This might be normal for people my age, but it's definitely very abnormal for me! I am still trying to wake up all early at 6am! This is insane! I am not getting enough sleep! What is happening to me? I don't even know why I stay up so late. Last night I stayed up to finish eating 3 bags of candy and some macaroons! And I wonder why I feel like I'm uncontrollably gaining weight. Geez.

Reading:
Ok, brace yourself, because I was even surprised when I realized what I was saying or doing. I actually want to read more. *gasps* See, I can't believe I am even typing these words in my blog! I requested going to a book store when I was in SF, I was really considering buying a few books at the airport when I was waiting to board, I actually went to a book store when I was in SF, I even borrowed some books from my bookworm friend to being back to LA to read! Who am I?? How did I develop this new taste for books? Is this just a phase? Hmm...what a mystery. I must be going through some weird quarter life feminine hormonal changes. Next thing you know I'm going to be going to art show openings or sipping coffee at a local cafe, wearing berets and stuff (oh wait, I kinda already did start wearing beret-like hats! OMG!)

Birthdays on Skype:
This morning I was unfortunately greeted with Skype notification as soon as I turned on my computer:

"It's *****'s Birthday today!"

Excellent.....great to know. I didn't even know Skype did such things like remind you when people have birthdays. Isn't that what facebook is for? Isn't Skype just used to video chat and make cheap international phone calls? Why is it sending me such glaring reminders of things I don't want to remember?

Worst Date Ever

Worst Date Ever:

Last night I survived one of the WORST dates I've ever been on. It was really close but I almost didn't make it. This is not your typical romantic comedy "worst date ever" type of things, where it will turn into a funny story to tell afterwards.....no.....this was different. It was a more subtle, intangible "worst date ever" type of deals. If you ask me, "what exactly was wrong with it?" I wouldn't be able to give you just one straight answer. I mean, I think it's easier to ask me "what went well with the date?" because I could just answer, "nothing". There wasn't just ONE thing that happened that made the date horrible...but it was more of a collection of unhealthy vibes that just made the whole experience very uncomfortable. I wanted out within the first few minuets. It was so bad that I even decided to PAY for myself just because I didn't want to owe this guy anything or feel obligated to spend more time with him than I need to! Yes...that was how bad it was. Let's start from the beginning shall we?

I got there early. Sat in the front of the restaurant waiting, looking over the menu. Then he shows up. First impression: he smells funny...what is that? -_-

We exchange a few greetings. Very awkward. He seemed very short with me. Did he not want to be there? No...he is just socially awkward. Didn't know how to greet someone with a warm welcome? Yes, that's more like it. A brief, "Hi" and then awkward stare at something off in the distance. .I have no idea what he was looking at. He seemed very aloof and out of it.  

Ok, not off to a great start. I try a little small talk. I found out he biked there. Weird smell...a little out of breathe, biked there...ok, I'm probably smelling his sweat. Gross. A little word of advice to you guys out there, DON'T BIKE to your DATES! You SWEAT! Unless your sweat smells like Ralph Lauren's Polo Cologne (it comes in a nice blue bottle, very expensive), then you smell BAD. BAD is NOT good. Always minus brownie points here.

I always like to ask if the guy has been to the restaurant before. He says he has. I then proceed to ask if he recommends anything on the menu. He points to one thing on the menu and commands me "get that, it's good". I am quiet. I think he sensed his short/commanding tone was a little off puting and he quickly follows with an insincere "or not...whatever, everything is good here."

I hate him already.

I don't even want to go into detail about how the rest of the night unraveled because it's just horrific to recall.
But I can summarize, that it lasted less than an hour, we complained excessively about our respective mothers, I found out nothing that I wanted to know about this guy and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way about me, since our conversation was just a long rant about life. Near the end, he wanted to watch a movie, I politely declined. Ran for my life to my car!

Here is when you know a date is going down the dumps. He knows more about my mother and her neurotic behavior than he does about me.

I really hope I didn't look too judgmental the whole time because I tend to talk with my hands and my facial expressions and if my hands/facial expressions reflected my thoughts, then boy, did I look SUPER rude and uncomfortable.

I think this date actually made me REGRESS in terms of dating life. I want that hour of my life back! I actually didn't even enjoy the food...was it because of the awful company? I have no idea! I can't unravel the details and I really have no inclination to at all!

This is what happens when you follow the advice of a guy friend. "Yes, this guy  looks legit, yes, meet up with him". That's the last time I'm going to fall for that! I had to learn the hard way but no more guy advice for my dating life!

FB

FB:

I had a friend text me the other day:
"Hey, I have a fb q"

I think it's safe to say that it's socially accepted that fb stands for FACEBOOK. So I texted her back saying:
"Oh, I didn't know you got a facebook account now, are you going to add me as a friend?"

At which point she laughed at me and said:
"Haha, I mean foreign body silly!"

Yeah, that's definitely not what I was thinking....haha.

Christmas Cards:

I'm not a big greeting card person, never has been, but as I've "matured," I've begun to appreciate greeting cards more and more. They are no longer just fancy card stock paper with a clever greeting and a cute cartoon printed on them anymore, they embody so much more than that. I never really understood that, until I gradually received more and more thoughtful greeting cards throughout the years.

There are some cards I like because they are from someone really meaningful to me. There are some I like because the card is really pretty or the greeting is really funny. There are some I like because it's been personalized, whether it be extra drawings or a really heart-warming message drawn/written by the sender.  And then there are some cards that have ALL of the above. And those, I definitely keep with me and very dear to my heart. I cherish inanimate objects that remind me of friends or fond memories. Sometimes I feel like that's all I have left of that moment in time.  I go through and look at all my cards all again sometimes just to take a walk down memory lane. I don't know what other people do with their cards, but if it's like one of my best friends, you probably throw them away after you read them.

Anyhow, this year I am going to try to mail Christmas Cards to people. Aside from helping my mom mail cards to her friends, I've never done it before. I've passed out meaningless generic Christmas cards to my friends before, but never tried to write personal greetings and actually mail them out.

Most of the people on my "to mail" list are not my age. They are people way older than me. I guess I'm assuming they will appreciate the cards more than the friends my age will?

Hopefully, my card will be special enough for people to keep and cherish them for a long time. (I'm not saying forever, because that is being too hopeful)

T - 3 DAYS:

I'm counting down the days! Gonna be in THE CITY soon! I'm actually getting less excited about it because everyone is telling me it is going to rain and it's going to be so cold. I don't have any rain boots with me and none of my shoes that I have right now are going to suffice, so this trip is probably going to suck (for my shoes/socks/feet).

But nonetheless, I'm still excited to see some friends!

It's too bad I won't get to see everyone I want to see :(

Looking nice: 

I met this guy that we originally had intentions of dating but then we decided to be friends. We have a really interesting dynamic together. I feel like we are flirty but supportive of each other. We almost just replaced each other's significant other but we don't really do all that lovey-dovey stuff.

I'm suppose to meet up with him tonight for dinner. I put my hair in "rollers" last night to curl them and I really have no idea how it would turn out, so I was almost hesitant to meet up with him tonight because I didn't want my hair to turn out to be a disaster and I had to see him. When I told him that, he replied with: "Don't worry, you always look nice. And you don't have to look nice for me, you aren't trying to impress me."

But I do want to look nice. Even if I'm not trying to impress him.

Wait! Who is this girl that I'm morphing into? I would have NEVER thought these things before! I was always the super scrungy, very casual, almost hobo looking girl and all of a sudden, I want to look NICE everyday, even if it's someone I don't want to impress?? What has gotten into me?? Am I finally growing up??

My mom would be so proud by the way. She's always complaining about how I don't act more like a girl. I've always been such a tom boy. I never cared about dresses or make up growing up. But recently, I've been more interested in make up, doing my hair, wearing nicer clothes and looking nice, even if there is no one to impress.

I didn't really realize this was happening because it was so gradual. First, it was wearing some eye make up. Then it was caring more about my hair. Buying more hair care products. Then I started to accessorize more. In a few days, I'm going to SF, and now I'm even thinking about travelling with my flat iron so I can do my hair.

Wow, this is crazy! I used to be the girl that made fun of other girls for travelling with flat irons and hair care products....and now I AM THAT GIRL! This is nuts!

For One More Day

Reading, again? 

I honestly think I've been having an incredible reading year. For those of you that know me, I never read. Well, I shouldn't' say "never" but I seldom read. I've been averaging about 1 book a year and sometimes, I don't even get to 1 book, sometimes it's like half a book or none. But THIS year, I've read the entire series of The Hunger Games, Eat Pray Love, and maybe one more book that I'm not remembering......AND just this Thanksgiving break, I finished reading "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom.

I've always been a fan of his books, "Tuesdays with Morrie" and "Five People You Meet In Heaven". His books are truly inspiring and life changing. Makes you really re-evaluate your life and your attitudes towards life.

When I first picked up this book and started to read it again, the story seemed so familiar to me. I thought to myself that I must have read it before. But I honestly don't remember how it ended, and to be honest, I don't read that much, so I remember books I've read, and I had no recollection of reading this one, but the story just seemed so familiar. Anyway, getting about halfway, I realized that I had started this book in the past, and never finished it. See, this is one of those examples where I only read HALF A BOOK a year type deals...

I don't know why I didn't have time to finish this before, but I'm really glad I made my way around and got to finish it now. The story here is about a man that has reached a point in his life where he is seeking suicide. In his attempts to end his life, he has a supernatural experience where he is granted one more day to spend with his deceased mother. And throughout this day, he recounts/rehashes his life and his relationship with his mother, coming to the realization that he hasn't been a great son to his mother, but it's all too late, because she's not alive for him to treat her any better anymore.

This story really helps me re-evaluate my actions and attitudes towards how I treat my family, particularly my mom. Just like the main character in this book, I'm always "too busy" and very short with them when they call me or talk to me. I sometimes give them an attitude or I'm always so annoyed when they ask me for help. After reading this book, I'm reminded that life is short and I really should treat them better. As much as I don't want to admit it, they won't be here forever, and when they do pass, I don't want to think back and recollect all these memories of how I didn't treated my mom and grandma with respect. I don't want to be the main character in the book. I don't want to live my life with regret. That's not the person I want to be. I want to be the poster child, the child that will move "Heaven and Earth" for my parents. I can't make any promises, but I will definitely TRY. I will TRY a lot harder from now on.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Gobble, Gobble!

It's that time of the year again to over indulge on food and eat way past your daily 2000 calorie allowance! But if you are me, then that's actually, me everyday. Well, I do over indulge a little bit more than I normally do on Thanksgiving...hehe.

There was this one year where I had to go to 5 or 6 Thanksgiving dinners in a row...one after another, for almost a week straight and ever since then I've LOATHED turkey. So I've always avoided it every Thanksgiving, but this year, I decided to give it another shot, and surprisingly, it was pretty good. It didn't have that awful gamy smell and taste. I think I'm a Thanksgiving/Turkey lover once more!

I'm thankful for being able to spend Thanksgiving with my parents this year. Normally, my parents have to work overtime for Thanksgiving and it's really nice they were both able to get the day off today! We started out the day by driving all the way up to North County to have dim sum at Pearl. Their dim sum there was pretty good, I have to say :) They had really good service too because Pearl hired a lot of young white girls to work there and they were very energetic, eager to serve, and nice too!

Afterwards, my parents and I went to the grand opening of H Mart! Yes friends! This is the same H Mart that I found in Portland, Oregon!! WHOOP WHOOP! They must have decided to open a chain down here in Cali! It's a really good move too because the place was PACKED! I had to elbow people to get around the store! There was a really cute French bakery inside the market and there were these really cute macaroons that I really wanted to get but the line was almost out the door to pay so I decided it wasn't worth it. There was a really legit looking fast food area in the market, serving super tasty looking Korean food, just like the H Mart in Portland! I wanna go back and try the food there!

(I don't know why the photo got inverted...yes, that's my head there on the lower left)

The rest of the day was spend getting ready to go over to my Aunt's for Thanksgiving dinner. We made a lot of different dishes to bring over there with us. I made these little cake bites. Looks good and tastes pretty decent too :) I was really worried because I actually left out a key ingredient, MILK! I didn't even realize it until my brother pointed it out to me! I don't know how I possibly missed it! I overlook things way too often! I need to pay more attention to detail. But I guess somethings never change..haha.

(they almost look like macaroons!)

Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt's was pretty fun. I'm glad I got to see all my aunts/uncles/grandma again. Surprisingly, none of my cousin's came. Good thing my brother was there to keep me company. I'm glad I'm not an only child, otherwise, I'd probably be bored out of my mind. Well...maybe not, I tend to be pretty good at entertaining myself. I think about the most random things and then before I even know it, 3 hours has gone by. Ok...that was an exaggeration, maybe like 30 mins goes by without me noticing it..he he he..

Patients say the darnest things:

I had a few interesting comments from patients, here goes:

Me: Please looks over here.
Patient: Ok, whatever you say kiddo. I'm sorry, I guess I should refer to you as doctor?
Me: yes, please. Please look over here.
Patient: You got it kiddo. Sorry, you just look so young...
Me: -_-

Patient: Are you the doctor?
Me: Yes.
Patient: Wow, you look like a little high school girl.
Me: -_-

This happened within the last few weeks after this:

Yes...I cut some bangs....it turned out surprisingly ok...I thought it was going to be a disaster since I was going to do it myself, but it's not too bad and I'm actually getting used to them. At first I thought I looked SUPER funny but now I can't really imagine myself without them. They are really growing on me. Anyhow, a few of my friends pointed out that bangs actually make people look YOUNGER. Which I guess makes sense given these patient comments in the last few weeks after I got my bangs... 

Black Friday

It's always been this brother/sister ritual between my brother and I to go black Friday shopping together. We have this plan all worked out where we rush into the store and one person gets in line to pay and the other person shops for things and then we switch, and it actually took a while to perfect, but I think we finally got it all down...but this year, I totally got dumped. My brother told me that he's actually going to go with his friends instead of me. DUMPED. Yes, much like everything else in my life, I've been left in the dust to fend for myself. I guess I'll just stay home and "sleep" in until 7am! Considering I wake up at 5-6am everyday, 7am is sleeping in for me :)

Being Silly:

My co-residents and I were being silly and decided to model some really "stylish" new frames that just arrived. Observe:

(Here I am with my CRAZY eyes again)

Lower Your Expectations:

Ok, not trying to get anyone's hopes up....but I think I'm going to be SF bound VERY soon.......outlook is pretty good.......but keep in mind, keep your expectations lower....just in case..... 

SF or not?

It's Friday again! This week went by really fast for me! I think it's because of the LONG weekend, getting Monday off always makes the week go by faster. This week has also been really hectic for me. I feel like I didn't have time to do anything! Every day when I get home it's like 8 or 9pm, take a shower, eat and it's bed time.

I was almost late for work this morning because I got hooked on watching these movie trailers on hulu. I didn't think I would like zombie movies but this one really caught my eye. It looks really funny! Check it out!

I've been pushing off a decision I really should have made a while ago...I am still trying to figure out if I should go to SF the first weekend of Dec or not. I already bought my tickets, I know where I'm staying, I want to go up and see some friends...AND of course I want to celebrate the happy news of a successful round of radiation with a SPECIAL SOMEONE *wink wink*.....so I seem to have so many good reasons but I'm still hesitant. I'm normally really reluctant to act on things that I'm hesitant about so I have many reservations about this trip. May be it will be nice to go and just step away for a while. I rarely just take a vacation to take a vacation (unless it's with my parents). I normally always travel with a purpose. I kinda do have a purpose this time, it's to accompany my friend for her UCSF interviews. Ahhh...I don't know. I'm still just going to push it on the back burner and simmer the thought on low heat.......I'm just going to keep everyone guessing!

Little hole, where are you?

Little hole, where are you?

I found a very small and hard to find retinal hole in a patient today. I wanted to consult with someone so I asked another resident to come take a look. After 10 mins of bright lights and poking at the patient, she couldn't find it. At which point, she pulled in the attending doctor. After another 10 mins of bright lights and poking at the patient, he couldn't find it. Then we had to pull out a spell type of lens that is more invasion because we have to push it against the eye (so it touches the eye), in hopes that this will help see the hole. Still couldn't find it, so I had to jump in again and pull up the view with the special lens...at which point, I just held the view there and moved over so the doctor could look into the oculars and see what I was seeing. Then, he finally saw the hole.

I'm very surprised that I actually saw something like this. I'm not very good at retinal evaluations, but apparently, I'm better than I thought...  *BIG smiles*

Poor eye: 

I have a friend that has been getting recurrent episodes of a unilateral red eye...sometimes it's the lids and sometimes it's the eye itself, but I feel so bad for her. I feel her pain since I've been getting multiple episodes of tooth aches myself, I can see how recurrent, chronic symptoms are such a bother! I think she has episcleritis, which at this point, I'm wondering why she has it...very suspicious...

Pray, pray: 

I hope and "pray" for good results from the radiation, you know who you are :)

My thoughts are with you *hugs*

Candy:

I don't know what's been going on with me lately but I've had this HUGE candy craze! I've been downing candy constantly! Normally I am a huge chocolate fanatic, but lately, I've been craving gummy candies, like gummy bears, gummy worms, mike and ikes, life saver gummies, swedish fish...and of course, all of its respective sour friends like sour gummy worms, sour life save gummies, sour patch kids! YUM! My mouth is drooling just thinking about them! If I'm not going to walk away with a million cavities, I'm for sure going to get diabetes after this......

Acme Bread:

There is this place I found in San Diego that reminds me of Acme bread. Oh gosh, how I miss Acme bread! If it's anything I miss about the bay area, aside from FRIENDS, of course, it's the food!! Just being in that bakery this weekend, surrounded by all the artisan bread, overwhelmed me with nostalgic memories of Acme bread in Berkeley. I can remember all the times I biked there in hopes of buying some currant bread, only to find it's all sold out. All the times I walked there and then realized I was too tired to walk back, so I'd sit there and eat as much bread as I possibly could before I started to walk back home. Or the times when Byron would drive me to Acme bread and we would get some pan epi, then go to Trader Joes and get some cheese and meat, then go home and make some really good sandwiches!

All these happy memories of being in the bay area came gushing back. Hard to believe that among all that incessant complaining about the weather and how unhappy I was there, I actually did find happiness there. That when I think back to Berkeley now, I'm starting to associate it with happy memories that I'm actually fond of. I guess this is what happens when people become nostalgic, the past is raised onto a pedestal and you just want to return back to the past. You forget all the bad memories that followed with it. It's easy to forget.

I'm even starting to miss the rain...OMG, who am I? Why am I saying such things? I need to snap back into reality!

Potluck Cookies and Obama

Potluck cookies
We have a potluck today at work. I bought cookies. I forgot to bring the cookies. -_-

I'm going to blame it my fainting spell, followed by my head trauma on Monday. I do feel a little more out of it and more forgetful than usual. Maybe it's just me being paranoid or I'm just trying to find an escape goat. I don't know...but I'm suspicious I lost some brain cells from this fall...very suspicious.

In addition, some of my lab testing has returned from Monday and I'm very very, DEATHLY low on iron, which means I am probably very anemic. My CBC with differentials hasn't come in yet, but I'm suspicious it's very low. I know the quick fix would be to take iron supplements but I'm afraid that malnutrition is not my problem because I know I eat enough and I eat a variety of things, but I'm afraid it's malabsorption of nutrients that is my problem. And if that's the problem, then it's not going to be that easy to fix. Oh poo...I hate it when there isn't a quick fix to a health problem.  :(

Obama
Hot topic today everywhere should be that Obama got re-elected right? I didn't even vote, but if I did, that's who I would have voted for. So yay me for making things happen without even trying! *high fives self*

Vasovagal Syncope

Vasovagal Syncope 

Yesterday at about 10:30am-11:00am, while I was at work, I felt very nauseous. I ran to the bathroom thinking I was going to throw up, but instead, realized that my vision started to fade. I couldn't see anything, I could only sense light. I started to panic and hyperventilate. Next thing I knew, I woke up on the floor of the bathroom. GROSS! I know. When I came to, the first thing I realized was that I was on the floor. Then I really hoped that I was on a clean floor, like at home or in my apartment. And when I realized I was on the bathroom floor, I was very disgusted, but then very worried because I just realized what had happened...I fainted.

I felt around my head and I realized there was a really tender spot that really hurt when I touched it. I bet I hit on my head really hard on the way down. Then I realized that everything was really blurry. I felt my face and realized my glasses were gone. I had to feel around the bathroom floor (again, GROSS!) and finally found my glasses across the floor of the bathroom. Which lead me to my next thought, "how hard did I fall to knock my glasses off my face and across the floor?"

When I finally got my glasses back on, I examined myself to find scrapes on my hands. I must have scraped them when I fell. I took a moment to gather myself in the bathroom, and then went back to work. I know...crazy right? I just fainted and I decided to go back to work instead of...I don't know...going to the doctor?

The ironic thing is, I was in a hospital. I work in the hospital on Monday's giving bedside exams. Surrounded by doctor's but yet, still not receiving any medical care because they weren't MY doctor and didn't accept my insurance. Funny how the word works.

At about 3:00pm, I realized that there were bruises on my hands and my lip was bruised too. I must have fallen on my face and bruised up my hands. I decided to call Kaiser and get some advice from a nurse. She recommended that I go to urgent care but NOT drive myself, in case I black out again. So I asked my friend to take me, but the catch was, I had to drive myself to my friend.

As I drove to her, I almost got in an accident, REALLY near miss AND when I got there, I just turned off my car and didn't even put it in park or put my emergency break on. Since I was on a hill, I started to roll backwards. Good thing there was no one behind me!

So after 3 hours at Urgent Care, $20 for co-pay, an EKG, $10 for lab testing, and $5 for parking, the diagnosis was "vasovagal syncope". Of course it was something that simple...

This morning, I found dirty splotches on my white coat...probably from the bathroom floor...great.

Modern Family

While my friend drove me to the hospital yesterday, we passed by a church that Modern Family was filming at. I saw Phil and Gloria taking a break and eating, my friend spotted Mitchell. It was really cool! Wish I had a camera to take some pictures. If only I wasn't so worried about passing out yesterday I really would have been a lot more excited about it. I can't wait to watch the episode where this church is featured in it! It's just down the street from my apartment too! I pass by this church all the time!

Time

Time: 
I don't understand how time passes by so quickly and slowly at the exact same time. I guess it's one of those dual property phenomenons like how light can be a particle and a wave at the exact same time. It's beyond our human capabilities to understand how light works, just as it's probably beyond my ability to understand how time works.

My physics teacher at UCSD told me a story about light that I will never forget. He compared current scientific understanding of light to a story about a scientist that discovers a caveman. So there was this scientist that found this frozen caveman. He thawed him and started teaching him about the modern world. He taught him English and was about to fly him over to Switzerland to submit him for a Noble Prize. Just as they were heading to the airport, the scientist pointed to the taxi that arrived and said "this is a 'taxi'". The caveman nodded and said "taxi". Then when they were driving to the airport, the scientist pointed to a bird outside the window that was flying in the sky and said "that is a 'bird'". The caveman nodded and said "bird". Once they arrived at the airport, the caveman spotted an airplane that was on the runway about to take off. The caveman pointed at the airplane and said "taxi!". Just as the caveman registered that the airplane was a taxi, the plane took off the ground and ascended into the air. The caveman was confused and shouted "bird?".

This story demonstrates our elementary understanding of light as we crudely try to classify it as a particle or a wave, but it really has components of both, but because we are not that advance to understand completely understand light, we are confused when light can act as a particle and a wave, just like the caveman is confused that the airplane can act as both a taxi and a bird. And just as I am confused as to why time can pass by so quickly and so slow at the exact same time.

But then again, my subjective opinion on time might all just be psychological and completely different from my story about the caveman and light, but that was the best example I could think of to compare how I view time at the moment.

Life Line: 
I've always believed in reading palms and ever since I was a little girl, I've always believed that my life line is short. I estimated only living until 30yrs old +/- 5 years. But recently, I feel like my life line has grown LONGER. That's not possible because supposedly, your palm lines stop changing after you are 18. I can't explain it, but I really feel like my life line has grown longer! Normal people might be happy to find out that their life line has been extended, but I'm actually really upset about it. I've set up expectations my whole life to only live until I'm around 30. Now what am I going to do if I live past that age?? I don't have plans! My health is declining! I watched "A Simple Life"! I know what happens when you age! I don't want to end up in an old person home! I know I'm not going to age gracefully so this is not negotiable!

A midst all my upset thinking about the possibility of my life extending past 30 years old, I began to ponder how I would die. All these really horrifying thoughts about me drowning, getting hit by a car, thrown off a building, bullet to the head were popping up! It was really scary! I just don't want to feel any pain when it's my time to go! Well, I bet that's everyone's wish but not everyone gets that luxury. This is just a sad topic to think about all together...ok, I digress...

Back to being upset about my life line being extended! -_-

Happy Halloween?

Needing a custom made nightguard, 5 stress fractures on my teeth that need to be fixed, and a parking ticket! Happy Halloween indeed........

I'm so poor :(

Just A Little Inappropriate...

Just A Little Inappropriate:

Conversation with my 50ish year old Caucasian male patient:

Patient: what ethnicity are you?
Me: I'm Chinese.
Patient: I thought you were Filipino.
Me: Really?? I look Filipino?
Patient: Well, I don't know, I can't tell. I was just wondering because I'm thinking about going to the Philippines and getting me a 20 year old wife. But I want a real pretty one, so I'm trying to figure out if I should go to China, Korea, Vietnam, Taiwan, or whatever. *looks me up and down* You guys all look good to me.
Me: O_O  eh...good luck with that.

Bad Day:
 I had the worse morning today!

I always have my phone with in the mornings when I wake up. I like to play games on it and listen to Pandora. Ok...so I'm super messy and I have bundles of clothes on my bathroom counter, so I made the mistake of setting my phone on top of my piles of clothes and it slips right into my toilet!! Now it's water damaged and who knows if it's still functioning properly!!

I had to go attend a meeting this morning in which the speaker brought us coffee. I opened the container and it was too full so it spilled all over the table, then the floor and all over the front of my WHITE COAT. When it dried it really looked like yellow water marks like I pee'd on myself!!

It was sorta like this picture but WAY BIGGER STAIN 

Halfway through the morning, I got a really bad stomach ache. I just wanted to curl up in my coffee stained white coat and die.

East Coast: 

I received a text yesterday from one of my friends. It was a text that she had forwarded from someone on the East Coast. The text said "My house is flooded and I'm waiting for someone to come help rescue us! I'm praying for someone to come save me and my family. Don't call me because I'm trying to save battery on my cell phone! I really hope we pull through! Please pray for us!"

I was a little confused as to why my friend forwarded me this text. My first guess was that she wanted me to pray for her friend. Then I realized that also doesn't make sense because I'm not religious and I wouldn't pray. So I texted my friend back and said "I'm sorry to hear about your friend. My thoughts go out to her and her family. Hope they are safe!"

Then my friend texted back and told me the text was from a mutual friend of ours. Someone we BOTH know! I was shocked to find out who it was! At that point, I cared a whole LOT more! Funny how you can be so apathetic when you receive news about people you don't know. And when you find out it involves someone you do know, how different you can react and how much more it can affect you.

Again, my thoughts (which are synonymous to my prayers) are with those who have fallen victim to Hurricane Sandy.

A Simple Life:

I just finished crying my eyeballs out by watching "A Simple Life". Makes me feel really bad about how I get so impatient with my elderly patients. I feel bad I don't spend more time with my grandma's either. And then there are my aging relatives I don't spend enough time with. Come to think of it, I don't really spend that much time with my parents either. I'm such a horrible person.

My Guilty Pleasure

My Guilty Pleasures:

Just when I thought Trader Joe's couldn't get any better, I'm proven wrong!

PUMPKIN FLAVORED MACAROONS!!! That's NEW!!! And probably only here for a limited time for the fall season too!!! Get them while they are still there!!

PRETZEL SLIMS!! Always a classic love of mine :) 

Looks like Kurtis wants some of the macaroons too! He's got his cute little paw over them!! 

Flaky friends:

My friend totally flaked on me today! He was suppose to drive up from SD and hang out with me today but called me SUPER last minuet at like 2:30pm TODAY and told me that he decided to bail on coming up here today. How lame! Who flakes out THIS last minuet?? Grrr...

I should get him this card.........

Hello Journal

Hello Journal,

I'm writing this morning from a remote office away from where I normally give exams. I'm sent here every Wednesday and Friday mornings because it is a more convenient location for patients to get to, so therefore, here I am. This small little office is really more like a glorified closet, but I like it. It's very cozy and it's something that I can claim as my own. Back at the clinic, there are so many patients, interns, co-residents, attendings, techs, etc, etc, and everyone shares the same space. It's hard to find somewhere quiet to gather your thoughts. But here, I have my own space, my own little closet of a clinic.

Patients are scheduled every half hour, and I have my own schedule, so I'm the only doctor here that sees them. It can get hectic if everyone shows up, but more often than not, there are no shows. (thank goodness!). These no shows give me more time to chart and finish up with other patients that might have more problems that needs more time to deal with. No shows are definitely a treat! But sometimes they can be a blessing in disguise when I sit there for half an hour thinking someone isn't going to show up, and then they are late and two people show up at the same time and now I'm super backed up. That happens quite often here too, unfortunately.

It seems like it's been so long since I've written anything that has a happy undertone to it. I feel like my recent entries almost make me sound like all I do is roll around on the floor and cry all day. I just wanted to clarify that is not what I do ALL DAY LONG....just in the evenings when I come home from work. Haha, jk...sorta...haha, jk!

Ok, enough jokes. I wanted to share a few funny stories/convos I've had lately. I feel like I've been in such a rush lately, I don't even know why because I don't need to go anywhere, so I have no destination that I'm aiming for, but I just want to get there FAST apparently. So I've been impatiently cutting people off when they talk and not waiting for people to finish before I walk away...but I digress...here are some "interesting" updates/convos/stories:

**********
(this patient is around 90 years old and hard of hearing)
Patient: Oh my gosh, something is missing!
Me: WHAT IS MISSING?
Patient: You don't have a wedding ring! Did you know that?
Me: I'M AWARE OF THAT BUT THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT.
Patient: Well, it's missing! How can a pretty girl like you not find a husband?
Me: Apparently, it's pretty easy, effortless...
Patient: Huh? What did you say?
Me: I SAID WE ARE GOING TO START THE EXAM NOW. -_-
************

Me: Ok, look right here.
Patient: *No reaction*
Me: look HERE.
Patient: Oh...with my eyes?
Me: ......yes? o_O
Patient: Oh, ok.
Me: You are still not looking here!
Patient: I can see it off to the side though!
Me: I want you to look here WITH your eyes and DIRECTLY at it! Not with your side vision!
Patient: OHHhh...ok, you should have been more specific!
Me: -_-

*************

Patient: I'VE BEEN WAITING TWO HOURS! WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN SEEN?
Me: Ok, I'm sorry, what's your name?
Patient: *********
Me: You aren't on the list.
Patient: YES I AM! I have an appointment today TWO HOURS AGO!
Me: *looks into chart* You HAD an appointment YESTERDAY TWO HOURS AGO.
Patient: Oh...really? haha, my bad.
Me: -_-

************

Me: *opens patient's chart*
BIG FLASHING WARNING IN CHART:
"PATIENT IS DANGEROUS! ATTACKED VA WORKER TWO YEARS AGO. MUST EXAMINE PATIENT WITH A POLICE OFFICER NEARBY!"
Me: Hmmmmm.......ok...great......
(I survived the exam without a police officer monitoring the patient, I didn't get attacked, but I was very scarred the whole time)

************
(This patient is legally blind)
Patient: You are very pretty!
Me: -_-

************

Patient: How old are you?
Me: 26
Patient: Just as a warning, the next four years are going to fly by and then you'll be old.
Me: um.....thanks for the warning? -_-

************

Oh my! Time sure flies when you waste it updating an online journal no one reads! I have to get going now! Must make it to Sepulveda VA (where Grey's Anatomy is filmed!) for seminar today! More "funny" convos/stories to come later!

"Something's Missing"

Something's Missing: 

I'm sure my patient had the best of intentions but I really just interpret it that way...

Patient: Oh no! Something's missing?
Me: What's missing?
Patient: Look! *points at my ring finger* You are missing a wedding ring! How can such a pretty girl not be married?
Me: he..he..he...
Patient: You really should be married, it's really missing...
Me: yeah......I know it's missing.....


Thanks for painfully  pointing that one out cause I wasn't aware of it before. I'm rolling my eyes like Mylie Cyrus here...

Pretzel M&M's: 

These sounded really good when they first advertised for it and I finally got a chance to try them. I really don't think they are that great. I think the peanut ones are way better. I just don't taste any of the pretzel and the milk chocolate just doesn't compliment the tasteless pretzel either. I prefer my Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate covered Pretzel Slims WAY more! Those things are toooooooo delicious!! I can never stop eating them! I think the most I've ever gotten was like 5 bags at once. I know...excessive. But that's how I roll with food...go big or go home. I should probably change that attitude, seeing how diabetes runs in my family and I have borderline high cholesterol. 

ICE CREAM MACAROONS:

Feast your eyes on THIS!!! 

I know you probably don't care, but that's just because you haven't tasted this bad boy yet! So you know how delicious macaroons are? And of course ice cream is so yummy! This is a dessert with BOTH!! I only knew of ONE place with ice cream macaroons in SF and I only got to have it ONCE! I'm so glad I found it here in LA! And it's actually really close to me too!! How can you not smile looking at this beautiful picture?? 

Should I go or should I stay?:

Should I pack up all my stuff and move to another state? That seems so scary and so exciting at the same time. I've had a lot of friends do it and they are doing ok. I don't know if I'm just as strong and independent as they are, but how would I find out if I never try? 

Ok, I need to stop psyching myself out. I should just do it. What's the worse that can happen to me? 

It's time to change my scenery around and start something new. Ok, goal is to book plane tickets today :)

Small World

Small World

People always say this world is SO big. And I don't need people to tell me it's big, I know it's big. You can just look at a map or a globe. It takes so long to just get from one end of the US to the other, let alone, one side of the world to the other. But isn't it interesting that no matter how big the world really is, there are times when you just feel like the world is SOO small.

How is it that people you've completely lost touch with suddenly find you again? What force of nature is that? Fate? Destiny? Or is it just a statistics game? If you know enough people, by the natural entropy of this world, you are bound to run into someone random that you've met years and years ago? Does it mean anything that out of the 6 billion people in the world, you have run into them again?

I tend to look too much into these random encounters with people, but I can't help to just wonder...what does this mean? How come they are re-appearing in my life? Is there a greater being that is drawing us together? And if there is, why are we drawn together again?

I am a firm believer in fate and destiny. It's not because I've watched too many chick flicks, it' because I'd like to believe that the world is not complete random. I want to believe that there is some order to things and how the world works. It puts me more at ease to know that there might be some external force that controls a tiny component of everyone's lives. I'm not saying that I don't believe in free will, but I think there are certain events that are meant to happen sometimes. There are certain people you are meant to meet. And when all the dust settles, certain significant markers in your life that are meant to take place. When I adopt this philosophy, it makes me not worry as much about my life and things that are going/meant to happen. Because I know, I don't have to rush it or worry about it, it'll just happen with time.

If something is meant to happen, it will. If two people are meant to see each other again, it will. If they are meant to be together, it will. All in due time.

I'd like to believe things are just that easy. "Hey, no worries" because everything is already pre-determined. You just sit back and relax, and enjoy the ride of life.

But I'm starting to think that more so then not, life doesn't work like that. I'm starting to worry about life more, starting to doubt my philosophy, starting to doubt fate/destiny. It hasn't been on my side as of recent. Hope things turn around soon.


Phone call

You know sometimes you get that phone call from that person that you have been dying to talk to but then when your phone actually rings and you see that name light up on your phone, it just scares the living day lights out of you? That happened to me yesterday.

I guess I've been waiting and pretty much dying to talk to this person. And when it finally happens, I pick up the phone and I am too afraid to speak my mind or tell them the truth. I was too afraid I'd be judged and felt so silly. I really wanted to just poor out my feelings and all my emotions but I knew it wasn't appropriate. There was so much I wanted to convey...so many pent up emotions...but all was lost in my hesitations. I really didn't what to say half the time.

The whole conversation felt so heavy. Like when you eat a deep fried Twinkie, and all the sugar and oil just sinks into your stomach, like an anchor. An anchor that drags all your happiness down, burying your happy feelings forever and releasing all your sorrow.

It was the confirmation that I needed. The final chapter. The book is closed and that's that. The story is over. Period.

**New post, just added...

Epiphany

Yes, I just had an epiphany as I was driving to work this morning. After a week of moping and throwing a pity party for myself, I feel like someone's finally sent me some help. I'm always waiting for a sign, waiting for something to happen, but I'm too dumb to even recognize it when a sign does show up. It's almost like that joke with that boat and that guy...ok, here's how it goes:

A boat went down in the middle of the ocean and a guy is drift around in the middle of the sea, floating on some broken off piece of the boat. He floats there waiting. A boat comes by and asks him "Hey, are you ok? We are here to rescue you, hop on the boat!" and the guy in the water says "no thanks, I'm waiting for God to rescue me". And the boat leaves. In a little bit, another boat passes by and asks the man, "Hey, are you ok? You can come onto our boat" and the man in the water says "No thanks, I'm waiting for God to rescue me." And this happens ONE more time and eventually, the man in the water drowns. The man dies and goes to heaven. In heaven, the man meets up with God and asks him "Hey God, why did you not rescue me and let me drown?" and God replies: "I did, I sent you THREE boats to rescue you!"

So anywayz, the moral of the story is, learn to recognize when God sends you "signs". Ok, I say God loosely because I'm not even religious but you catch my drift.

This all boils down to the call I got yesterday. Someone up there must be sending me a sign. It's time to move on and stop moping. I don't even know why or what I'm still trying to hold onto? But I think the phone call was very clear yesterday, it's time. Stop kidding yourself. There is no redo. Time runs on a linear pattern, there is no going back and certainly being nostalgic all the time is not going to help.

It's over. Move on. It's over. Move on. It's over. Move on.

Christina Perri says it best

How the hell does a broken heart
Get back together when it's torn apart?
Teach itself to start beating again

Don't you think it was hard?
I didn't even say that you died
But it wouldn't have been such a lie
'Cause then I started to cry

So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

2 a.m., where do I begin?
Crying off my face again
The silent sounds of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me 'til I fall asleep

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely


Stalkers never prosper: 


Not knowing makes you yearn...

Knowing makes you curious...

Investigating makes you wonder...

The truth makes you sad...

Lies give you comfort...

When is this going to stop?

Lost it

Lost it

I realized today that I lost all my voice messages! I can't believe T-Mobile did this to me! How can you just delete my messages without asking me or even giving me a warning?? Death to you T-Mobile!

My messages were really special to me! I need them! I still listen to them time to time...just as a sweet reminder. Now it's all gone! I have so little left now. Little by little, I'm losing all I once had!

Kurtis is all I have left...

Hidden messages

I'm pretty sure these lyrics are about God but I think I can extend the meaning to apply to my life:

"Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord 

What am I looking for? What am I waiting for? Seems like I should know by now....

You know what this picture is? 

Yes...it's a puzzle..but the key is that it's incomplete. There is piece of puzzle that is missing. Such a critical piece missing....

Hidden messages: 

My life may not always seem very together but...

Everyday I try to pretend to pull it off that...

Everything is ok but then I know...

That it's not always the case... 

My mind is always racing and thinking about...

Everything else except my task at hand, why...

Is it that I'm always so distracted with such...

Non-sensical things, I think my...

Problem is that I always try to look at the... 

Overall picture and never focus on the...

Really hidden details and messages...

That are...

Laid out for me, just sitting in front of me...

And I manage to miss the details of the message because they are...

Never that apparent to me...

Details are not my forte. 

Can you see behind the distractions to get the real message?


Looking down: 

Why is it that people can so easily walk by one another and not even acknowledge the presence of the other person? We do this so effortlessly and so often. Not even a glance at the other person's face. We will just naturally move to the side to prevent collision as we breeze by each other, but no eye contact, eyes glued to the floor. Well, at least I do that anyway. And during the rare times that I actually look up to study the other person's face, they aren't looking back at me. Even when I try to smile at them...nothing.

Is it sad that we don't acknowledge each other's presence? But then again, I ask myself, what would even happen if we did? Nothing. We would just briefly exchange glances and keep walking along our merry way anyway. So, I guess there's no point.

There's probably no point in this entire "looking down" section of my blog. I don't even know myself what the point of me ranting on about this is. I think I tend to look too much into little details that don't matter (like this topic!) and then overlook things in my life that do matter. I need to get my priorities straight...

Perfect Fit

Perfect fit

I think this says it all:



High expectations? I think not....

Unrealistic expectations? Probably....

Will I find it? I'm not going to hold my breath.......


Cooking: 



I'm confused....


Inspiring: 




One of those nights:

*sighs

Tonight's just one of "those" nights.......

*curls up with Kurtis

Music - Mood Altering

Music - Mood Altering
I thought there were tons of studies that prove that music helps elevate your mood and de-stress you...I've been listening to Pandora for 1 week straight now and all I've gotten out of it is a cloud of somber. Why is that?!? Well, to be honest, I think all the songs Pandora keeps playing are SUPER slow, sad songs. This is what I get for setting my channel on Christina Perri!

I don't know if I just take lyrics too seriously or I just pay way more attention than I should to them, but I get really emotionally immersed into meaningful lyrics and when they are accompanied by a slow melody...BAM! I'm suddenly so sad! I get so lost in my thoughts and I'm expecting some sort of magical epiphany to happen to me and all my problems to be solved. Is this just me or does this happen to other people too?? Am I just "special"??

Recent extroversion? 
I'm not sure if I just made up "extroversion" but I'm aiming for the root word "extrovert" just in case there's any confusion here. I've always seen myself as a shy introvert. But when I tell most people this, they seem to disagree with me. Everyone thinks I'm some sort of talkative extrovert. Ok...so talkative I see, but I'm definitely not an extrovert! And just to be perfectly clear, I'm only talkative with people I am comfortable/familiar with. I'm actually very shy in large, unfamiliar groups.

So this brings to my next point, I've recently developed this need to "hang out" with people. Is that weird? Yes, for me it is! I've always been that girl that ducks past the social groups and rushes home to gorge on food while watching a TV show on my computer. Whose this new girl I've suddenly become where I'm actually arranging social gatherings with my co-residents and always yearning to be "hanging out" with someone. Seems weird to me that I dread going back to my studio and spending a quiet evening by myself when I used to LOVE doing that. What's going on with me??

The Dating Game
"Does he like me?"
"Why are they not contacting me?"
"Should I contact him?"
"Is he interested?"
"Is he seeing other people?"
"Am I being too clingy?"
"Am I being too forward?"
"Should I play it cool?"
"Do I seem disinterested now?"

**This is just a SMALL glimpse into my thoughts as I engage in "The Dating Game"...yes, it's insane isn't it? I think it's crazy too but I can't turn it off! I'm almost at a point where I feel like my life would be so much happier if I just never got married and went about my merry way by myself!

I can't believe there are people out there that like to "play the field" and date a ton of people. It's just utterly exhausting to search for a mate! I don't know how anyone manages to find their significant other in this world without stressing themselves into developing a stomach ulcer!

I feel AWFUL when I turn down guys that actually express interest in me...maybe I am too nice and care too much??

I feel EVEN WORSE when I'm waiting for a romantic feelings to be reciprocated!! Arg, this whole thing is just too frustrating! My feelings are way too dependent on seemingly insignificant salutations like "hey" from some guy I'm mildly interested in.

Ok...enough ranting, back to listening to sad sad sad pandora music.

Ukulele

I have no idea why my brother purchased a Ukulele online but when I found it this weekend I really wanted to learn how to play it and this is what I learned how to play! Enjoy!

This has been a fruitful weekend now that I can play this song on the Ukulele :)

Still the "Happiest Place on Earth!"

Still the "Happiest Place on Earth"

That's right, it's DISNEYLAND (and California Adventures)! 

I went to Disneyland and California Adventures with an old friend (haven't seen her in ~5yrs!) yesterday and they don't lie when they say  it's the "Happiest Place on Earth!" 

The last time I went to Disneyland was probably about 7 years ago. I went with a group of undergrad friends that didn't make it very fun. In short, they pretty much ruined Disneyland for me. I think after that tainted memory of Disneyland I wasn't very inclined to go back. But since I was invited this weekend to go again, and it's been so long, I decided venture out of my small social circle and give it another shot. And I'm truly glad I did! 

Disneyland: 

Hasn't changed much since the last time I've been there. And honestly, I think that's why I like it. It's nice to walk down main street just the way I remembered it as a child. It's nice to be able to go to Adventure Land, Frontier Land and Tomorrow Land without referring to a map. I know where everything is and that's how I like it. My friend and I enjoyed a really nice BBQ buffet dinner at Frontier land! And then afterwards we stayed for the fireworks which was fantastic! I forgot how much I think fireworks are just so magical! It's very nostalgic to me and brings back a lot of good childhood memories. Good old classic Disneyland. 

California Adventures: 

Haven't been here since it first opened back when I was in Highschool, so let's not count all the years and just say it's been a LONG time. They've added so many things since the last time I was here and I'm really glad I got to experience it all! The new Cars Land was amazing! I loved the Cars ride! I finally got to ride "California Screamin'"! It was really fun! I think it goes from zero to what feels like 100mph in like 5 secs! Last time I went on the moving ferris wheel I nearly pee'd in my pants, but I was able to actually enjoy it this time around and not be frightened out of my mind! When I rode the whitewater rafting ride I got soooo soaking wet, not to mentioned, a couple mouthfuls of that nasty rafting water that is hopefully heavily chlorinated and sanitized. I really enjoyed the Aladdin Musical, it reminds me of how much I love Disneyland classics! When I sat on the "Soaring Over California" ride it made me really miss SF when I saw that amazing view of the Golden Gate bridge. Ok...I said it, I miss SF! I hope you read this because I'm not saying it again. Haha. And most of all...The Colors of the World night show was AMAZING! It was really inspiring and uplifting! I've got to give it to you Disney, you sure know how to put on some high class entertainment! 

"Because I Said So"

My friend recommended this movie to me yesterday so because my biological clock woke me up at 6am today (even though I went to bed at 2am!), I decided to watch that movie this morning. So it's this sappy story about a mother/daughter relationship center around the daughter's (Mandy Moore) dating life. Yes, it smells like a romantic comedy and it surely did feel like one.  Gabriel Macht stars as one of Mandy Moore's suitors. He does an excellent job in this movie, as he does on Suits playing Harvey Spector. Ok, so long story short, I enjoyed this movie even with all its romantic comedy glory. I couldn't stand romantic comedies before, and now I can...could this mean that I am on the road to recovering from my last relationship that left me with open wounds and persistent bleeding? Maybe too soon to judge but I'll just take it as a good sign for now. 

 

Guilt: 

Guilt. Very much what I'm feeling right now for not going home this weekend. My grandma called me yesterday when I was at Disneyland inquiring about if I was planning on coming home this weekend and why I decided not to come home. She didn't give me a hard time, but I could tell she was very disappointed she's not going to see me this weekend. It makes me so sad to think about how she must have been longing for me to come home and see me but I squashed those hopes of hers. It really tugs at my heart strings when I think about how much she cares about me and how I don't always reciprocate it or show her that I care too. I really wish I could be a better granddaughter, a better daughter, a better niece, a better sister, a better cousin to everyone. I always say I'm so busy and I never have time, yet I have time to go to Disneyland or California Adventures or watch movies online...

Makes me sad I don't have my priorities straight sometimes. *sighs*