New Beginnings!

Happy New Year's Eve!!

Can you believe that today is the LAST DAY OF 2013?!?!

I can't. It just flew by like that. Time is a very interesting thing. It's very relative. Sometimes it seems like it flies by and sometimes it seems like an eternity, but of course, time is constant. I guess it's all about how you percieve it. If you are distracted and busy, then of course, time flies by. But if you are bored or going through tough times, then time seems to stop.

For me, time is simutaneously too slow and too fast. Too fast when I'm working because I never seem to have enough time with each patient. Too slow when I'm off work because there's nothing interesting happening here to distract me from watching the minuets tick by. But whether I think time is too fast or too slow, it's ticking by, one minuet at a time. And after midnight tonight, it's going to be a whole NEW year.

I feel like I can never say this enough but I just got used to writing 2013 and now I'm going to have to write 2014 on my prescriptions. Knowing me and my history, I'm probably going to be writing 2013 for a few months before I catch on an write 2014. My prescriptions will be a whole year off for a few months before I can get in the mindset that the new year has rolled around.

This year will be the first year I won't be home to count down with my family. I always get a little sad during New Year's countdown. My family his gathered around me and we are watching the ball drop and that typical New Year's song is playing on TV, I think back to the whole year and think "Gosh, another year older, another year gone, and what have I accomplished with my life?" For some reason, that always makes me sad when I realize that time has passed and I haven't done anything super significant.

At the end of the year, I do like to recap the year and recall all the good/bad times I've had to help myself feel like this year has been worth living. In the past, it's been very difficult because I don't keep any form of good/consistent diary, but this year will be different. Google calendar has helped me organize my schedule like never before. I can just browse through my Google calendar and be reminded of all my activies this year. How wonderful is that? :)

Here's the highlights of 2013!

January: I jump started this year by working at various private practices, moonlighting on the side of my residency. I met my friend Will and we became very close. We ate out together all the time and even went hiking together too. He's shown me many good hiking sites around LA and we had a blast together. I had my first date with Matt and the dating saga with him begins here.

February: Relationship with Matt continues to escalate. I get even closer to Will. I even reconnect with Francisco and meet his GF. I find out that her GF is almost a mirror image of me (personality wise). I get my interview call from the VA that I'm working for now.

March: You came to visit me this month! And of course, we had great memories there! I remember trying to cordinate with Sophie on getting custody of you. That was fun... Shelly got married!! And my HK aunt arrived in the states. Relationship with Matt continues...

April: I finally got a chance to see my HK Aunt. I went to Universal with her and that's how I ended up getting my annual pass. And so the many many visits to Universal begins...

May: I turned another year older. And to celebrate being older, I paid for a nice dinner for my family (plus relatives) to enjoy, without me. I have my appointment with surgery. I graduated this month from residency. YAY! It would have been really nice...if I didn't have to keep working for another month.

June:  I attended Nano's graduation and spent the whole day with her! Broke up with Matt. Started things with my BF. Went up to Portland to see him. Started paper work for my job now. Ended things at residency and my break begins!

July: Took my "Sister/Brother" annual road trip up to SF to visit you. Then went to Portland right after that trip. Then went straight into surgery, where I had to take two weeks to recover. What a month!

August: Recovering from surgery and starting my new job here. A lot of changes. Moving my whole life to a new place out in the middle of nowhere. Kinda scary.

September: Jonas came back to the states! Yay! We went to the One Republic/Sarah Barellis concert. Had the best chicken tortilla soup ever! And that grocery store/bakery/deli place was awesome! I went to Portland again!

October: Seattle for the conference! Nice city, don't know if there's too much to do though. And that's coming from me and I live in the middle of nowhere lol

November: Found out news that Danny's mom passed away. :(

December: You turn another year older! Just a lot of Christmas festivities at work, but being really lonely here by myself. My BF finally came to visit me here! It was a boring trip haha.

So that sums up the year...wow, crazy. In a blink of an eye, it's over. Say goodbye to 2013 and Hello to 2014! I guess I should stop thinking about it as sad that something is over but I should be happy that something new is about to begin. It's all just the type of mindset you adopt.

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This past weekend my BF came to visit. He spent like 90% of the time sleeping. I can understand that he's tired. I mean, he worked Monday, got up really early to go to the airport and come back down on Tuesday. Then his parents packed him in a car and they drove for 5 hours to go wine tasting and visit relatives. He drove the whole time too! And then he drove back down 5 hours. Didn't go to sleep until 2am. Then woke up at 6am to drive 3 hours over here to see me. Of course he was exhausted when he showed up on saturday.

I had made plans to go to Mexico with my tech, so as soon as he came, we drove out to the Mexican border and walked around. She showed us this really good taco stand (the food was REALLY GOOD) and then we came back. We came back around 1ish, my BF just slept the rest of the day. I just did my own thing. Watched TV, caught up on emails/work. While I was watching TV/hanging out by myself, the REAL APLINE came! She got delivered to me! So happy to have her join the family! She's so cute!!! Then when he finally woke up, we went to dinner. And that was it!

Sunday we woke up early to go hiking. Then we ate lunch, he wanted to sleep some more. But I made him actually stay awake and go to the mall with me. We walked around, but it was very boring. Ate some more and finally decided on watching a movie. Ended up watching The Hobbit 2. I haven't even seen the Hobbit 1 yet. But doesn't matter, because Orlando Bloom was in this one, so it made it very worthwhile to watch. The only thing I was interested in was this love triangle story that Orland Bloom was involved with. Then it was dinner time, we ate dinner and that was it. We went to sleep early.

Every meal we ate was pretty much Mexican. I realize that it's the only worthwhile food eating here. Everything else is fast food or not worth mentioning.

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I miss you! Hope you are doing ok! I see on your calendar that you are starting something today and it might take 4-5 days. Good luck! *big hugs*

Frugality

I'm sure it's not a surprise to you but my BF is sleeping. I've been just kinda hanging out by myself most of this weekend that I've been suppose to be hanging out with him. I understand he's been tired from all the hectic holiday meet and greets and traveling, so I'm trying not to give him a hard time, but it's turning into a 90% sleeping weekend for him. Anyways..we'll see how today goes. I'll update blog later.

I just thought of something I really wanted to blog about, so here goes.

I'm sure you are more than familiar with my frugal Aunt. The horror stories of what she did to my HK Aunt when she visited and stayed with her. I don't think I told you what happened when my mom's close friend visited. Well, my mom's close friend is from San Leandro. And she comes all the way down to visit my mom and her sisters. She stayed with us (good call this time, not staying with frugal Aunt). So my frugal Aunt calls us up one day that she's down here and tells us to drive her over there because she wants to see her. I'm not exactly sure why she just didn't come to our house, but she always has weird requests like that.

So my brother, mom, visiting friend, and I drove over there to visit my frugal Aunt. Her house was practically empty because she's moving, so once we got there, there was no furniture, so nothing to sit on, we just stood around an empty room chatting. AGAIN, WHY DID YOU MAKE US COME HERE WHEN YOU COULD HAVE CAME TO OUR HOUSE WHERE WE HAVE FURNITURE?? But that question was quickly answered.

She had some "things" to give to the visiting friend. At first glance, it would seem she had some nice stuff to give, "hand me down" clothes and a nice comforter. Not too bad. Then she asks my brother to move a HUGE TV into the car that we came in so my brother can drive her to downtown and sell off the TV. Right...it just clicked why she wanted US to come over. So she wants us to stand around in this empty house and just entertain ourselves while she asks my brother to run an errand for her. So typical of her. She's always checking when my brother is home so she can use the RAV4 to move stuff and use my brother's help. All I can do at this moment is shake my head. So my mom wasn't any help in saying no, she just turns to my brother and asks him if he wants to do it. And of course, my brother is such a softie and he ALWAYS says yes. But of course, I spoke up and said NO, then my mom chimes in (thank god!) and always says NO. Then she requests that my brother move the big TV into her small corolla (which barely fit) and asks him to drive that car to downtown so he can move the TV into someone else's house. Ridiculous.

So we just move the TV into the car for her and then we leave, because she's crazy. And when we get home, the visit friend thumbs through all the clothes and the comforter, to find that half the clothes are SUPER old and ugly and the comforter is all frayed on the edges and has a GIANT HOLE in the middle.

IS MY FRUGAL AUNT CRAZY????

So the visiting friend leaves all that ugly stuff with us and we had to dispose of it. This always happens to us. We always end up with all the junk from my frugal Aunt. She goes around to all my other aunts and passes out expired foods or stuff that no one wants because it's JUNK and then those aunts are smart and pass the stuff along to us, and my mom, being the youngest, has no spine and takes it all in and we end up trucking it over to Salvation Army. But lately, even some of the stuff that's been passed along to us has been so poor in quality that I don't even think the Salvation Army would take them.

So another incident, my frugal Aunt gets these old caps from somewhere. These are probably OLD caps that OLD people have worn and are probably dead now. So she gives them to my eldest Aunt, who when I visited a few weekends ago tried to pawn them off to me. "Oh, you run and exercise outside, I have something for you!" I'm thinking...wow, how thoughtful, my eldest Aunt go me something. "Your second Aunt gave me these baseball caps but I don't wear them, you can probably make some use out of them" And I looked at those baseball caps and I backed away "NO Thank you. I do NOT wear baseball caps" And that was that. I'm not my spineless mother.

Then most recently, Christmas presents. She gives my brother a waffle iron. Which SOUNDS great, but when we opened it, it was CLEARLY USED. There were batter stains all over it. Then my brother says "I think I've seen this at her house, I'm pretty sure they've had it for a while and used it to even make waffles for me!" OMG, can you believe her. At least CLEAN it off first before you GIFT IT!

That's all the ranting for now. Thanks for reading.

I'm glad you like all the gifts :)

I do like the wallet, it's nice, but kinda bulky I guess, I'm sure I'll get used to it though. :)

BF visiting, Day 1

You're Welcome :) It's very nice to know someone cares enough to read my thoughts, so I really should be thanking you for reading :)

My BF woke up at 6am today to drive here. The plan was to get here by 9am. He did. But thanks to the time difference, it really ended up being 10am here. He told me he didn't sleep until 2am last night, so I'm really amazed he made it here without running off the side of the road. Since I certainly fall asleep all the time driving (maybe I shouldn't publicly admit such things) I'm very amazed he was able to safely arrive here.

I was very excited about his arrival! He came with gifts (for me!)! Well, just "gift" but still, for me! He's always so thoughtful with gifts (unlike me), he knew I've been looking for one of these and he got me one!!

 

It can fit all my credit cards, has room for change and has a nice feel to it when i'm hold it. The only thing is, it does bulge out a bit with all the stuff in it, but that's ok, I still love it! :) I'm pretty happy with it, but he doesn't seem to like how much it bulges out, so he said he might get me another one for my birthday. It's funny how he's not happy with a present he got me when I'm pretty satisfied with it. LoL.

The plan this morning was to go to Mexico. My tech was nice enough to offer to take us over there. So we headed over. Crossing the border was not difficult at all. It was very easy actually. The town is not very big. As soon as you walk across the border, you are mobbed with people advertising for dental work, optical shops, pharmacies, etc etc. We only walked around. There wasn't anything that I wanted to get from there or that I was interested in except........FOOD. So she took us to this really good taco stand and we each got 1 fish, 1 shrimp and 1 carne asada taco. I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of Mexican food but those tacos were SOOO TASTY! I loved it! I only got one of each because I wasn't sure if I was going to like it. But after I ate them, I wanted MORE!!! But since I didn't want to seem like a pig, I just settled for my three tacos. So after we ate "brunch", we crossed back to the border and we drove my tech back. 

Now it's just BF and me. Which sounds great.......but since he's so tired, he's just been sleeping in my apartment. Yes, seriously. I've been sitting around watching The Big Bang Theory, watching Hulu and...now I'm blogging. While I was sitting around watching stuff, my doorbell rang. It was the postman. I got a package. Guess what it was?? This little guy came!!!

I guess my BF bought another one because he felt bad that I didn't get the one I was suppose to get. OMG, she's sooooooooo cute! Her name's going to be Aly!! :) I'm telling you, soon, I'm going to have to devote the empty room in my apartment into the TY beanie BOO room. I have so many of them now! 

My BF brought Kurtis down too! It's a whole family reunion! I'm so excited they are all gathering and becoming familiar with each other. I think they are getting along just fine :)

I have to admit, I do sound a little mental when I refer to them like they are real living animals or something. Hey, I get bored here. And even when people come visit me, like my BF, he just ends up sleeping and I still just do the same thing I would do if no one came to visit me and I'm just spending the weekend here alone. 

I just eat, watch TV, surf the web and blog. That's the extent of my life here. *sighs

I'm really glad you got all your gifts now. How do you like them? This is my futile attempt to be thoughtful with all my gifts. Did it work? 

Christmas on the Phone

Apparently, I wasn't the only one spending Christmas alone. 

I reconnected with a couple of friends last night via good old cell phone. It was nice to catch up with everyone and see how they were doing. I updated them a little on myself and they updated a little about themselves.

I spoke with Eric (real names here!). He was telling me about his marriage plans, which were basically non-existent yet since the wedding date isn't until 2015. He has so much time to plan, I think he can afford to slack off a bit right now. But they already decided on a venue. Well, more like Stephanie decided on a venue and Eric just went along with the idea. Eric seems more set on the date, and Stephanie is more set on the venue, but the venue is not available on that date. So it's kinda up in the air right now. It's either going to be on a Sunday at Stephanie's choice venue or at a random location on Saturday, Eric's preferred day. I guess Eric is just thinking of everyone's travel plans, since Sunday would be difficult for people working, LIKE ME, to get there and get back to their homes in a timely manner and still be able to make it to work on Monday. So we'll see what happens, but I think we'll all know what happens. The "W" in wedding really stands for "woman". The woman decides everything. Everyone knows that! Eric's choice is likely to be vetoed and overruled haha. 

He also told me that he actually wanted to do a destination wedding, like in Hawaii or something. That SOUNDED AMAZING!!! Well, it would have been amazing, if Stephanie didn't already X out that idea. Most of Eric's side, family and friends, will be coming from somewhere else, so it doesn't matter really if they fly in to SJ or another location, they are still going to have to pay for airfare and hotel. But I guess most of Stephanie's side of the family is local, so they would prefer to stay local. Which makes sense, but also sucks. Because a destination wedding would have been SO MUCH FUN! Wedding and a vacation, all in one! Yes! Way to maximize the phrase: kill two birds with one stone! But it's not going to happen, because as I said, refer to the "w" for wedding and woman. 

So I guess Eric has been sick. He's not spending Christmas with any friends or family, or Stephanie! He wanted to spend it alone, recuperating from his nasty cold. He's been working himself to death lately, problems at work always gets the best of us. So apparently, I wasn't the only one spending Christmas alone. 

Almost right after I hung up with Eric, I was gchatted by Zach. Yes, my BF's friend. Now come to think of it, Eric was also his friend too, and then he became closer to me. Is Zach also migrating towards that zone? I ended up chatting with Zach for around 2 hours. What did we talk about? I don't know! We barely even have anything in common! It still baffles me how we spent so many hours chatting about nothing. But I guess that happens when you put two chatty people together. So I guess if you wanted details, he did go in depth about his dating life and I talked about mine.

When he talked about my BF and I, I was really not expecting to hear what he had to say. Of course, whether they really mean it or not, people will kindly or courteously say, "You guys are so cute together! I knew you guys would end up together! You guys are perfect together" But I didn't get any of that from Zach. One of the first things Zach said was "I was so happy when I found out you guys were moving FAR away from each other. I was thinking, 'that's great! there's no way they could rekindle their relationship, they are so far apart!' but then somehow you guys managed to get back together! Why?!?! You guys have NOTHING in common! And you guys have tried to date each other so many times, how is this time different?" He's kinda right. We don't really have that much in common and we have tried to date each other many times, what makes this time so different than all the other failed attempts? And then he continued "I think you guys probably just liked each other because you guys lived together and were around each other all the time. It's just a matter of convenience, if you pretend you didn't know him and met him right now, went on a date with him, would you like him?? NO! You wouldn't!" He's also right. Wow, so much insight from this bystander. I argued with him for while about these observations he had about me and my BF. I gave examples like "we both like to be exercise and go outdoors" and he retaliated with "but he likes to bike and you don't like to bike, you run and hike. He doesn't like either of those things" Touche. "Think about it, you like to eat and he doesn't. He's super serious about life and you aren't. He's all responsible and clean. You are irresponsible and messy, what do you possibly have in common?" He's got a point. I couldn't think of anything. Why couldn't I think of anything? We must have SOMETHING in common. There must be something that binds us together. Why couldn't I argue back?? 

Zach also criticized how my BF never takes any time off to spend with me. He painful pointed out again how I have taken time off of my new job, even though I've only been working for a few months, to go spend days-week at his place, but when I go up there, he doesn't take any time off to spend with me. I didn't realize how wrong that was until many people brought it up to my attention. And then after that was brought to my attention, I realized it hurts a little every time people bring it up. It's almost embarrassing. It's like if you were left at the alter embarrassing. Ok, maybe not to that extreme but it's like, I made the effort and Ishowed up and he didn't. He's didn't make the effort for me. He just left me hanging at his place, waiting for him to return from work. Which including travel time, he would be gone for >12hrs a day. But when I asked Zach if he's taken any time off, Zach surprisingly said that he hadn't taken any time off this year. Just when I was about to give Zach a hard time for being a hypocrite, he fights back  first, "I would take time off, but I have no one to take time off for!! What am I going to do? Take time off to travel by myself? NO! If I were your BF, the right thing to do would be to take time off to spend with you when you've traveled so far and taken time off your work to be with him! That's the least he can do! And if he's really awesome, he'd take some time off to travel somewhere else with you to spend more time with you!" Darn Zach, he's hit me where it hurts again. I kicked and I'm down. Can't fight back. 

I took what he said to heart. So that night I texted, not call, but texted my BF and told him about all these insights that Zach brought up. In the past, when I would bring up problems with our relationship, it would inevitably lead to a break up. Which was what I was anticipating would happen last night. But this time was different. My BF started listed things we had in common to show me that we weren't completely different people. "Wildwood" and "Kurtis". A child's book that we both read and a medium sized 10" stuffed animal...I don't know if that's suppose to be sweet in a childish way or pathetic, but at least he tried to show that we have things in common. Now, I don't exactly remember how the rest of the conversation went, because you know how texting can be hard. You text one thing and the other person texts about another and then you answer their text and they answer yours and before you know, you are talking about 4 things at once and it's hard to keep track of who responded to what and what text response is meant for what topic of conversation. But the bottom line is that he said "let's talk about it this weekend". Ok, so we are going to talk about it this weekend. I'll let you know how that goes. 

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There really aren't plans for my BF and I to see each other past January. So we were trying to plan for the next time. We thought President's Day would be a good time. So I bought my tickets and everything. Then he calls me a week later and tells me that his parents are going up to visit him that weekend so we'll have to cancel. I have to say I'm kinda disappointed. That weekend was going to big for us. It was going to be our 8th month anniversary and it's Valentine's Day. *sighs Oh well. I cancelled my tickets (good thing it's southwest). So my BF told me to plan for the next three day weekend. But then I realized the next three day weekend would be at the end of May. So does that mean that we won't see each other Feb, March, April and the entire month of May (because the three day weekend isn't until the last week of May). "let's talk about it this weekend". Ok. I better start a list because there seems to be a lot of things we need to discuss this weekend. 

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So I mentioned how there's a new doctor that works here at the clinic. He's a very nice guy. It always amazes me how nice and caring and generous he is. He's really truly amazing. Every time we go to dinner, he always pays for me. ALWAYS. Who does that? And when I try to pay, he gets upset and makes me hand him over the bill. I went to buy chips for the potluck we had at work and he paid for all the chips! So I got the credit and he paid for it. I wanted to tell everyone that he paid for the chips but he told me not to. I was invited over to a co-worker's house for dinner and he bought a cake and told me to pretend it was from me. I carried it inside, I didn't tell anyone it was from me, but I was forbidden to tell anyone it was form him, so I'm pretty sure I got all the credit. He got me a nice card and a gift card for Christmas. I didn't know we were exchanging gifts. Fail. The only thing I got him was a tin of hot chocolate. No card. Fail. I really want to thank him for all his meals and his nice gifts and his kind gestures but he wouldn't accept anything from me! I am really hoping that this weekend when my BF comes, the both of us will be able to convince him to let us take him out for dinner. I really hope he will let me pay. It's getting so ridiculous. I owe him so much! Too much. Which again, makes me wonder, why did all these terrible things happen to such good people?? His GF died from lymphoma, his mother died from a stroke, his father died shortly after from a heart break (or a heart attack). So many bad things happened to him in such a short amount of time. 

Then there's you. You're so nice. You don't deserve half the things that you are going through right now. It's so unfair. You volunteer for God's sake! Like I said, I never even think about volunteering! I'm a selfish, non-volunteering, non-giving back person. Not that I wish bad things on myself, but I feel like if there was a hierarchy of bad things to happen to people, I should be on the list first. Or at least those people that murder other people or do bad things to other intentionally. You and the new doctor should be the LAST people on the list or not even on the list at all! Life is so unfair sometimes. I'm so sorry. 

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I know it's pathetic but it's 8 oclock. I'm tired and you are rushing me to post. So I must sleep now. My eyes are droopy and almost closed. Good night.

Oh! I'm glad you got the present! Finally! :) 

Did you get the other package yet?? 

Christmas 2013, alone

Merry Christmas!!

I was up until 12:30am last night. I just couldn't sleep. I only worked a half day yesterday. I got off early, went home and just sat around all day long. Well, I ate and I watched TV but I felt like a true couch potato yesterday. And based on the amount I was eating yesterday, I'm going to need to call Weight Watchers soon. I've realized through the years that I do get kinda sad and lonely around the holidays. Maybe it's because I'm not around family, or maybe it's because I don't really feel the holiday spirit, but either way, the holidays always feels so empty to me. I know the holidays are suppose to make people happy but I always end up kinda depressed. Since I've moved away from school I haven't been home for Thanksgiving. That's always one of those super short holidays with over priced plane tickets, so it's not worth going home. So I've spent it away from family. But then again, if I really think about it, even if I was home, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving so we usually don't do anything and my parents are both working anyway, so I'd be alone either way. Then there's Christmas, which is pretty much the same story but a longer break so I do go home, but, like I said, we don't celebrate it, and my parents always have to work that day.

In fact, they are working today. Even if I did want to make the trip home, they wouldn't be home to even spend it with me. So why bother? Since we don't celebrate the American holidays, you would think I get a little bit of the Chinese holidays right? No. American schools don't give you a break/time off for Chinese holidays. So when my parents go all out for the Moon festival, for Chinese New Years, etc etc, I miss those too. So essentially, when I was couch potatoing yesterday, I thought about all of this and it made me very sad. Then being along, in the middle of nowhere, with no friends or family, made it worse. I only have my stuffed animals and TV......I sound pathetic.

I feel very ripped off. I don't ever really get to feel the joy of any holiday, Chinese or American. Is this the price I pay for seeking higher education and being an assimilated American? When I think about it, I don't really feel like I belong on either side. I can't really say I'm Chinese people I don't read or write the language, I don't really celebrate Chinese holidays or even know what day they are on, I don't know a lot of Chinese customs and beliefs. So how can I call myself Chinese? I can't really say I'm American either, I don't really believe in half those American holidays because I'm not religious and since my family hasn't ever really celebrated these holidays, it's weird to just start celebrating them myself.

I feel like this is turning into more of me complaining about everything rather than me sharing some thoughts and feelings. Ok, I guess what I'm trying to convey is...I used to think I'm really strong and I can do anything by  myself. I used to think I don't need anyone and I can live perfectly by myself. But after years of trying, I realized that I can't. I feel loneliness, I feel empty and I feel sad when I'm alone. I really didn't think it would be all that bad to move away to the middle of nowhere by myself and do my own thing. I thought it would be fun to get thrown into a new environment and try to conquer the world on my won, but it's not. It's not all its cracked up to be. Or more like, I didn't live up to my expectations. Being alone is not as easy to cope with as I thought it would be.

I had a friend in college that called me a masochist (minus all the sexual meaning behind the world). Based on my behavior, he theorized that I do like to make myself miserable, I enjoy being sad. I thought he was CRAZY. But now I'm starting to think so. Every time something goes right, I begin to stir things up. I think my relationship with my BF is the best example. At every pinnacle of  relationship, when I feel the happiest, I always feel the worst. Like right now. He is seemingly devoted to being in a relationship with me and I feel like all I can think about is how I'm second guessing our relationship and second guessing his faithfulness to me. It's almost like I know not everyone gets everything they want, so obviously, I shouldn't get everything I want, so something bad is obviously going to happen, so I sabotage myself and make these "bad things" happen.

I was watching Sex and the City, the movie, last night. There was a part where Charlotte was talking to Carrie and she said "I'm scared! I have everything I've always wanted right now! No one gets everything they want! Something terrible is going to happen, I just know it!" That really resonated with me. I feel like that all the time. "Clinic is going smoothly today...something's not right, something terrible is going to happen soon". "My mom and I are getting along really well today...something's not right, something's going to happen to her!" "I'm so happy I get to enjoy a nice dinner with my family...something's not right, something bad is going to happen to us!" Etc etc etc. These thoughts always race through my mind! But then Carrie told Charlotte "You can't live your life being scared all the time. It wouldn't be worth living." I guess things are bound to happen if you worry about it or not, so why waste all the good times away worry about potential bad things that could happen? It's easier said than done, I'm still terrified something terrible is going to happen to someone I know or care about.

On the topic of Sex and the City, Carrie gets married to Big but he ends up ditching her at City Hall and couldn't go through with the marriage. The whole time I'm watching this story unfold before my eyes I'm thinking, "OMG, this can totally happen to ME!!"

I don't know why I never thought about this possibility! I'm dating someone that has broken up with me repeatedly and has been super iffy about marriage and dating. Whose to say he's not going to leave me at the alter??? That is to say if he ever even purposes. Now I'm all iffy about marriage. I would so humiliated if he left me at the alter, just like Carrie! So I was already kinda sad, and then this whole thought of him leaving me at the alter made things worse.

I was looking and looking for a happy Christmas movie or show on TV last night but everything I found was so depressing. Or maybe when you are sad, everything just seems sad to you. Like watching a happy family gather around the table filled with delicious food...in my perspective, SAD. Watching a happy couple hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes before they kiss, SAD. Watching kids open presents, SAD. Watching people play in snow, SAD. Yes, everything was SAD, SAD, and even more SAD. I had to just eat my sorrows away last night. Which ended up giving me a HUGE stomach ache.

So the combination of a HUGE stomach ache, being very depressed, and not having to work the next day (meaning I could stay up as late as I wanted) all added up to a bedtime of 12:30am. I just crawled into bed at that time, doesn't mean I actually fell asleep at that time. My alarm woke me up at 6am, but I went back to sleep until 8am. SO LATE (well, for my standards anyway).

My stomach still hurts today. It is still angry at me for abusing it yesterday. Doesn't help that I stuffed myself silly this morning too. My stomach has not been my friend lately.

You are right. Nano is exactly who you think it is :)

Merry Christmas, my friend. I hope you are doing well. I miss you.

Did you get your presents from me yet??

The Eve of Christmas Eve

Saturday was my cousin's graduation. I'm actually not really even sure it's my "cousin". So it's my grandma's sister's son's son. So our dad's are cousins. So what does that make us? I don't know. He'll just be cousin for now. We were all wondering what his major was and where he went for college because none of us were really even aware that he was in college. Haha. Anyways, I found out on Saturday. But let me back up and start from the beginning. 

So of course, I had to drive home Friday. The drive went smoothly. I only minimally fell asleep during one short part of the road. I know, I know...I surprised as to why I'm still alive too. So I was under the impression that my brother, my dad, my mom, my grandma and I were ALL going to my cousin's graduation together. Let's call my cousin, Henry (which is actually his real name)...anyways, so I get home that night and they tell me that my mom actually is not going. My brother is going back to school to work on a video. So I'm going to be going with my dad and grandma only. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and my grandma, but REALLY?? JUST THEM? My dad doesn't ever talk to me and my grandma gets really annoying. She's so detached from society and the world, in general, that it's very hard to connect with her. And rarely does she say something that is actually politically, socially or in any category, correct. Let me remind you that she's the one that thought a mixed race person literally has HALF their face white and HALF of their face black. *shakes head

That night we had hot pot! I was so happy! I love hot pot!! My brother for some reason was very upset and didn't even talk to anyone throughout the entire time we were eating. I asked my parents if they got Henry flowers and they both realized they had forgotten. So after dinner, I went out, by myself, looking for flowers. Why I went by myself? Well, my brother was upset and he was sure not going to get into a car with me when he's upset. When he's upset, she just throws his hissy fit and doesn't do anything. My mom was washing the dishes and my dad...I don't know what he was doing. I spent like >30mins looking for the perfect bouquet but everything was all "Christmas/Holiday" bouquets right now, so I ended up getting him a "Feliz Navidad" bouquet. It came with an ornament. Haha. 

When I got home and showed my dad the bouquet, he was just silent. That usually means he hates it. I showed my mom and asked her why dad didn't like it. She said "Your dad hates two colors, Black is the first one and White is the second one. They both represent death. You bought a bouquet that has white flowers in it". OMG. Seriously?? After >30mins of looking, I picked the WRONG bouquet?? Well, too bad dad, you should have came with me! So he eventually warmed up to the bouquet but he still wasn't fond of it. 

The next day, Saturday, I had to wake up early, around 5:30am to get ready. Our goal was to leave around 6am but we left a little after....grandma is slow. We still ended up making good time because we got there at 8am. His graduation is at 9:30. So the gates to his "college" was closed. We drove around looking for a place to eat breakfast. Mainly for my grandma and dad because, if you remember, eating is the first thing I do when I wake up, so of course I ate already. My grandma was looking for a bao place, but of course, there weren't any. And she wasn't going to like American bakeries, so my dad suggested getting some pancakes for her since it's soft and she would be able to eat that. We found IHOP, but my dad was looking for a fast food place, something where we could get take out and eat in the car. I don't know why, he's weird sometimes. He'd honestly rather in the car than sit down and eat comfortably on tables and chairs. So we then found a subway, but then we didn't think my grandma would like it, so we settled on.......can you guess? A McDonalds. So I ordered a deluxe breakfast for my grandma and my dad. Immediately after I ordered, my grandma points at a breakfast sandwich that she spotted on a wall poster and asks me to order for her. I was trying to tell her that the deluxe breakfast has something close to that, but she was insisting I get that for her. (Like a little kid). I was about to order it but the food we did order was ready for us to pick up. So fast! I guess that's why they call it "fast food". 

My dad told me not to order the sandwich since my grandma probably wouldn't be able to chew through an English muffin. So my dad and grandma just shared a breakfast platter together and I just watched them eat. We managed to waste enough time, then started to head back at 9:00. When we got there, we didn't realize it, but it was JAMMED packed full of people! The school is sooooooo small but I bet there were close to 1000 people there. I found my cousin and congratulated him! He looks really good, he lost a lot of weight! So I've only seen Henry like a handful of times in my ENTIRE life. But I remember he's always been kinda chubby. But this time, he looked really thin. Henry brought us over to his mom and his brother, Edward. And Edward's MIXED RACE girlfriend Megan. What a surprise, her face was not half black and half white! So you know how I've only seen Henry like a handful of times? Well, I've seen Edward even LESS than that. I was so eager to chat it up with Edward because I NEVER see him. And it was nice to meet his girlfriend! 

So I'm rarely home, and we rarely talk about Henry or Edward. So when I get information about them, it's been trickled down many grapevines and maybe after the information is a few years old, I finally hear about it. I just recently heard that Edward was dating someone. Now when I talked to Ed, he told me that he's been dating Megan for 4 years now! Four YEARS! And I just recently heard about it! And then I find out they have been living together for TWO years now! Wow, how time flies and how information just bypasses me. Anyways, so it was nice catching up with Ed. Although I ended up talking to Megan more than Ed. Megan's really nice, I like her. Wouldn't mind having her join the family. 

I don't know if you call it "bravery" or "stupidity" but I asked Megan and Ed "So, you guys thinking about marriage soon?" And before I could even finish asking my question, Ed screams out "YES!". "A little over excited there Ed? o.O" I asked him. And he responded "I've learned, through time and after making many mistakes, to NOT hesitate when people ask that question now", and he proceeds to turn towards Megan and give the biggest smile. I thought that was so funny! 

So as a side bar, I shared this with my BF that night on the phone: 

Me: and then Ed says he's learned through time and after making many mistakes to not hesitate when people ask that question now! It's that funny? 

BF: huh? what?

Me: Did you hear what I said? He's doesn't hesitate when people ask him if they are getting married!

BF: Ok...so?

Me: Well, I think that's funny. 

BF: so you are saying I should hesitate?

Me: No...I'm saying you TOO will learn not to hesitate! MUahahhahaha! 

BF: *silence - I'm assuming he's making a weird face as I evil laugh

Ok, so that conversation didn't come out as funny as I thought it would. Happens a lot to me now apparently. I always say "oh yeah, so this is so funny but......" and after I'm done telling the story, no one laughs. Or maybe there is a pity laugh, but it's nothing flattering. It's just they don't even try to pretend it's funny because it's so not funny. Ok, I diverge. 

So, like I was saying, I found out during the ceremony that he actually went to a religious school  and got a "masters" in becoming a priest or a minister or something that trains you to become more religious. I don't know, I wasn't completely understanding what was happening. Mainly because there were a lot of hymms being sung, prayers being said, and "Amen's" for me to pay attention. I could feel my brain melting and my eyes glazing over. Every once in a while Henry would look over and I would catch myself rolling my eyes or making a stink face. I think it's great that these people have something they are so passionate about, but it's just not for me. Some things that they said during the ceremony makes them sound crazy! They sound like they are in a cult and they are brainwashed or something. 

"Don't forget you are always a slave. You will always be a slave to God" 

"Don't even feel prideful, always be humble, you are here to serve others, and in doing so, you are serving God. Your life's purpose is to serve God, do his bidding"

Something about brainwashing people to think they are slaves sounds very bad to me. If God is truly all that great, he wouldn't want us to be slaves right? Sure, we can praise him and think great things about him, but why would he want us to be slaves??? There's just so much negative connotation associated with that word. 

And then there were the hymms. Those hymms are so gory and violent, how can anyone pair such beautiful melodies to those graphic words? 

There was almost a full hour of students taking the stage sharing their testimonies with everyone about how God has changed their life. Sometimes when people talk about how God has given them so many things like strength and courage and integrity and greatness...blah blah blah, it makes me skeptical. How much of that is actually "God" helping them and how much of it is just a placebo affect? The human brain is a power tool. Just like placebo drugs can work to cure illnesses sometimes, why can't the same thing be happening with religion?? If you believe in it hard enough, you start to convince yourself that there is a greater being out there helping you and guiding you. Because you are so convinced of this, you start to feel it and sense it and believe it. And then you start to accomplish things you weren't capable of before, because before, you didn't have this "magical" force driving you. Before, you didn't rewire your brain to believe in yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not discounting religion, but I'm always a skeptic when I hear people's testaments about how religion saved their life. But think about it, how much of it is really placebo and how much of it is really "God"? I guess we'll never know....one of the big mysteries of life. 

So after almost DYING sitting through 3 hours of a religious fest, it was finally over!! We took some pictures with Henry and we then we were ditched. So they weren't really ditching us on purpose but that is what happened. So Ed, Megan, and their mom took a really late Friday night flight down and then had to fly back up to SF that afternoon at 4pm. So realistically, they had no time to hang out. By the time the ceremony was over, it was just about time for them to head to the airport or at least get ready to head over. So we just left them be and I suggested that we go eat together, the three of us. 

Just when I was at a loss, Nano calls me. She used to live around the area that we were in, so I asked her to suggest some places for us to dim sum at. We get to the place she suggested and it was PACKED. We had to wait a while to get seated. I swear dad is turning into my cheap aunt because as soon as he found out that the dim sum there was on the pricey side, he didn't want to eat anything at all. All the dishes he would normally get, he passed on. *rolls eyes* Just like my cheap aunt. So I just ordered whatever I wanted to eat, and my grandma did the same thing too. So we were done eating, I just paid. Well, I felt like it was the right thing to do, because how often do I get to take my grandma out? And then second of all, my dad never has any money. He always takes like an hour to look through his wallet to figure out if he has money. So, to be efficient, I just paid. I honestly could probably pay like 5 bills in the time he finds $1. Yes, that's how bad it was. As I was growing up, going out with my dad, it was always a hit or miss whether he had enough money to pay for what we were buying. I learned really quickly that if I wanted to buy something, I bring my mom along. 

So after dim sum, I took my dad to 85degress, that really famous, overrated Taiwanese bakery. Which reminds me of Din Tai Fung, which is also overrated and famous and Taiwanese. Wow, what a coincidence. And then we went home. 

I noticed something during this trip. My grandma will almost always never offer to pay for anything. I don't expect her to pay for anything, but it seems like it would be nice to at least just pretend to offer. Like my other grandma. Like at McDonalds, she just walks up to posters and points to things and says "I want that". Then at dim sum, she just gets whatever she wants, even if she's the only one that likes that dim sum item. And then when the bill comes, she just sits there and pretends she doesn't see it. And during the rare times when she does go out and she does want to buy something, she'll ask how much that item is ahead of time. After we tell her it's $9.99, she'll seriously just bring a $10 bill and expect that to cover the item. There's many times when she's done that and then it rings up with tax and it's like $10.89 and she doesn't have any more money than $10, so I just pay for it. This has happened many times. Oh well, I don't even know why I'm ranting about this because either way, I would have paid for her. I don't expect her to pay for anything, so ranting about this is all together pointless. So back to the story. 

When we got back home, I had to take a big fat nap because I was so tired. I woke up and ate dinner. Then my dad found 2013 TVB awards ceremony online and I ended up watching that the rest of the night. It was interesting to watch but nothing notable. 

Sunday is always rushed for me. I'm trying to get ready to go back to work and for some reason it's always stressful for me. I don't know what happened this Sunday, I want to blame it on PMS, but it's not. I took a nap right after breakfast and my mom woke me up a hour into the nap to talk to me about random stuff. Hmm...that must be it. I don't like getting woken up when I'm sleeping, I usually throw a fit. Anyways, I  got mad and packed up my stuff and said I was leaving. It was only maybe 12 oclock then? My grandma and my mom were shocked I was leaving so early. I usually start to get read to leave at 12 and then realistically leave around 3 or 4. So I started to drive off like a maniac because I was so upset (over NOTHING). There was this merge area onto the freeway, and thinking back, I was probably the one that was in the wrong, but at this merge point, this car almost hits me. So I honked at that car like a maniac. It wasn't a short honk, it was a LONG, I'm tailgating you HONKING. And then I switched over into the next lane and he moves over into the same lane right in front of me but REALLY SLOWLY! So then I chased him for a while honking and honking. Then I moved over one more lane and sped past him. Thinking back at my terrible road raging behavior, I'm very ashamed. I don't know what got into me. Ten mins into the drive, I stopped for gas. Just to realized that I left my credit card at home. So stupid, so I drove back home and just stayed there for an hour to calm down, and then finally left again. This time, I was more tranquil and I wasn't acting all crazy. Maybe I have anger management issues at heart. Or maybe that's just what happens when you wake me up from a nap. Either way, it was a terrible way to act and I hope it doesn't repeat itself. 

So I got back to my work apartment safe and sound. There was a package waiting for me at my doorstep. Probably been there all weekend long. It was my from my BF. When I opened it, guess what? TWO TY BEANIE BOOS!! Just like I had guessed he had gotten me!!! 

So he said he ordered me this one: 

 <---ADORABLE!!

But this is what arrived: 

 and  <--eh..ok..not super cute

They came with a note that said that adorable reindeer was out of stock so they sent me another reindeer and an extra ty beanie boo hoping that it would be ok that they sent me a different ty beanie boo. 

They aren't as cute as what my BF ordered, but I guess they are part of the TY beanie boo family now. We have Kurtis, Ulli, and now these new additions. We already named them. The dog is named Max because my BF finds that name very appropriate for a dog. And then colorful reindeer is named Aly, short for "Alpine" which is the name tag it came with. I did some research online and it appears that the ADORABLE reindeer is really named Alpine and this colorful one I got is suppose to be named "Comet". So I'm confused. I don't know what it's name is suppose to be. But it's named "Aly" now. 

How did we go from having two kids...I mean pets.......or maybe I should just call them "co-owned" stuffed animals....how did we go from having two of them to four?? This group is growing so fast. Before I know it, I'll have a whole room devoted to these adorable stuffed animals. It's weird how I've always been a practical person but yet, I'm at the mercy of these impractical, but ADORABLE, stuffed animals. I guess everyone has their krytonite. LoL. 

I found out something crazy at work today. That new doctor that moved here that lives in my building, he had a bladder bleed last night! So he had to go to the hospital. But when he was there, he found out there's only ONE hospital in this whole town and because there is NO competition, they only accept CASH and NO INSURANCE! Isn't that CRAZY?!?! So he decided to wait and be examined back in Orange County, where he's from. The more I find out about the health care here, the more worried I am about my health! I hear all these stories from my co-workers about how due to poor health care and negligence, all their loved ones end up passing away. Like my one co-worker whose mother died of lung cancer because the health care providers failed to schedule them in for a chest x-ray even though she called a billion times to try to get herself scheduled into the clinic. And then there's my other co-worker's niece who threw up for over a week and after a few emergency room visits and being dismissed as nothing, she lost too many electrolytes and fluids and DIED! This is CRAZY! OMG, if anything ever happens to me here, I'm either going to end up with a hefty medical bill that I can't pay or I'm going to die. Neither sound like good choices to me. So let's just pray I don't get some sort of EMERGENCY type sickness here, because I think I'd rather just die than owe even MORE debt. 

Whoa, my HK Aunt just called me and we just chatted for like an HOUR. OMG. She sure can talk. She's so nice. She called to say Merry Christmas and then preceded to talk for another hour. Haha. I miss her, she's nice. She's doing well. I'm glad she didn't die on us. For a while when she wasn't responded and we couldn't find her, I really thought something terrible happened to her. But I'm glad she's ok. Good to hear from her and hear her voice. She's always so interested in my life, like I'm her daughter or something. Haha. 

I'm a little sad to say, my Universal Studios annual pass is expiring :( Oh well, it was a good run. Besides, I went to that place with my ex so many times, it just reminds me of him now. It's probably better it's expiring and that I don't go and don't think about going anymore. 

Oh my gosh, I've been blogging for like 3 hours now. It's because I keep getting interrupted, I'm eating, people call, etc etc. And this is a long blog too. Ok, my tummy hurts, I should call it a night. 

(Early Merry Christmas!!)

What a nice guy!

Thanks for all your comments :) It keeps me inspired to keep blogging since I realize someone is reading this!

I'm sorry for using Danny but it just feels kinda wrong to use his real name. It seems TOO obvious.

And you are suppose to have ONE week of no birth control. It's always on a four week cycle. Three weeks of the birth control, and then one week break. That's how it works.

I'm really hoping you'll get the present soon! There's no way to track it so I don't know where it is in it's delivery process. I'm guessing they are probably super busy with Christmas and stuff, that's probably why it's delayed. When you get it, I hope you like it! It's not a really traditional present, so, I hope the email will explain it all. But only read the email when you get the present!

I have a feeling my BF got another teeny beany BOO! We already have Kurtis and Ulli. I have a feel he got another one. He keeps talking about how he got me a gift and how it's not available on amazon, so he  had to get it off a private seller. And the thing that gives it away the most is he said "it's so cute!" That's kinda a dead giveaway that it's a teeny beany BOO! I really wanted to buy another one myself but I almost had this feeling like I should discuss it with him before getting another one. I know, I made it sound like we are adopting kids or something. But we certainly treat them like our kids. I'm happy to add another teeny beany BOO to our "family" but at the same time I'm kinda angry he didn't consult with me before getting another one! I was reasonable enough to consult with him before purchasing another one! Then he mentioned that he got Ulli without asking me and Ulli turned out to be super cute! (Maybe even cuter that Kurtis...OMG, did I just admit that??) It's not getting to me until Dec 24th, so we'll see what it turns out to be.

I ended up eating dinner with the new doctor tonight. We went to this Asian restaurant that serves a hodgepodge of different Asian cuisines. I saw Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, Japanese, you name it. It's all in ONE menu. I guess you have to do that when you are here, in the middle of nowhere. You can't specialize in ONE cuisine, because you would never attract enough people to come and eat there to maintain enough business to stay open. Anyways, we ended up sharing a soup, a salad, a lo mein, and a vegetable dish. By the way, he's vegetarian, so it was all vegetarian friendly. I was going to pay for dinner but he insisted again! I really wanted to pay to thank him for paying for dinner LAST time and also buying me all those organic fruits. Oh, did I blog about that?

I told him one day that I was going to Albertson's to get some raspberries and blackberries. He was flabbergasted that I would eat those fruits as a non-organic product. He told me all about the "dirty dozen" which include a list of 12 fruits that you should NEVER eat non-organically. So that night, he went out and bought me a bunch of ORGANIC fruits. They all tasted really good!! I still have some. He got me a lot! So I wanted to thank him for being so thoughtful by paying for dinner today but he wouldn't even let me do that!

After dinner we walked to Albertson's together because I have to buy a ton of chips! I guess there's a staff appreciation luncheon tomorrow that the doctors are hosting for all the staff that work at this clinic. Now that I'm a doctor on staff, I have to contribute. I was put in charge of the chips and cookies. I was only told this morning about this. Talk about last minuet right? Anyways, got like 10 bags of chips (which came out to be like $30) and when it came time to pay, the doctor paid for me!! He said, "You are school loans you have to pay back, let me get this. And don't tell anyone about this, just tell everyone you paid." OMG, he is WAY too nice. WAY TOO NICE!! Geez, I'm not going to take credit for something I didn't do! I think I'll just have to let it slip that he paid for everything tomorrow.

During dinner we talked about how neither of us are going to have anything to do on Christmas day because it's one day off randomly in the middle of the week, so we might eat together again. Or at least do something together so we are not so lonely. It's nice to have someone living so close to me and working in the same place. It definitely helps when I'm so far away from friends and family.

So I'm still on okcupid. And last night, I was skyping my BF and I shared my screen with him to show him a few things that I thought was interesting and he saw that I had my okcupid tab opened. Then I was looking through some okcupid messages and reading them to him. He seemed pretty nonchalant about it...until he said he's going to create an okcupid account and put his REAL salary on there to attract some girls. Now...given normal bf/gf circumstances, I think the girl would say no and get mad, but I actually encouraged him. It's because I was actually curious what his salary was! LoL.

My dental friend gchatted me last night and mentioned that One Republic is touring again. She was wondering if I'm interested in going. It will either be to the LA show or the SD show. Are you interested in coming? It's next year, around June. You have plenty of time to think about it. Let me know!

I can't believe Christmas is next week! So fast! I'm not even in the Christmas mood or spirit yet. This happens to me EVERY year! It takes me all month to get into the Christmas spirit and when I actually do, it's OVER!! I have a feeling I'm forgetting to get people presents or forgetting to send certain people Christmas cards and etc etc. Christmas is so stressful. How is this whole gift giving business fun?? I guess for people that have plenty of time, money, energy and are actually extroverted, it's fun to gather and give gifts and send gifts. But for people that are busy, hate crowds/lines, have a full time job, don't have excess money, it's not fun at all. It's just stressful!

I already got two Christmas cards, one from my BF's aunt and the other from my Vandenberg Doctors. They both sent me a Christmas card last year. I feel honored to be in their Christmas card list. Well, the Vandenberg doctors, I'm assuming they send a card to all their past students? I should ask Nat if she got one. But for my BF's aunt, that's a huge stretch to send me a  Christmas card. This year, since we are dating, it makes sense. But last year, we weren't even dating, We broke up already and she still sent me a card. She's so sweet! I asked my BF if she sends him one and he said no. So I'm actually favored more than he is, and he's the one that's actually related to her. LoL.

I'm excited about the luncheon tomorrow! I'm always excited about food! Even though it's just sandwiches and my 10 bags of chips, it'll still be exciting :)

Hope you are doing ok! I really hope you get my packages soon! :)

Backwards Update

Let's write this blog backwards today. Mix it up a little.

Tuesday (today):
I got a call at 4am today. No...no one died. It was my HK Aunt! She finally responded to us. I guess she has been in China all this time. She just got back yesterday. She was in such a rush to reach us, I could tell. I answered the phone all confused and groggy but when I heard her voice, I was so overjoyed and excited! I yelled out her name in excitement! All she said was "where's your mom?" I was a little offended but at the same time, relieved because I could just hand off the phone to my mom and go back to sleep. But then I realized after I handed the phone over to my mom (who was sleeping right next to me) that she was just going to talk right next to me, so I had to listen to the whole conversation and I couldn't go back to sleep. She finally finished talking...from what felt like an hour of chatting, and I was able to catch some shut eye for a while before I was awaken by my alarm.

At breakfast this morning, my mom told me my HK Aunt had called our house woken up my dad at 3am. Once she found out that my mom was not there, it took her a while to find my cell phone number and she called us at 4am. My mom said my dad was pretty upset she called so early and woke him up. Haha.

My mom and brother left today. They went back home. Everything goes back to normal. I sit alone at my dining room table, in front of the computer. Story of my life here.

Monday (yesterday): 
Woke up like normal. Mom was already up making me breakfast. Brother was sleeping on the couch. It's so nice to have people around. You get used to living by yourself and you don't even realize how lonely you are. I feel so happy to have them around. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, we dined together. Breakfast and lunch is usually prepared by my mom. I know what you are thinking, she can't cook. Well, lucky for her, my dad made a bunch of pre-made meals and she just reheated them. Since my dad made them, it still tastes good reheated :) Dinner was prepared by my brother. He's no dad, but he's certainly better than mom and me. When I got off of work last night, I came home to an apartment filled with delicious smells. My mom and my brother had bought a bunch of seafood and meats, and my brother was cooking away! It was such a feast last night! I was so thankful and overjoyed they were here with me.

After dinner, I volunteered to do the dishes, since I didn't really help cook, it was only fair. We all winded down from the day and watched some TV together. We couldn't decide what to watch so we ended up watching two different things. My mom started watching the Hippocratic Crush 2 and my brother was watching Awkward in the other room. I just floated in between them, trying to soak up as much time with each of them as possible. Then, just like that, the night was over and I knew the next day, they would be gone and I would be alone again.

Sunday (2 days ago):
Sundays are always a drag when I'm at home. It's the day I'm suppose to drive back to AZ and get ready for work the next day. Ugh. It's not even Sunday today and I still have that dreading feeling just thinking about it. But before I drove back that day, I went to go meet up with Danny. It was Danny's idea to meet up for lunch and catch up. Since we didn't get to catch up during his mom's funeral. I met Danny at "Tender Greens". I didn't know there was one in my hometown. I've been to the one in LA (yes, it was on one of my terrible dates). I just remember I wasn't super impressed with the one in LA but I'm willing to give it a try again. So we drove to this area of my hometown that I've never been to before. It was a nice little community and it was very cute! I really liked it! It was almost like a military base or something but it was for commercial use? I have no idea what it is. But you do have to drive past this semi-gated area and there was a really pretty turnabout. Anyways, when I saw Danny, he told me he hasn't been to this area either and we were both glad we discovered this place.

He insisted on paying for lunch since he said my mom and I didn't get to eat the funeral meal. So I just ordered a soup, because I really didn't want him to pay too much for my food. Our lunch lasted 2 hours! We talked about everything! How he was doing, how his dad was doing, how his maternal grandmother was doing, what his plans were in the future, who he's dating, who his sister is dating, etc etc. Then he asked about my family and we got into all the details about that. It looks like he's doing a lot better but I could still see that there is so much pain he's trying to hide. He would tear up when we mentioned his mother or anything related to his mother. I don't blame him. I would do the same if I were in his shoes. So most of the conversation was sad, but there were turning points where I made him laugh or I would go off on tangents about my life (mainly just complaining about things) but somehow he found it very comical. Maybe it's like you said, I have a very animated way of saying things and that's funny to people.

I went into the lunch not knowing what to expect. It was rare that Danny and I would get together on our own accord. We would usually  meet up under the instructions of one of our mom's. And most of the time, it was his mom and would instigate us to meet up. Since his mom is gone, it was just surprising that he would suggest to meet up. Danny mentioned during our lunch, "I know my mom would really like us to stay friends and keep in touch." I think before his mom passed, she probably told Danny to keep in touch with me and not lose me as a friend. My mom mentioned that neither my mom nor Danny's mom has many other friends. They were probably each other's best friends and only friend. So I guess it was Danny's mom's wish not to let our friendship die with her. She's so sweet. She's always been a really sweet lady. Very thoughtful and kind. *sighs* Again, all I can say is poor Danny.

Anyways, so I went into the lunch not knowing what to expect and I left feeling very happy and glad. I'm glad that Danny's doing better and happy I was able to make him laugh and help him take his mind off of painful thoughts. Even if it was only 2 hours, it's better than nothing.

After lunch, I went home, packed up, and drove back to my apartment with my mom. She came with me because she wanted to spend some time with me. My brother joined us later that night, coming from his school (he had to drive 4 hours!). It was nice having them both at my apartment. I really miss having close family time. And seeing Danny just made me realize that I have to really cherish everything I have. I can't take anything for granted because we never know how much time we have with each person. I'm very thankful for every moment I have with my family and friends.

I went to bed with my mom by my side that night. Brother on the couch. I was smiling as I fell asleep.

Saturday (3 days ago):
I don't know why it took me so long to realize this, but Saturdays have turned into "Dad and me" time. We always end up spending Saturdays together now. Running errands, maintaining the car I drive (since so many problems have come up lately) and etc, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad. I adore and admire him to no end, but it's not the most exciting thing hanging out with me. He doesn't really talk so it's hard to start a conversation with him, let along, continue the conversation. Most of the bonds we share is making fun of my mom. But since she's not there, we don't have that common bond between us. Most of the day is spent in silence as we drive from one place to another to run our errands. I will occasionally crack a joke here and there where he will laugh, but that's basically it. I realized that when I'm with my Dad I revert back to a 6 year old. I talk all cutesy and I make jokes like I'm 6. No wonder my parents still treat me like a kid. But despite all of this, I still really enjoy my time with my Dad. I get tired of being quiet and just looking out the window as he drives, but at least we are with each other. At least we have some time together. I'll take what I can get.

I got bored at home that day and browsed through our blue rays/DVDs. I found many movies I wasn't even aware we owned. One of which was "The Wanted". Did you ever hear about this movie or watch it? It's with James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie. They are like assassins and there's a complex story line. Anyways, long story short, it was pretty good, I liked it. I also ended up watching King Kong, which was a 3 hour extravaganza. But I also liked it. It was cinematic magic. The acting was ok. But the scenes were amazing! I swear I started to watch King Kong a million times but never finished it because it was SO long. I actually finished it this time. The monkey dies!!!!!!! I must have known but forgotten that! It was soooo sad!! I almost cried!! ALMOST. I'm not as emotional when I'm not on my birth control. And I wasn't on my birth control that weekend.

Friday (4 days ago):
Pretty uneventful. Just drove home. And then, in a blink of an eye, 4 days pasted and a bunch of stuff happened. How does time fly by so quickly?

Oh yeah, question to you: 
Did you get the gift yet? And FYI, I sent you another package yesterday, be on the look out for that too! :)

An Engagement Ring?

Another chilly, cold day. But doesn't matter to me, I've been indoors working most of the day. Everyone tells me it's suppose to be the most wonderful time of the year here right now and I just think it's COLD, BORING, and the days are so SHORT that it's dark when I got to work and it's DARK when I get off....so basically just depressing. I don't know why they think it's that great this time of year here. I was promised 70deg weather! Everyone told me winters here are suppose to be like summers from my hometown but I beg to differ!! Winters here are like winters elsewhere! IT's COLD! It's like around 40degs!

I woke up this morning as a happy camper! It's been weeks since I've woken up completely pain free and 100% mobile!! I was able to get up right away! No pain at all! It was amazing!!! I must really had some inflammation or something but that ibuprofen really did the job! I didn't even have to take one this morning! Taking ONE pill yesterday was sufficient! OMG, I don't know why I didn't do this earlier? I've really got to be crazy to have endured SO much pain for SO long without medicating myself!! I remember when I was back in High School and it first started, there were a few days that I was in a so much pain, I couldn't get out of a bed and any subtle movement would leave me in tears. The pain just shoots down my entire leg and I'm in excruciating pain within milliseconds. I can't move, I don't want to move, I can't do anything but grit my teeth together and clinch my fists and try to breathe through the pain. That's actually what I had to do just several days ago. The pain is so unbearable, it made me not want to live anymore. If living meant living through that much pain, it wasn't worth it. I'm so glad you convinced me to medicate myself. I'm going to carry ibuprofen with me everywhere now. This is a godsend!!!

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my BF recently:
me: if I ever fall into an a coma, please pull the plug on me
BF: What?? Why?? What if you had a high chance of waking up.
me: Ok, fine, if I'm ever in an a coma for more than a week, just pull the plug.
BF: You can still wake up after a week! How about I check with the doctors and if they tell me your chances of waking up are slim then I'll pull the plug.
me: ehh..ok, fine. But even if it's one of those things where they don't know, I might wake up, I might not, they aren't sure what the chances are, and it's been..eh...more than a week, just pull the plug.
BF: Ummm...ok.
me: I don't want to be a vegetable, taking up valuable hospital space and resources!
BF: But what if we have kids and you might wake up.
me: Stop making it complicated, just pull the plug.
BF: Fine.
me: Good. :)  Oh and just to let you know, if I ever get cancer, I'm just going to let it go, I'm not going to go through chemo or radiation or anything.
BF: What?? What if it's just a little cancer.
me: fine, little cancer, maybe. But if it's a big type of cancer, I'm not going to do it. Oh, and if I ever lose a limb or something, just kill me.
BF: OMG, you have so little will to survive. I don't know if marrying you is a good idea.
me: Hahaha.........wait...are you serious??
BF: *no comment*

**In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have showed him how little will power I have in surviving :(

I went onto the Navy/Marine/Air force base tonight! How exciting! You need a special military ID card and a pass on your car and everything! Of course I don't have one, but my tech did! She took me onto the base and it felt all official and special! I got to go to their "store" there and shop around for stuff. I'm getting a few things for my secret santa. I'm up to 4 items already. I'm only suppose to spend like $20 but I've really spent like $40. Yeah, I'm going above my budget, but I really hope he likes all my gifts! The big unveiling is tomorrow!!! I'm really excited! My secret santa has been so thoughtful and amazing so far! I got some really nice lotion (from bath and body works) and a really cute electric candle today (because I'm clumsy and would probably set my apartment on fire if I had a real candle). Anyways, I have really enjoyed my gifts so far! I think I'm going to get something amazing tomorrow! Well, I shouldn't have high expectations...I should just keep them lowered, so anything will make me happy :)

I took my tech and her foster child out to dinner tonight to thank her for taking me out on base. Guess where we went? Yes.....to Olive Garden. Haha. I swear that's the only decent restaurant here because that's where I keep eating my dinners with people when we go out. Haha. Yes, there's so many options out here, it's overwhelming. LoL. It was really nice meeting her foster child. Makes me really want a child of my own. I know, I know...I'm baby crazy. *rolls eyes

That reminds me of a conversation I had with my boyfriend.

BF: I got you a Christmas gift, I just ordered it
me: What is it??
BF: I can't tell you! It'll ruin the surprise! Just wait for it to get there!
me: Can you give me a clue?? Give me a clue! Let me guess!
BF: OK... it's black
me: an engagement ring????
BF: a black engagement ring?? NO. It's something practical.
me: a car???
BF: ..........no. Be real.
me: a snuggie??
BF: Yea! It's a snuggie!
me: you LIE! Snuggies don't come in BLACK! I know this for a FACT!!!
BF: haha, ok, it's not a snuggie.
me: something black and practical...hangers?
BF: hangers? really?
me: no joke, someone got me hangers one year for secret santa.
BF: NO.
me: Frames?
BF: what?
me: like for glasses, black rimmed frames! I love glasses! And they are practical!
BF: no!! I wouldn't even know if the glasses fit on your face or look good on your face...no!
me: shoes??
BF: I don't even know your shoe size!!
me: It's the SAME AS YOUR SHOE SIZE!!!
BF: Oh right...well, I didn't even remember that!
me: I give up.
BF: so fast? I thought you wanted to guess.
me: I did guess. I give up, just tell me. Is it an engagement ring?
BF: It's black and practical, an engagement ring is NEITHER.
me: If it's not an engagement ring then my mom's going to be disappointed and if she's disappointed then I'm going to be disappointed, it's just a vicious cycle.
BF: Fine, it's an engagement ring?
me: REALLY? OMG! Why did you tell me? Now you ruined the surprise!! Why did you get a BLACK engagement ring? Do they even really come in that color???
BF: Haha, jk, it's not.
me: awwwwwwwww *sad face

* I couldn't tell because we were on the phone but I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me.

The conversation just fizzled out and we talked about something else but there's still a part of me that's super sad it's not an engagement ring *sad face

I talked to my tech about that tonight. How I feel like I'm super behind. A lot of friends I see on facebook have kids already!! And they are at least a few years old! Not just newborn babies!! And I'm not even married yet!! My tech looks so young and she told me she already has 7 grandchildren. Not children of her own, but GRANDCHILDREN. That's crazy!! She said that if she had a choice, she would have gone to school and gotten a higher education. She actually envies me. But when it comes down to it, I envy her. She has so many loved ones. So many kids and grandkids to love. And me...none. What does a diploma on a piece of paper give me? Living in an apartment in the middle of nowhere, getting worked to death everyday overloading my schedule with way too many patients, and dinners alone. Yes, that's what it got me. No one to greet in the morning when I wake up. No one to greet in the evenings when I go home. No one to greet at night before I go to bed. No one to share my fear with as I live in an apartment way too big for myself to ever feel comfortable in. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to live in a TWO bedroom apartment ALONE??? Someone should I have told me it's a TERRIBLE IDEA. Not only do I not have enough stuff/furniture to fill BOTH rooms, but now I have double the space to clean and be fearful that someone's hiding/lurking in some unused space in my apartment, just waiting for me to fall asleep and then slit my throat when I least suspect it!! Ok, so I'm a little paranoid and lonely here. Just a little.

I'm really glad you can leave comments now! Now I actually feel like I'm writing to someone. Like someone is actually reading this. And I'm not just blogging to someone unknown person without knowing if this gets read. That doesn't mean you have to leave a comment ALL the time. Just sporadically is sufficient :)

Boy, it's 8:00pm. It's getting late. I think I'm going to get ready for bed and call it a night, since my life so exciting here. I have to check all the crawl spaces for potential killers and ninjas before I sleep. It takes a while to check all the corners of the apartment. Haha. Good night!

Yay Painkillers!

It worked! I woke up at about 5am this morning (from hip pain). I put the ibuprofen and some water on my night stand the night before (knowing I probably wouldn't be able to move when the pain starts, I popped one pill and went back to sleep. I looked up online that it takes about 25 mins for the medication to work. Since I'm only symptomatic in the morning, it should kick in by the time I wake up and I won't be in pain. When I woke up this morning, I could move my legs! It was amazing! I could bend them and stretch them and get up!! Well, all within reason. I couldn't gain full function just yet. I still had some pain but for the most part, I was able to take it easy and complete all my morning rituals and get to work on time without feeling like I was going to collapse from the pain! Painkillers are GREAT! I don't know why I didn't give in sooner! I should take them ALL the time! Well, not ALL the time, just you know what I mean! I just feel like the quality of my life has dramatically improved.

So for full disclosure sake, I have had a history of being addicted to painkillers. Remember? When I broke my collarbone back in high school and I was prescribed Vicodin. Yeah, that. Well, I'll be sure to use ibuprofen with caution. Only when necessary. Or at least I'll try my best! Promise!

I got your magazines today!! Thank you so much!! There's so many pages to go through! I'm so excited! Now that I don't have books to read before bed, this will become my bedtime book! :)

I just zoned out at lunch today. I was sitting in front of the computer and trying to complete a patient chart but I just couldn't control my fingers. My brain was telling my fingers to move but I just know what to type. I was trying to focus on the computer and read the chart but I just wasn't understanding any of the words I was reading. It was surreal. I was running out of time. The afternoon patients were about to show up. I just couldn't get myself to finish my charts. I felt like I just needed a break but I didn't have time for one. Suffocating feeling. Knowing that you need to do work, but not being able to get anything done. I was also having trouble decided how to manage and treat a few of my patients. I was probably just stalling. It's what I do most of the time when I'm stumped. I have this way of completing my charts. I start from the easiest ones and work my way up to the tough cases. If I see a chart with a tough case, I almost always avoid it until the end, when there are no charts left, that's the only one that's left for me to complete. But lately, I've had many cases like that and everyday is a "stall that chart" day. Ugh. That's probably why my brain froze during lunch today.

Let me just say, I LOVE my secret santa! She's so thoughtful! I remember I wrote that I like crafts on my sheet and she went to Joanne's and got me a Joanne's tote bag and a gift card + coupons! She (I'm assuming it's a "she" because, again, she's very sweet and thoughtful) is really awesome! I can't wait to find out who she is!!

Let me know when you get your gift!!!! I'm so excited about it. I don't know if you'll like it or not, but I think it has many layers and meaning to it. It's very symbolic for me and I hope you'll see it the same way. I don't think it knew that it was a gift, so if you get the receipt, I'm sorry, try not to look at it. I'm really glad I found this on Groupon and it gave me such a good idea to get this!! :)

I went to bed every night dreading the morning because I knew the hip pain was going to be there waiting for me. But tonight, I can sleep assured that when I wake up, things will be better. I'm going to be functional and relatively pain free. I can return to being excited about the mornings again! :)

Long day

Its 7:00pm and I just got home. So late! :(

I woke up with more pain than usual. I couldn't get out of bed for a full 45mins. I had to try really hard to move this morning, but the pain was just too overwhelming. The only thing I could do was try to breathe and not cry. Any small movement (even upper body movement) could trigger an intense shock of pain that just brought me to tears. I was trying to stand up against the sink so I could brush my teeth and the pain hit me so bad I reflexively bent my knee and hit the sink cabinet really hard this morning. I give up. I need medication. I got some ibuprofen today. I will be taking it in the mornings from now on because today was just too much. It took so long for me to get out of bed I thought I'd for sure would have to call in sick. That's ridiculous. I didn't even eat breakfast this morning because I couldn't get out of bed in time. I only had enough time to brush my teeth and change by the time my hip was feeling ok and allowing me to be semi mobile. I had my doubts of whether or not I would even be able to limp over to work. No more of this insanity, I going the medication route! I'm starting to really consider seeing the doctor soon. I should probably figure out what is going on.

Aside from skipping breakfast, I didn't even have time to eat lunch I was so busy today. I brought an apple and a pear, but the apple was all I had time to eat. The pear, I didn't get to eat until 4:00pm. One of my co-workers, bless her heart, she's so nice, made me some chocolate covered pretzels and I ate some of those and it saved my life (or my stomach) from deflating.

I'm just eating right now, at 7pm. And I'm eating expired yogurt. I found that two of my yogurts have expired and I'm trying to finish them before they are over a month expired. Wait...they are over a month expired. haha. I'm such a hypocrite. LoL. I tell you to stop eating food out of the fridge and expired things and look at me now. But the weird thing is that I don't even have much of an appetite. Considering almost eating nothing the entire day, I'm a lot less hungry that I expected. Hmm...

THREE gift cards is what I got my secret santa person. That's the exact same thing my tech got her secret santa. HAhaha. People that work together, think alike I guess. Haha.

I got a really nice winter snowflake mug, some tea and some trail mix from my secret santa. All my favorite stuff! I like him/her already :)

Cold!

It's so cold! I think it's in the 50's!! Why is it soo cold here? *sneezes*

I just couldn't catch a break today. All my patients had crazy things going on! Even the young ones! There were a few cases that I was pretty proud of myself today. There is this patient that went to several doctors complaining about pain and discomfort. Some people diagnosed him with inflammation and most didn't know what to do with him. I was about to just give up on him too, I wasn't sure what was wrong with him. Didn't look infections, didn't look inflammatory, I had no idea! Then I somehow how all these small foreign bodies embedded in this tissue and I got them out! He felt so much better! He's been bothered by this problem for over a year now! That's CRAZY! I had to really dig to get them out and some of them I had to squeeze, like a pimple. Yeah, it was gross. But at the end, he was so happy and thankful that I was able to help him. It's times like these that remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. :)

I am so cold I can barely move my fingers to type. Brrrr. 

We have a new audiologist in our clinic. The old one transferred to another clinic. The new audiologist is really nice. She's an older lady. She's been having a lot of trouble adjusting to the clinic. Figuring out how to organize, figuring out how to work the electronic medical record system and figuring out her schedule. She's probably spending 12+ hours each day seeing patients and getting her stuff together. I get in around 7:15-7:20am everyday and she's already there. I leave around 5:30-6ish everyday and I always leave before her. I feel really bad for her. Instead of swimming, I think she's really sinking. Her office is right next to mine, one day I heard her talking to the Clinic Manager and she broke down and cried. I felt really bad for her but there is really nothing I can do to really help her. She just has to figure things out little by little. 

Sometimes my own clinic gets so hectic and backed up, I feel like crying too. There's just so much work to do and no one can help me. There's been a few times I just wanted to walk out and quit. Maybe I just give up too easily. Maybe I just stress out too easily. Maybe I'm just a quitter. I always have all this drive and determination before I start something and then halfway through, I run out of gas and I end up just putting along. 

Sometimes I wonder how I make my decisions. Why did I think living 180 miles away from home in the middle of no where, where I know no one, and heading a whole department by myself with no experience sounds like a good idea? Who in the right mind says "yes" to something like that? Not to mention the extreme weather conditions, where it gets to be 120 degrees in the summer and now 40-50's in the winter. I'm freezing right now. Can barely feel my fingers. 

I had a guy friend ask me how I can bare to live so far away from my BF. "What's your coping mechanism? Do you just cheat on him?" I laughed but then realized.......wait a min.......what's his coping mechanism? Is he just cheating on me?? I wonder now. We've been talking less. He mentioned that he doesn't want to call me every day anymore. And when we do talk it's like for 5 mins. Oh no...this all sounds so fishy. Maybe I should be worried. But then again.......why? I can't do anything about it. If he cheats, he cheats. And it's not like our track record is that great or anything. We've never even lasted this long. We've always broken up within 1-2 months of dating. Beats me how we've lasted this long. Almost 6 months now. Wow. Surprising how fast time flies. 

Did I tell you how I went to visit my new baby nephew? Might not be a nephew. Cousin's baby? I don't know genealogy that well. Anyways, he's really cute. But it was annoying going to her house. I've actually never been to her house since she's moved out with her husband. Her house is one of those "new" homes that are built in one of those "new home communities" that are on top of this hill that overlooks my hometown. It's pretty nice and big. I don't feel like it feels homey though. It feels so lonely and deserted. Maybe because only 3 people live there and one of them is a baby. And there's like a million rooms and a million bathrooms. Too much space to people ratio. Makes the place feel empty. Anyhow, seeing my baby nephew was really nice. I just didn't like how my cousin's husband was treating us. So my family (as in my mom's side of the family) has this theory that my cousin's husband hates us. He probably does. We can be very loud and obnoxious if you are not used to us. Even I chime in to the noise pollution. It's the right of passage into our family. My cousin's husband is from a very quiet and "socialite"-like family. So all this noise and jibber jabbering probably pisses him off to the millionth degree. So naturally, when we showed up, we were super loud. He brought the baby towards us but was mouthing, under his breath, "don't touch, don't touch, don't touch" the whole time. I don't mind if you say that to me or my mom, or whatever, but he was saying it to my grandma the whole time. Ugh. Way to not respect the elders. I love my little grandma. Anyone that messes with her, messes with me. I was instantly put off by his attitude. I don't think I'll ever go back to their house nor will I go see my baby nephew again. Unless they graciously and honestly want me to be there, inviting me into their home with open arms, I'm never going again. I'm actually terrible at holding grudges...we'll see how long this lasts haha.

I'm sure this happens all the time but the more I get to know the people that work at my clinic, the more I realize that they are great people. There really isn't anyone that I've gotten to know at the clinic that I think is really "blah" or "whatever" or not a great person yet. Everyone's very pleasant and has an amazing back story. Whether it be about their family, friends or themselves. And everyone's been through so many life experiences. I'm totally the newbie at the clinic. I feel like I've been really lucky and blessed so far to not have to endure half the traumatic life events that some of my co-workers have been through. There's a lot of Christmas festivities that I'm participating in this week so I really look forward to getting to know more of my co-workers and learning more about their amazing lives. 

There's a secret santa going on......I wonder got me. It's going to be interesting. The secret santa starts on Monday and lasts until Thursday. Monday-Wednesday are going to be small gifts ($5) and then Thursday is going to be a BIG gift, like ($20-25). I'm going to have to put my noggin together to think of something good for my person. My tech said she'll help me. She's such a wonderful person. :)

Speaking about her, she told me she's taking these diet pills. She's lost 15lbs in 1 month! It's really effective! She gets them over in Mexico. She doesn't know what's in them but she loves the way she feels with the excess weight shed. I looked them up and it seems like they are an amphetamine derivative. They really do work but there is a high risk addictive potential. They work on your central nervous system to suppress your appetite and increase heart rate. She offered to get me some. I'm considering it...I talked to my BF about it and he thinks I'm crazy. I think mainly because I told him the worst side effect I found was lung and heart issues and most people don't get them. Sometimes you can become irritable, develop insomnia and hallucinate. But my tech has been fine. I'm still considering it...