Funeral and a Dinner

The Funeral:
Mi-land. That's what it always sounded like when my mom said her name. My mom's best friend. I always thought it was just some Chinese name my mom was trying to say with an English twang to it. Or maybe it was a weird English name. I never thought too much about it. Yesterday was the first time in 27 years I found out what her real name was. Miriam. How my mom got Mi-land out of it beats me. Even when I told her it's pronounced "Miriam" my mom just says "I know, that's what I said, 'Mi-land'".

It's nice to know what her name is. Too bad it had to be at her funeral. It's the first funeral I've ever been to. I figured my parents couldn't shelter me from them forever. I figured I had to go sometime in my life. It's inevitable right? Someone I'm close to is bound to pass away. Never in a million years would I have guessed it would be her. She would be the first funeral I would attend. Her husband and her two kids were there. I was only close to her son, which we'll call "Danny."

My mom and I were one of the first people to get there. I told myself that I have to be brave and that I wouldn't cry but one of the first things I did when I got there was break down and cry. My mom, on the other hand, rarely cries. She's actually a very strong women. I've only seen her cry a handful of times. One of which was when my dad pushed her and she thought they were going to get a divorce. The other times were all my fault. I pretty much said or did things that just shattered her heart and she broke down and cried many times. I'm not proud of it but it's all part of my history. Anyways, back to the funeral, my mom was very strong and she re-frame from crying. I was terrible, I couldn't even last a second without breaking down. Neither could Danny. Pretty much as soon as I saw him he broke down in tears. I gave him a hug. It was all I could think of doing. Hugs and saying "sorry for your loss".

As I approached Miriam's coffin, I was very scared. Hesitant. After all, it is going to be the first time I ever see a dead person. Can't blame me for having hesitations right? I didn't know what to expect. When I got there and I saw her lying there, it wasn't so bad. She looked so peaceful. Looked like she was only sleeping. She could wake up any time and say "surprise! I'm not dead!". That's what it looked like to me. But what you see is not always the truth. I knew in my head that she's dead, she's not coming back. But what I wanted to believe is that if I approached her and nudged her hand, she would wake up and we'd all be happy and just walk out like it was a big mistake or a bad dream. But I knew that wasn't true. I couldn't just touch her and make her wake up.

The eulogy was given by Danny. He did a great job of reminiscencing his mom. To be honest, if I were him, I honestly don't think I could have done it audibly. I would probably break down so many times or just fall apart, I'd never get through the speech. As I listened to him recalls stories and talk about how great his mom was, it made me think about what it would be like if that was my mom lying there in the coffin. I think that's when I completely broke down. I couldn't bare the thought of my mom being in that coffin. And then it made me realize how much pain Danny must be feeling. How awful this very moment must be to him.

I watched him as tears rolled down his cheeks. As he powered through his speech on the brink of breaking down. I felt his anguish. I felt his sorrow. I felt it all. "Poor Danny" I remembered feeling. "Poor Danny".

When I watched Miriam get lowered into the grave, it was hard to believe she's actually inside. This is it. The last time she'll see the day of light. This is the final goodbye. We all walked by her grave to toss in a flower. As I toss mine in, I thought in my mind "Goodbye Yiyi".

Danny was the last one to toss his in. He stood there at the foot of the grave grieving and grieving. Crying and crying. "Poor Danny" I thought again. Then it hit me. Heartbreak. This is my first hand encounter with real life heartbreak. It was so hard to watch. This is stuff that actors work so hard at mimicking in the movies. But this is real. I could feel Danny's heart breaking...shattering into a million pieces as he stood there at his mom's grave. This is it. His last final goodbye. She's gone for good. He cries. That's all he could do. Clutching his rose by the stem so hard. Cry and cry. I clutched my heart, I felt pain there. As if my heart felt sour. I feel for you Danny, I'm so sorry. I feel for you. I couldn't bare to watch him any longer. Heartbreak is hard to watch. I can't imagine actually feeling as much heartbreak as Danny looked like he was enduring. I'm so sorry Danny. That's all I say, that's all I can do. I'm so sorry Danny. So sorry for your loss.

There was a lunch afterwards but I couldn't bare the thought of going. It was just too much of an emotional toll for me to go through the service and the burial. I couldn't bare to sit through a whole meal where I watched Danny sulk. My mom and I excused ourselves and we left. There aren't words to describe how much pain you feel at a funeral. There aren't words to describe how painful it is to watch someone endure as much heartbreak as Danny did. It's all just felt in your mind, your heart and your soul.

RIP Miriam, my yiyi, my mom's best friend, and Danny's amazing mother.

Dinner:
I actually didn't get home until 8:30 tonight. So late! I went out to dinner with a new doctor that just started here in clinic. He's very nice and friendly. He offered to take me out to dinner. How can I say no to food? We went to Olive Garden and I ordered a seafood soup. Great presentation, pretty good, but lacked a little bit of flavor. The bread sticks were kind of hard, the salad was ok, but it was overall a nice meal. The nice part about it was that I got to know him better. He's a really great guy. There are so many great people in this world. He told me that both his parents died recently (60days apart from one another, the second parent died of heartbreak...see this heartbreak stuff can really kill you) and his girlfriend died of lymphoma. Yes, Hogdkin's Lymphoma. The whole time he was telling me about her really reminded me of you. Well, not the whole, dying part but the part about her journey through chemo and radiation. He told me because he had so many deaths happen so close together, he just couldn't stay in the same place anymore and he moved here to start a new life. New beginnings so he won't be reminded of all that tragedies anymore. I felt so bad for him, I felt terrible just going through one funeral, I can't imagine going through THREE and so close together. I think I'd go crazy. And yet he's so composed and able to talk about it again. And also just picking his life up and moving away to start anew. That's really bold. I admire that about him. I think I should try to be nicer to him, I think he deserves it after what he's gone through. Not like I'm mean to him or anything but you get my point.

Wow, I didn't notice is already past 10pm! I must go to bed now. Good night. Please stay alive for me. :)