Christmas 2013, alone

Merry Christmas!!

I was up until 12:30am last night. I just couldn't sleep. I only worked a half day yesterday. I got off early, went home and just sat around all day long. Well, I ate and I watched TV but I felt like a true couch potato yesterday. And based on the amount I was eating yesterday, I'm going to need to call Weight Watchers soon. I've realized through the years that I do get kinda sad and lonely around the holidays. Maybe it's because I'm not around family, or maybe it's because I don't really feel the holiday spirit, but either way, the holidays always feels so empty to me. I know the holidays are suppose to make people happy but I always end up kinda depressed. Since I've moved away from school I haven't been home for Thanksgiving. That's always one of those super short holidays with over priced plane tickets, so it's not worth going home. So I've spent it away from family. But then again, if I really think about it, even if I was home, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving so we usually don't do anything and my parents are both working anyway, so I'd be alone either way. Then there's Christmas, which is pretty much the same story but a longer break so I do go home, but, like I said, we don't celebrate it, and my parents always have to work that day.

In fact, they are working today. Even if I did want to make the trip home, they wouldn't be home to even spend it with me. So why bother? Since we don't celebrate the American holidays, you would think I get a little bit of the Chinese holidays right? No. American schools don't give you a break/time off for Chinese holidays. So when my parents go all out for the Moon festival, for Chinese New Years, etc etc, I miss those too. So essentially, when I was couch potatoing yesterday, I thought about all of this and it made me very sad. Then being along, in the middle of nowhere, with no friends or family, made it worse. I only have my stuffed animals and TV......I sound pathetic.

I feel very ripped off. I don't ever really get to feel the joy of any holiday, Chinese or American. Is this the price I pay for seeking higher education and being an assimilated American? When I think about it, I don't really feel like I belong on either side. I can't really say I'm Chinese people I don't read or write the language, I don't really celebrate Chinese holidays or even know what day they are on, I don't know a lot of Chinese customs and beliefs. So how can I call myself Chinese? I can't really say I'm American either, I don't really believe in half those American holidays because I'm not religious and since my family hasn't ever really celebrated these holidays, it's weird to just start celebrating them myself.

I feel like this is turning into more of me complaining about everything rather than me sharing some thoughts and feelings. Ok, I guess what I'm trying to convey is...I used to think I'm really strong and I can do anything by  myself. I used to think I don't need anyone and I can live perfectly by myself. But after years of trying, I realized that I can't. I feel loneliness, I feel empty and I feel sad when I'm alone. I really didn't think it would be all that bad to move away to the middle of nowhere by myself and do my own thing. I thought it would be fun to get thrown into a new environment and try to conquer the world on my won, but it's not. It's not all its cracked up to be. Or more like, I didn't live up to my expectations. Being alone is not as easy to cope with as I thought it would be.

I had a friend in college that called me a masochist (minus all the sexual meaning behind the world). Based on my behavior, he theorized that I do like to make myself miserable, I enjoy being sad. I thought he was CRAZY. But now I'm starting to think so. Every time something goes right, I begin to stir things up. I think my relationship with my BF is the best example. At every pinnacle of  relationship, when I feel the happiest, I always feel the worst. Like right now. He is seemingly devoted to being in a relationship with me and I feel like all I can think about is how I'm second guessing our relationship and second guessing his faithfulness to me. It's almost like I know not everyone gets everything they want, so obviously, I shouldn't get everything I want, so something bad is obviously going to happen, so I sabotage myself and make these "bad things" happen.

I was watching Sex and the City, the movie, last night. There was a part where Charlotte was talking to Carrie and she said "I'm scared! I have everything I've always wanted right now! No one gets everything they want! Something terrible is going to happen, I just know it!" That really resonated with me. I feel like that all the time. "Clinic is going smoothly today...something's not right, something terrible is going to happen soon". "My mom and I are getting along really well today...something's not right, something's going to happen to her!" "I'm so happy I get to enjoy a nice dinner with my family...something's not right, something bad is going to happen to us!" Etc etc etc. These thoughts always race through my mind! But then Carrie told Charlotte "You can't live your life being scared all the time. It wouldn't be worth living." I guess things are bound to happen if you worry about it or not, so why waste all the good times away worry about potential bad things that could happen? It's easier said than done, I'm still terrified something terrible is going to happen to someone I know or care about.

On the topic of Sex and the City, Carrie gets married to Big but he ends up ditching her at City Hall and couldn't go through with the marriage. The whole time I'm watching this story unfold before my eyes I'm thinking, "OMG, this can totally happen to ME!!"

I don't know why I never thought about this possibility! I'm dating someone that has broken up with me repeatedly and has been super iffy about marriage and dating. Whose to say he's not going to leave me at the alter??? That is to say if he ever even purposes. Now I'm all iffy about marriage. I would so humiliated if he left me at the alter, just like Carrie! So I was already kinda sad, and then this whole thought of him leaving me at the alter made things worse.

I was looking and looking for a happy Christmas movie or show on TV last night but everything I found was so depressing. Or maybe when you are sad, everything just seems sad to you. Like watching a happy family gather around the table filled with delicious food...in my perspective, SAD. Watching a happy couple hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes before they kiss, SAD. Watching kids open presents, SAD. Watching people play in snow, SAD. Yes, everything was SAD, SAD, and even more SAD. I had to just eat my sorrows away last night. Which ended up giving me a HUGE stomach ache.

So the combination of a HUGE stomach ache, being very depressed, and not having to work the next day (meaning I could stay up as late as I wanted) all added up to a bedtime of 12:30am. I just crawled into bed at that time, doesn't mean I actually fell asleep at that time. My alarm woke me up at 6am, but I went back to sleep until 8am. SO LATE (well, for my standards anyway).

My stomach still hurts today. It is still angry at me for abusing it yesterday. Doesn't help that I stuffed myself silly this morning too. My stomach has not been my friend lately.

You are right. Nano is exactly who you think it is :)

Merry Christmas, my friend. I hope you are doing well. I miss you.

Did you get your presents from me yet??