Emotions, emotions

This weekend I just sat around, watched TV, read and ate. It was AMAZING. I was so happy with this weekend. I used to think that just lounging around my apartment is a waste of my life and my time but when you get really busy and you don't have time to lounge around anymore, LOUNGING AROUND suddenly becomes fun again! I actually really enjoyed reading this weekend. You don't hear me say that very often. But yes, READING was fun :) I'm still trying to get through the second installment of this children's novel that my BF and I like. It's finally starting to pick up. The beginning was very slow and quite boring. I can't wait to read more about what happens to all the characters! :)

**********************************

I tried to have another serious heart to heart talk with my BF about how I feel. Like I said before, these "emotional confessions" are difficult for me and it takes a lot for me to verbalize how I'm feeling. This time the topic was "how he feels about me". I don't know if I ever mentioned this but here's a little background.

My BF met his first GF at our undergrad college. He really liked her. He claims he was different back then. He was actually romantic and cared about how being sweet and caring towards the girl. He told me about how he spent endless hours folding origami flowers for her. He would surprise her with the flowers at her apartment. He thought about her all the time and really fell head over heels over her. Too bad she didn't feel the same way and ended up breaking his heart. After that incident, he claims that he has difficulty feeling/loving again. He doesn't and hasn't felt the same way about anyone and he doesn't have any motivation to be sweet or romantic anymore. Then, of course, I came along and now I'm benefiting from his robotic-like state of mind.

When I first heard about this I was so determined to be "that girl" that turns him around. Completely changes him and helps him realize that he can love again! I imagined myself being Belle and he is The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast". But that idea flopped as weeks turned into months and months turned into years and he's still the same way. -_-  I feel like a complete loser for not being able to turn him around and become all loving again. I feel like a failure.

So going back to my "emotional confession", I brought this topic up again about how his first GF captured his heart and never gave it back to him. He responded with "yea..." Ouch, dagger into my heart. "Well, I guess I wouldn't ever be able to capture your heart like she did". He responds "yea....." Double OUCH! He pushes the dagger in DEEPER. "Wait, so I still haven't won you over at all? Not even a little bit? She still has your attention? She's still got your heart?" His response "yea...." I'm pretty sure my heart just stopped beating. If that's really how he feels then I really have to re-evaluate our relationship together! "So why are we still together? You are just with me because there's no one else? Your heart has already been stolen by your previous GF so you mind as well give up and settle for me?? What are you saying??" I was starting to get very upset and rethink our whole relationship and then he responds "huh? what? Oh...I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, you have captured my heart" Really? How gullible does he think I am? "Just kidding? I think you are just trying to prevent me from throwing a fit, but I don't think you are just kidding about that" I said. He responded "I'm sorry, I really was just kidding. Ok...honestly, I wasn't really paying attention to the conversation because I was answering an email but once I was done I realized what you were talking about and that I responded incorrectly, sorry"

OMG!! He ALWAYS does this! He always pulls this on me! He's always doing something else when we are talking. Makes me wonder if he's EVER listened to anything I've said!! I know I have a bad memory but I've noticed MORE and MORE that he'll ask me details about things that I'm pretty sure I have talked about in an extensive conversation with him before. WHY DO WE EVEN TALK IF HE IS NOT GOING TO LISTEN??

So last night I semi-confronted him about this issue. "I know you prioritize your work, so I know you multi-task when you talk to me. You are always answering emails or looking at data or doing something work related when you talk to me". Then he said to me "I'm sorry, I don't prioritize work but I just have some stuff that I can't figure out so I'm just working on that right now".  *rolls eyes* It's not the first time I've heard that before...it's the 'I don't prioritize you over work' line.

I don't want to seem like an overbearing GF and I do understand his stress with work so I don't want to add to his stress but by sparing his feelings, I feel like mine is always compromised. Just because I have a less stressful job or I don't let my job stress me out as much or I don't have as many responsibilities to take care of as him, I have to be the understanding one and I have to let his needs come before mine. I know this is how things have been for a while now. I know I have to either learn to deal with it or our relationship is just not going to work out.

I get mad about all of this but when it comes down to it, I pity him too. I feel bad for him. He's always telling me about how stressful work is. How he's having nightmares. How he is losing sleep. He's forgetting to eat because he's so stressed and busy. He has long days. He has long nights. He has long weekends. He's almost always constantly working. He's lost a bunch of weight. He's gained more gray hairs. He gets sick really easily (stressed --> decreased immune system). I know, it sounds horrible. So when he tells me all of this, how can I even think about throwing a temper tantrum about how he doesn't listen to me or pay attention to me? How can be so selfish and only think about my needs? But on the other hand, I want him to know how neglected I feel. It's always a constant struggle for me.... *sighs*