Sharing Feelings...

I feel like I'm a pretty passive-aggressive person. I don't like confrontations, so if I ever do confront you, it's a HUGE deal. I mainly don't have a problem sharing my feelings but for some reason it's harder for me to speak up when it comes to certain topics with my BF.

So last night, we were skyping and I mentioned that he should look for cheap tickets to fly down to visit me again. And he said "no, it's ok". I think it was meant more like a joke, but it hurt my feelings that he didn't want to make the effort to come and visit me. So I took a deep breath and managed to bravely share my feelings with him:

"I know it makes more sense for me to go and visit you since there is more to do where you live and it's boring here because it's in the middle of nowhere, but it's very tolling for me to drive 2.5-3hours back home, then get on a plane for 4-6hours to go up there to visit you. When you say you don't want to come visit me, it's almost like you don't want to put in the effort to see me"

*takes a deep breath*

I'm so proud of myself that I voiced my opinion about that. During my whole confession, I was looking down because I felt so vulnerable and uncomfortable sharing my feelings, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. Then when I was done I looked up and I realized he wasn't even paying attention, he was looking somewhere else, which usually means he's watching TV or using the computer (i.e. working/checking emails).

Ugh.

So I think he managed to catch a few words of what I was saying because his response wasn't way out of left field.

"Do you want me to purpose where you live or here, where I live?"

Here I'm talking about making the effort to visit each other and he goes and changes the subject to "incentives for coming to visit him". But that did it, I got distracted and started to talk about purposals/getting married.

I always perk up when we talk about marriage. But again, he never fails to disappoint me.

"It's not happening any time soon, don't get your hopes up"

-_-

I was so sad/disppointed from his response, and his lack of response about making the effort to visit me, I told him I was tired and ended our skype call.

Sometimes I just feel like our wedding plans are never going to happen. He's just giving me empty promises. i'm very fearful and worried that history is going to repeat itself and we aren't going to work out and all this would have been in vain AGAIN. It's not the first time we've not worked out and I'm very afraid it's not going to be the last.

I always try to comfort myself by reminding myself that he did mention once that he wants it to be a surprise when he does purpose so he's trying to hide his tracks and not make it seem like he is for sure going to purpose, we are for sure going to get married, he is for sure always thinking about it, because he wants to keep me guessing. He doesn't want me to think it's for sure going to happen so it won't be a surprise when it does. I try to remind myself that he's probably just doing that...but it's hard.

I like him and everything, I do...but sometimes I just feel like he's kinda alouf and he doesn't care about the relationship or moving the relationship forward or where we are going. I don't know if it's just because of the distance but I've always felt like he neglects me and doesn't give enough attention to me. He always prioritizes work over me. I don't know if it's his problem or if it's my problem. Maybe we should try to meet each other halfway. I should be less needy and he should try to neglect me less. I dont' know. It's just something on my chest I thought I'd share.

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I've grown a great distain for patients that show up late for appointments with me. This is why if I make an appointment with anyone now, I will show up EARLY. Not even on time, I'm EARLY. Sometimes, all it takes is ONE person that shows up late and then you are SCRAMBLING the rest of the day to try to catch up for the time that was lost because that ONE patient decided to not show up on time. Even if patients show up ON TIME it's still feels like they showed up late to me now. So, just FYI, if you are late, you mind as well not show up because if you do show up, it really screws up someone's schedule to try to squeeze you in there. Your care gets compromised and so does everyone else after you. Just a short work rant.

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Remember when I told you that Danny's sister called me? When she called me, I actually missed her call. And she left me a message but the message kinda cut out when she said her name, so I couldn't really hear it. So when I called her back, I just mumbled her name. Kinda embarrassing that I don't even know her name. I looked her up on Danny's FB later and found out what her real name was lol.

We chatted for around an hour. She's super nice and I really like her. We mainly talked about work and our patient experiences. Apparently, Danny tells his mom AND his sister everything because his sister was able to recall a lot of things I told Danny that one day I went out to lunch with him. I think that's really nice that he shares so many things with his family. I wish I was close enough with my own brother to share so many details about my life. I'm sure my mom would listen to me talk about my life, but she always takes things the wrong way and says weird things to me and then worries incessantly about things which stresses me out so I try to filter what I tell her now. I still feel like I tell her a lot but less than what Danny shares I guess.

Danny's sister mentioned to me that she's dating his guy that is going to purpose really soon. He would have purposed already, but her mom got sick and then passed away. When she told me this I was SOOO HAPPY for her. I really was and still am! I guess since I'm so baby crazy right now and really want to get married, when I hear about other people getting married, it just gets me so excited and happy for them. If I can't tie the knot, at least other people are! That's really nice, I'm really happy for her. I wish them a happy life together!

I feel like Danny's sister and I would be good friends, if we were living in the same city. One of the funny things that Danny's sister mentioned to me was that Danny and I hang out because we are both very filial and obedient to our respective mothers. Danny's sister said it was always kind of awkward for him to call me and ask to hang out because we aren't really friends, we are just friends by association of our mothers' being best friends. It's not like we don't like each other but I guess we just never hit it off or had enough in common to be close friends. He has his own group of friends and I have mine. Our spheres of friends barely mesh together. Well, I guess it did once when we all had dinner together at that dumpling place and you were there too. Maybe if we also lived in the same city and we started to hang out more and our friends became each other's friends then we would be closer. I bet if Danny and I became closer friends it would make his mom really happy. May she rest in peace. I do try to text him ever so often. We keep in touch now.

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I'm really sorry I missed your call the other day. I got back so late and I was so tired and then I still had to go out for dinner. It was a LONG day.

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This morning one of my co-workers, that I'm hanging out with more and getting closer to, brought me a parfait from Starbucks. She's so nice. She's been brining me treats since the holidays. She at first brought me some chocolate covered pretzels (that she made herself) which were DELICIOUS!!! I still dream about them! Then she brought me these cookie/brownie things and she gave me the plate too. Then she brought me a PLATTER of cookies. And now the parfait. She's so amazing. I really do want to thank her with something but I don't know what to thank her with. Should I cook/bake her something? I'm such a terrible cook/baker I'm not sure if I give her something if that would be thanking her or punishing her. Should I go buy her something? Do you have any ideas? Let me know if you think of something! :)

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So I've been watching Sherlock at night before bed and since it's a detective show, there's always murders and mysteries and sometimes, some of the stories scare me. This is bad timing because if you can imagine, it's dark (lights turned off), I crawl into bed and try to close my eyes but I'm so scared by all the scary stories, I'm afraid someone is hiding under my bed waiting for me to fall asleep and then kill me in my sleep. Or someone's in my closet. Or hiding in my spare bedroom. Or my other bathroom. Or comes out of the walls or gets me from under my blankets. I'm basically very paranoid and scared before bed. I keep opening my eyes to any little noise. I think that's why I'm so tired every day because I have such a hard time falling asleep and then when I am asleep, I don't think I'm having a very restful sleep. I always wake up tired and I can't open my eyes. I used to wake up before my alarm and be all well rested. Oh no! Am I just getting older?? Is this what this is? Is this just an age thing??