Doctors and mistakes

Cloudy, windy and cold. Looked like it was going to rain today. I could smell the rain as the wind blew past me. But it didn't rain. Maybe tomorrow?

I just finished two episodes of Grey's Anatomy. It's really nice to come home after a LONG day's work and just lounge around watching other people stress over their jobs. It's only nice because their problems are not my problems. Mine seem so much smaller, less of a bid deal.

My crisis today was negligence. Too many people scheduled and not enough time. That's how most of my days are nowadays. Too many patients to doctor ratio. I'm the only one there. Everyone is trying to get in for an exam. I can only do so much. I was wrapping up the morning patients, thought I was done. Last patient of the morning, didn't seem like it was hard or anything. Cruising through the exam and then I saw it. Something didn't seem right. Something looked kinda weird. So I used another instrument to help me get a better view. A BIG FAT HEMORRHAGE. That wasn't the only thing. I looked further and there was all this swelling and dead blood vessels. What is going on?!?! I get so engrossed in this patient that I completely forgot one thing. He wasn't my last morning patient. It wasn't until 12:30pm when someone from the front desk came running to me asking me if I still wanted to see my 11:30 patient. He has been waiting over an hour to be seen. Because I forgot about him. Terrible. I can't believe I forgot! How am I so neglectful?? I should have double checked my schedule to make sure I finished all my patients in the morning!! I should have! But I didn't! I just assumed I was done! Luckily, he was very nice and didn't rip my head off. I know I wouldn't be in the best of mood of my doctor was an hour late to examine me. I felt pretty terrible.

Then I watched Grey's Anatomy. If you have been keeping up, you'd know what I'm talking about. This is the episode where Callie Torres gets sued for doing a hip replacement on an Olympic athlete and it goes terribly wrong and he both his legs amputated. Pretty sad, I know. But there were all these flashbacks that involved Callie and Arizona. It revealed how they wanted a baby but Arizona miscarried. And then telling the back story to how the hip replacement went terribly wrong and how the Olympic athlete ended up getting his legs amputated. I watched it all go down. How Callie made all the calls and made some mistakes but it was the best decision at the time. How the wound got infected and it got to the patient's heart, which lead to multiple emboli that eventually caused him his legs.

You know, I once wanted to be a surgeon. I thought it was really cool to be able to open people up and save their lives. I just focused on all the glory and I never thought about how terrible I would feel if surgery went downhill and someone died. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to handle that pressure. Not being able to save someone, someone dying in my hands and then I'd have to go face their family and break their hearts. Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I didn't go into that field. I'd probably just have nightmares or psychological issues or both. Either that or I'd get desensitized. I'd probably not care about people dying anymore to protect myself and my feelings. All of the above mentioned options are terrible. So again, I'm glad I didn't become a surgeon. Like Uncle Ben from Spiderman said "With great power, comes great responsibility." I'm pretty sure Voltaire said that first actually but it was popularized by Uncle Ben from Spiderman. Anyways, I'm glad I don't have such "great powers" because I wouldn't be able to handle the responsibility that came with it.

So back to Callie. I guess went she opened up the patient, the surgery went great. At the very end, the patient's oxygen count went down and his heart rate sky rocketed. So she had to close him up fast. As she was closing him, they realized that the sponge count was off, meaning there was still a sponge left inside of him, but she closed him anyway. The case argued that because the sponge was left inside him, it got his wound infected. Then it went up to his heart, his heart started throwing out emboli because it got infected and therefore, he lost his legs from the emboli. Scary stuff, I know. As I watched Callie make the call to close him up (to save his life) even though there was still a sponge inside of him, I started to roll play. If I were a big surgeon like Callie, would I have done the same thing at that time? Probably. I can totally see myself making a call like that. You hear about all these surgical equipment left inside people and you wonder how doctors can be so negligent, but as I reflect upon my career, I begin to realize, it's not negligence, we are just human. Humans error. It's not that we want to, it just happens. Even if we are very careful and even when we double check, we still make mistakes. That's just the nature of the beast.

I parallel this with my work. I write the wrong things on patient charts all the time, I write out wrong prescriptions sometimes, I forget to check allergies before releasing medications sometimes, I forget to ask patient certain questions that could help me solve the case, I tell people the same thing a couple of times not remembering that I told them already, and sometimes I forget to tell people certain things that are very important. I don't always remember it, but when I do, I fell bad. Even though most of the mistakes I make are nothing compared to what surgeons do, I still have this overwhelming sense of guilt. Why didn't I remember? Why did I do that? I didn't I do that? Why, why, why, why?....I'm really glad I watched this episode of Grey's Anatomy. It reminds me that everyone makes mistakes, even with you are the best of the best. No one is perfect and it's ok to make mistakes. I should stop wallowing in my mistakes and learn from them. Just keep trying my best. That's all I can do right?

Ok, enough talk about doctors making mistakes........

I got an email today about a potential fill in day in December. I was so excited! I have been emailing and emailing and looking and looking for moonlighting opportunities on the weekend. I really need another job. I have so many loans, I'm swimming in loans, bills and rent I have to pay. It's true what people say. Growing up is not all that fun. It's just more and more responsibilities I have to take care of. No matter how much more money I make, I always end up using it all because you just accumulate more and more bills. It's a vicious cycle. Anyway, so I was about to take the job, when I realized that's the same weekend my BF is supposed to come down and visit me here. Then without thinking I decided that maybe I can just meet him in our hometown, so I can work that weekend, be home, he can be home and we can see each other. Sounded like a solid plan right? But then I realized that my BF would only be able to hang out on Saturday and Sunday. If I work that Saturday then that means we can't hang out that day. And then Sunday I have to drive back so I wouldn't be able to hang out. So that means if I take the job then I wouldn't be able to hang out with him at all...so I guess that means I shouldn't take the job right? But I really need the money! Ugh! I'm so conflicted!

Aiya! Oh, it's late, I should go to bed! I'm getting up early tomorrow to go hiking! I probably have to get up at 5am so I can get ready in time. Wish me luck tomorrow! Miss you!