Woke up at the crack of dawn, 5am. It was still dark outside. I wouldn't have been able to tell if it was 11pm or 5am if it wasn't for my alarm clock glaring at me with "5:00". It was cold. I sleep with shorts and a t-shirt here. I'm thinking it might be time to graduate to PJ bottoms so I'm not as cold every morning when I wake up. I was so sleepy. I couldn't even open my eyes. I felt myself closing my eyes. "A few more mins" I thought, but I knew I had to get up or else these "few mins" were going to turn into a few hours and that would be bad.
I was getting up early to get ready to go hiking. I usually hate getting up that early (even though I am a morning person, but come on, who wants to get up THAT early??) and I hate the drive there (it's in PITCH BLACKNESS, you have to use high beams to see anything in front of you) and I usually hate the whole time I'm hiking (because I'm huffing and puffing and dying) but I LOVE the feeling afterwards. I guess that's why I exercise at all, for the feeling afterwards. I just love that feeling of endorphins after a good workout. I hate the before and during, but LOVE the aftermath.
So this was the FIRST time I'm driving to this trail by myself. Last time I went, I drove to my co-worker's house and then they drove me there. I looked up the directions last night and memorized it but I didn't write anything down to help guide me. The directions weren't difficult, just exit, turn left, then right and go all the way down the road. The difficult part was just driving in such dark conditions that high beams were needed. So I somehow managed to get there. Google maps said it would take half an hour, but it really only took me like 15 mins? Maybe 20? Was I speeding? I don't think so.
I was meeting my co-workers there at 6:30am. It was 6:15. There were already at least a dozen cars parked there already. It was pitch black. Dang, these people are either super into hiking or they are totally morning people or maybe a combination of BOTH. I can't believe they are here this early and hiking already, before there is even light. It's still very dark! Geez.
Even in the darkness, I managed to find my co-workers, there were only two of them. The rest of them didn't come I guess. So it was around 6:45 and we started our hike. A little ways in, one of them revealed to us that she just found out her mother has end stage lung cancer yesterday. I was shocked. First of all, I feel like everyone is getting diagnosed with cancer around me, which is terrifying because I'm always on edge now thinking "whose going to be next?", and second of all, I can't believe she still came! If I were her and I just found out my mother has end stage lung cancer (which I hope that never happens), I would probably be by my mother's side or worrying incessantly or SOMETHING else aside from hiking. But I understand everyone copes with things differently. I also feel really bad in these situations because I never know what to say. Aside from saying "sorry" there really wasn't much else for me to offer. My other co-worker started to talk about how her grandfather had end stage lung cancer too and they bonded for a little bit. I almost brought up you, in attempts to connect and jive along with the conversation but I didn't. I just held my tongue. These things always make me feel awkward and uncomfortable because I really would like them to know I feel for them, but I don't know how. And I never seem to know what to say or what's appropriate to bring up or talk about. It's hard to move onto the next topic of conversation as well, without sounding insensitive.
This is totally a tangent, but sometimes I feel that way about you too. When we talk about your feelings or your condition, I feel sooo bad for you, I really do. I feel so terrible that you have to go through all of this and I feel like it's not fair because you didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. In fact, you are probably one of the nicest and most generous person I know. You volunteer to help other people on your down time...that's something that doesn't ever cross my mind to do. You are always willing to help friends. I still remember this back in Hong Kong when we first met. (Don't ask me how I remember this) I think I only met you once at this point. I had some extra tickets for something and I was trying to pawn them off because I wasn't going to be able to use them. I called everyone I knew at the time and no one needed them or knew anyone that needed them. When I called you, you said you didn't need them but you'll try to help me find someone that will buy them off of me. When you said this, I appreciated it but I didn't really believe you because I feel like most people say that, but they don't really do it. Eventually, I found someone to take my tickets. And a few hours later, you called me back and told me you had found someone as well. I was SOOOO THANKFUL for you. I really was taken aback that you had actually remembered to ask around for me and you put in the effort to help me even though you didn't really even know me then. Right at that moment, I knew you were a good person. I just knew. So to find out all this is happening to you, doesn't make sense to me. And when you share your experiences with me and your emotions just poor out, I really want to be there to support you and wipe your tears, but I can't. And not only can I not physically be there for you, I feel like my silence on the phone is not helping me emotionally/mentally be there for you either. I hope my silence doesn't reflect poorly on me, making me seem unsympathetic or anything, I just really don't know what to say. I'm really sorry. But honestly, at this point, I feel like anything I say is not going to make a difference, unless it's "I found a cure!" But I really wish I could say and do more for you.
Another tangent along these lines, sometimes when you mention another friend being insensitive based on their actions or what they say to you, I get really paranoid that I've done that or said that as well too. I guess that also attributes to why I'm more silent and not really sure what to say nowadays. I really do apologize if I have said anything or done anything that seems insensitive to your situation or hurt you at all. I really have no intentions of doing that. It's true, I have no idea what you are going through. All the pain, all the suffering, I don't know what it feels like. I only get a little glimpse of it from what you share it with me. So it's hard for me to relate to your situation, but don't assume for one min that just because I can't relate to your situation, that I don't sympathize and feel for you. My thoughts (not prayers) are always with you and I am here for you when you need me. I don't always know what's the right thing to do in every situation, but I'm always willing to be by your side. Always. Because that's what best friends do :)
So back to my hiking story.....
So halfway through the hike, she decides to leave and go visit her mother. Which was fine, she left. So now there were two of us. We continued a little while and then my co-worker got a call from her boyfriend. I guess he's sick, like the throwing up type of sick. So my co-worker leaves me as well because she wants to go home and tend to her sick boyfriend. Which also makes sense. So now it's just me. I finish the hike, get to the top, take a couple of pictures and then start hiking my way back. So this is the thing with me and hikes. I GET LOST. Which is exactly what happened!! Good thing there were people ever so often that I saw and could ask for directions. There were so many trails going so many different directions. I'm not the best at staying on the right trail or even identifying what is a trail. There were a few times during my hike that someone called to me and said "Hey! You over there! You aren't on a hiking trail! The trail is over here!" I thank them for helping and shake my head in shame as I head back to the right direction. So this whole ordeal lasted two hours. I finally get back to my car and went home. Hallelujah! That was a relatively short time to get lost. If you recall, the last hike I did in Arizona by myself I got lost for 6 hours, no cell phone reception, caught in the mid-afternoon heat, no water, no food, no other hikers around, terrible!! So I thank my stars this only took 2 hours. *phew
After I got back, I felt really energized and motivated to do something. So I showered and got ready to go to the mall. I wanted to actually go to Walmart. I wanted to find some exercise equipment to use around my apartment so I can workout more when I'm at home. My main purpose was to find a Walmart, but I somehow never made it there. So, like I said, I memorize all these maps in my head and try to recall the directions as I'm driving. I found the mall, but I couldn't' find the Walmart. At the mall, I just ended up going to Target. Which I didn't really need anything from Target, so I just ended up buying a bunch of random stuff I didn't need. Like stickers, flavored tea and hair products. Yes, ever since my time in LA, I'm still obsessed with hair products. A little less now, but nonetheless, still interested. So after I got these cute stickers, I had the idea that I wanted to make some cards for everyone. So when I got home, I walked over to Michael's (yes, it's within a reasonable walking distance) and got some cards and more craft materials. The rest of the afternoon was spent making these greeting cards for my friends (most of them turning out really ugly). Maybe I really don't have any talent for this. It's time I just faced the facts. But I spent so much time making them, so I'm going to send them off anyway.
So I mentioned how I got these flavored teas. I got gingerbread cookie this time. It's seasonal! The thing about flavored teas is that it always smells better than it actually is! ALWAYS. It smelled soooo good when I brewed some yesterday. Like fresh baked gingerbread cookies!! But then it just tastes like regular tea. I hate it when what you smell doesn't match what you eat. Just a load of disappointment.
Another tangent about going to Target....so I guess I have to admit I'm in a small town now because apparently, you can't go anywhere without seeing someone you know. At Target, I ran into a coworker who was shopping with her adorable little daughter. Then I ran into a patient of mine. I guess there's only so many places to go on weekends here because there's only so much to do, so when everyone concentrated in one area, of course you are going to run into people you know right? Yeah....there's only one mall here, so I bet that's where everyone goes on the weekends. Haha.
Sunday:
You'd be amazed that I didn't wake up at 6am today. I got up around 7:50!! Amazing huh? I downed half a pizza (yes, I still over eat) and then went for a run. I felt really good today so I ran further than I had planned. When I came back, I mapped it out on google and it was like 4 miles. Pretty good for someone like me (whose been her on butt for months now).
OMG!! BUZZ BUZZ!! HOT NEWS OFF THE PRESS!! I just got a call, seriously, just right now from a HS friend that landed a job in Phoenix and he's driving back to SD right now. So he's going to swing by in about an hour and we are going to have lunch! OMG! I'm so excited! NOTHING EVER HAPPENS HERE so when people come to visit, it's FREAKEN AMAZING!!!
I'm so glad he called NOW because I was seriously just about to pull the second half of my frozen pizza out of the fridge and eat it. If I had eaten it then I wouldn't have been able to eat with my friend and that would have been a bummer. But now I'll wait for him to eat! OMG, where should we go? I don't know! I'm too excited!! I'm going to get ready now...see ya!
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