Repeating History

I got in a fight with my BF last night. It was all going pretty well. We talked about Hawaii, he's not that interested, he actually really wants me to go with you, so I'll continue to look up tickets and let you know. But it all went back when I brought up our past again. This has always been such a touchy topic for us. I understand why he doesn't want to bring it up. He made mistakes and he just wants to forget about it and put it all behind us. In theory, if I really truly, fully forgave him, I would not mention it either. But for some reason, that just feels like I'm sweeping it under the rug. I think I'm still haboring feelings of resentment sometimes and I still feel a little like I'm making a mistake by being with him. Sometimes I think about all the grief I've been through, all the sadness/darkness/depression I had to endure because he treated me poorly, it makes me really resent him and feel like he doesn't deserve another chance with me. But then again, we are dating again, so all that is moot point. My parents/whole family loves him, so that doesn't help, they are bias. Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong choice in accepting him back. Being with him has never 100% felt right. I think I still have all these internal struggles I'm surpressing. I really do want to talk through it with him, but every time I bring up the topic, he just gets so upset. It's almost like I did something wrong! He gets really angry about why I'm bringing it up again and how there isn't anything we can do about what's happened in the past and then he says things like "if you don't trust me, then maybe you should rethink whether you even want to be with me or not". I hate it when he does that. He doesn't even try to work things out, he just throws in the white towel and gives up. I feel like he's giving me an ultimatum "either be with me and deal with it, or let's just break up". It's really frustrating when he doesn't want to talk at all about this. He just pushes everything onto me. It's MY fault I brought this up again, it's MY fault that I'm causing us both anguish, it's MY fault that we are going through a "rough patch" again, it's MY fault that we are on the brink of breaking up and now it's MY decision to destroy our relationship or not. Ugh!!!

I texted him this morning telling him that I'm willing to cancel my trip this weekend to go visit him. Even though, we have planned this trip for a while, I took two days off of work and we've rescheduled this trip ONCE before...I'm willing to cancel again, because if we are going to be this miserable this weekend when we see each other, I'd rather not go up there. Travelling is actually really stressful for me now. I don't enjoy it anymore. I know I really enjoyed it before when we were travelling around in Asian, but things have changed now, I have changed now. Maybe it's because I "travel" so much now, going back and furth between here and my parents' home, or maybe I'm just sick of the trip up there since there's such a long lay over all the time and it extends my travel time 4-6hours to get up there. It's really tiring. I'm tired. I'm tired of all this drama. Why is life so hard? Can't it just be simple and happy. Enjoy friends/family's company with some good food. That's all I ask for. Just good company with good food = good times. I don't need all the other fancy stuff. I just want things to be simple. It's always so complicated. So frustrating.

I guess if I don't go up to visit him this weekend, I can reopen my clinics monday/tuesday. I'm sure my patients will be happy I'll have two more days to see them. Maybe this whole fancy life I've created in my mind with my BF, this whole supposed future I have with him was all just a dream. It's always just been a dream. I'm such a fool, it's never worked out in the past before, why do I think it's going to work out again? It's really true you know, those that fail history are always doomed to repeat it.